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Hi, my best friend who I have known for six/seven years apparently knew straight away when she met me that I was autistic and has repeatedly said it over the last few years so I went for an assessment and got diagnosed last month - my issue is at the moment that since all of my autistic traits are being highlighted as autistic I’m finding myself getting more and more frustrated and upset with myself that I’m unlikely to change the bits of me I’m finding are affecting my confidence and self-esteem etc. How did you all learn to accept your traits and manage them? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

I found out much later than you that I'm Autistic. I wanted this diagnosis; it was the only thing that explained everything about me.

You can't change your brain's wiring. Your only recourse is to OWN it. EMBRACE it.

Majority doesn't mean normal. NTs are responsible for the vast majority of the world's problems.

If you try to hard to fit in and get caught up with overthinking social situations, you will set yourself up for problems. Just let it go and be yourself.

I'm a bit more "quirkier" around people now, since I've been diagnosed. If they suspect I'm Autistic, then GREAT! If they don't, then so be it as well.

With autism comes some strengths. Find yours. One of mine is to approach crises situations from a logic and tactical standpoint rather than from an emotional (and therefore non-productive) standpoint.

Get acquainted with some autism jokes. One of my favorite is as follows:

Next time a neurotypical brags that their YouTube or TikTok account reached a million views, tell them it's possible that most of those views are from one autistic person!

I have to wonder how many people I've encountered in life who suspected I was autistic but didn't have the balls to mention it. Thank your friend for being straight-out with you; she did you a huge favor.

Welcome to WP!

You don't need to worry as you are you.
I have been on the list to be assessed for a few years now a during that time I have found a lot about myself. It cams as shock after shock to actually find that certain aspects about my character are traits. Is a wait and see if I am on the spectrum, but a lot makes sense as I know even if I am not, I will at very least be boarderline. But this does not define who I am.
What I mean is, autism does not define who you are in the same way that being allistic defines who a person who is not on the autism spectrum is.
Character traits are part of ones character be they NT or ASD traits and every one of us is different, be we on the spectrum or not, as every one of us is unique and it is who we are.
Do you get it?
Autism explains why we act in a different way, and explains the difficulties we have or may have fitting in. It also explains why some have physical issues as all autism happens to be is a few or more than a few missing brain links in the frontal lobe area of the brain (Not sure why that area) where while therain develops, it may concentrate brain growth into other areas instead, and both the missing brain connections that don't make it obviously can cause issues, the extra brain growth can also cause hyper sensitivities, in some. (Also is why some can be a complete genius in one area but totally lacking in another area of their lives). The newest area of research being studied (Or yet to be studied as it was only discovered around a year or two ago) is that it is possible that an potential 80% (Rough estimate if the research declares the discovery to be true) that the majority of those who have been blind or visually impared since birth could be on the spectrum, which if one thinks about the missing brain links which is what autism is caused by, it is pretty obvious that autism can cause blindness in some, and as it had been assumed that most blind peoples character traits were due to the fact that they were thought to naturally react differe tly ecause they are blind (Which is why the majority of blind people were never assessed foe autism), this new theory has been a massive wake-up call!

Other interesting research by a world leader in the research of autism (A professor who specifically studied the subject that I watched give a fascinating lengthy TED talk on the subject said that he went right around the world specifically to have large groups of random people assessed (With the help of local assessors who knew the specific character traits of people who live there as what could be seen as an autism trait could be something that everyone naturally does who lives in that area so it may not actually be a trait, so as part of this large scale assessment, he never assesses himself unless he assesses people from his own area where he lives)... Now the people being assessed were totally random people and to get a decent average, there had to be assessing a lot of people in each country he went to (At least 100, but they tried to get a good few hundred done, if not more), and the results averaged the same no matter where he was in the world. There were found a constant average of 6% of people from any race or peopls group of country they were in were foud to be on the spectrum. This is higer then even developed coutries state they have, as typically the countries with the best healthcare in the world have between two and a half perce t and four percent in the best healthcare countries and the countries that had thr poorest mental healthcare were as low as one percent of the population or lower.
The reason for this is that people are only assesed in the poorer countries if there is a serious problem with the individual (Usually at school age) so the person will noticablystand out, or if the person somehow goes through some sort of crisis later on in their lives and they will start trying to find out what it is, of maybe lucky enough to meet keen eyed doctors who just so happen to know what to look for and will put forward the patient to be assessed.
In my case it was a series of God sent co-incidences and signs after a desparate prayer as I had gone through a series of multiple burnouts or breakdowns where I found I could no longer work, and yet I felt alone, isolated and unable to talk to anyone as when one is in the situation one can't even speak to doctors as one just does not know what to say (Not knowing anything about autism or autistic burnouts or what the experience of shutdowns were called (Tried for 35 years to describe them to doctors without success (In the past)), so the only direction I knew where to turn was God.
[It would take a long time to write what happened from there.... So I better not except that in the very end of april to early may 2019, I was put on the list to be assessed and I am patiently waiting for my turn to come along though house move will need me to go on a new waiting list in the area that I am moving to if I am not assessed in my area soon].

What I am saying is that the title "Autism" does not stop you being who you are as you are you regardless of knowing or not knowing your traits and nothing can change that!

I am a late diagnosed Aspie too. I was 50. I always knew I was different, I just didn’t know why.

My advice is to accept who you are and try to learn to work around your limitations. Everyone, NTs and autistic people have limitations really.

For example: I work in a deli so I deal with the public a lot. And yes, I hate that part, but I like cutting lunch meat and making subs (weird maybe, but hey, I’m just me). I’ve learned that there are certain things you’ve got to say like “may I help you” and “have a nice day” or “looks like it’s going to rain” with a smile. This sounds simple, but it never came naturally to me, I had to adapt to small talk. I look at it like playing a role in a play. There is certain dialogue I am expected to use. After a while I expanded it with “oh I like your shirt” or “oh, do you go to school” or “oh, you are from New Jersey too.” This gets the person talking about themselves, and I just add a nod or a “really, cool” here and there. Do I care about the weather or people’s clothing choices? Nope, but it seems to make people smile. I found people like talking about themselves a lot. The hard part is acting interested. I adapted.

I just accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with me, I just think differently then a lot of other people.

Welcome to Wrong Planet Opal2016 and Mrs. Kay.

The advice given above is good. I would add you have spent 32 years suppressing who you are so you should expect finding out who you are to take time. Don't wallow and beat yourself up over setbacks that will occur. What is going on is that your autistic brain is processing this new information. This might involve frighteningly intense emotions you will want to suppress. Don't do that, you have to let your autistic brain do what it needs to do.

We will be here to answer questions, commiserate, and vent.

hello, and welcome to your journey! the only thing to say is that it will take time for adjustment. the beautiful thing is that we have all proven that we can be masters of adjustment our whole lives. it just takes time to find the things that we've buried, appreciate the things that shouldn't be, and figure out how that will be expressed going forward. it's a little like waiting for the past to sync with the present for the future - a human reset. it is safe to say that the journey will not be easy, as nothing has been, but at least there is a baseline WHY. as we are people who can uber-focus on anything, it now becomes time to uber-focus on the manifestations of your SELF. the person who did my assessment told me to practice full body scans in moments (i have no idea how to do this practically) but i think this means to pay attention to what's happening and then replay it later for how i could function better for ME (not for others!!) - like, oh, my body feels like there are tiny fires under the first three layers of my skin and this makes me want to run out of the room... ok, how did it get to that point and what were the pre-indicators and how can i notice those first? what happened before that to get me to that stage? and all of that is OK - nothing to be ashamed about (and this is huge to claim for yourself going forward), it just is and it is just me. my assessor also told me to see if finding external pressure thingies would work - now, some people cannot possibly wear entire weighted blankets all day (and personally i think i might find that suffocating), but, could i wear a band around my waist that no one can see and that will suffice? indeed, that is working for me at the moment. in summary: acceptance is key, and acceptance takes on new layers as time passes. again, welcome to your journey!

how to adjust to autism diagnosis as an adult? At age 68 when I got my diagnosis, I could suddenly see and understand so much of my own history in a new perspective. I was miserable, self blaming, shamed and punished all my life (bullied and castigated too at school, work, etc). It was such a relief to finally understand how autism had been working all the time behind the scenes without anybody knowing or suspecting. Everything was not, after all, all my fault. I know at this late age that my basic struggles will not change, but I have changed the way I do things to accommodate the things that are the hardest and most distressing for me. I no longer force myself to do things that cause stress and distress . I send cards and gifts instead of going to celebrations where there are large gatherings of people, or make a phone call or a quiet private visit or invite the celebrant/s over for a home cooked meal or meet someplace quiet for a picnic or a meal, etc. I no longer force myself to wear "fashionable" clothing which gives me discomfort or makes me feel ill at ease. I have found ways to do things that are difficult by using "work arounds". I took each distressing thing in my life, one at a time, starting with the hardest things first, and tried to figure out new ways to accomplish the same thing without the stress, distress, etc. Using your diagnosis summary to help figure out the hardest "things" in your life can help. You will understand your limitations and strengths better as you go along. Its a lot to sort and sort of like "culture shock". Your basic skills and talents, etc will stay the same but there are many altermatives to choose to make life better. Give yourself your best self care as you begin to explore and discover new ways and insights, new self understanding for now, and of your past. Diagnosis can be life changing, healing, helpful. Cheering you on. Best of all is finding others who have whole lifetimes of lived autism experience. Others can offer support, insights, and ideas to help in many cases. It has been so wonderful to learn I am not alone, but that others out there do understand! Welcome, glad you are with us!

Mrs. K,

Seems that "how are you" and "have a nice day" are social constructs. Even NTs complain about this. In fact, there's a joke: When the cashier says "Have a nice day," reply back, "Actually, I had other plans."

I'm sure many NTs don't care for the "how are you" formality either, but it's automatic pilot, and I use "Have a good day" simply to close out a transaction (e.g., over the phone with an appointment setter for my dentist, or scheduler for someone to come by and repair my dishwasher, etc.).

It rolls off the tongue, and I don't care in the least if they have a good day or not or how they're doing.

I'm sure there are many cultures where nobody engages in these trite formalities. NTs from those countries then come here and think it's weird and have trouble adjusting to it as they learn our language. I highly doubt that in China, for instance, all the NTs there are going around wishing people to have a nice day, or people in Iraq always go, "how are you?"

What bugs me is how so many women (and sorry to say, some autistic women as well) are wearing their hair all the same, often with extensions, draped in front, flat on top but then starts waving out at around neck level. When will this stop already?

You don't need to be upset that you are unlikely to change your traits. In my case the diagnosis (at age 34) actually slowly reduced my frustration about myself. I don't need to pretend I'm normal anymore, don't need to put on a social mask (which became increasingly difficult with age), etc.

Nature produces a lot of variation. That nature produces variation is beautiful. Otherwise humans wouldn't exist. Basically the reason humans exist is more or less the same reason why you you are different. You're variation.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Learn about Autism. The internet (and WP!) can help with that. Don't think of your differences as flaws, think of them as differences. The more you know about them the more you should be able to adjust to them.

And be good and do well. Success will make you look better to just about everyone...including yourself.