What Am I Even Supposed To Do To?

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Is there some way to quash that desire? Some way to either be happy about something you already have or be happy about something you can realistically obtain (like buying something expensive that you really want).

Instead of dating you could go the Philippines to see the magnificent underwater caves they have there!

The OP should know that not all joy and beauty comes from joining tonsils with the opposite sex.

Maybe, but I think it's probably just the way my aspergers has manifested itself in conjunction with the situation I find myself in. My brain has a tendency to ruminate, especially about things that are important or pertinent to me in the moment. This is just as true with positive things as it is with negative things.

I also have a tendency to think ahead and follow those thoughts through to their logical conclusion. For example, I've never had a girlfriend, and if this set precedent remains the same, I will never have a girlfriend. If that ends up being the case, then I see no prospect of anything other than a miserable existence, because my desire to experience romance, and my despair about the apparent hopelessness of my love life is so overpowering that it doesn't matter how well I do in any and all other areas of life, it will always be overshadowed by the gaping romantic void in my life.

There is no path to a satisfactory life as a perpetual single who has never had the romantic experiences and acceptance that I want, that pretty much everyone else gets to have, and that I am forced to see and hear about other people having, so if that is the unavoidable reality for me, then I'm not motivated to live it out.

Anyone who has been following my posts for a long time will see that my mental health has progressively deteriorated. I know myself and what makes me tick well enough to know that it is only going to continue getting worse the older I get while being in this situation, as it has done so far. That being the case, I see suicide as being the most humane option if I can never appease the need I have for acceptance and intimacy from a romantic partner, and join the ranks of the majority who know what it's like to experience being in love. The alternative to suicide in this case is a life of immense, soul-crushing suffering, and I consider that to be the worse outcome of the two.

A perpetual absence of romance and romantic acceptance ensures that my quality of life is low enough to where I don't want to live. No, this desire will never cease to haunt me until it is satisfied. Having romance could compensate for other negative elements of life, but other positive elements of life will never be sufficient to placate me into being okay with never getting to have a girlfriend.

There are experiences worth having other than romance in this world, but none of them are an adequate substitute, and none of them can ease the pain of never getting to date.

How did the job interview go?

I wouldn’t be surprised if the casino was looking for a “man of personality.”

As I see it, you are caught in a vicious circle. Being so "in love with love" makes it harder to do the things that would actually increase your likelihood of finding a romantic relationship.

In order to have any reasonable chance of finding a romantic relationship, you need to find some effective way (and preferably not drinking or recreational drugs) to ease the pain of not having one.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 18 Jan 2023, 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This.

You can act like the grown-ass man you are, take a look at yourself in the mirror, ask yourself why aren't women attracted to me, and then improve yourself.

You are only 26 for goodness sake. You have plenty of time to improve yourself.

If nothing else, get therapy. You can be very depressed without being a sad sack (I speak from bitter experience).

I wrote earlier:

Or, if that really is just not possible at all, maybe the thing to do is to let your freak flag fly?

For example, it has occurred to me to wonder what kind of results, if any, you might get by using a line like the following in your profile on one of the more relationship-oriented dating apps: "Tired of being told you're too emotionally needy? Let's be needy together!" -- both preceded and followed by long strings of heart emoticons.

I would literally just book a escort (in a legal area) just to see how you react with women in a more than friends way. No good aiming for a full relationship if you don't even know how you'll react around women first. You might end up clamming up with one but it'll give you some feedback. At 26 you'll need to know this first. As you know, you're lacking in some area and you need to start zeroing in on it.

I found getting to know the swinger community in my area helpful too. They were, for the most part, very approachable (I guess they have to be because they're swingers) and ending up in their little trusted group helped me as I was tepid and shy to the point where it was causing me harm before I started interacting with them.

I would just get female interaction, both sexual and friends if possible started in any way possible. There is nothing you can do about poor social skills but at least try taking the edge off female interaction.

I got the job!!

Despite having fairly conservative grooming standards, they're fine with me keeping my beard long, provided I keep it neat, trimmed and well-groomed (which I would anyway).

This is all very promising.

The big challenge is that the plurality of factors surrounding my love life has made me feel inadequate as a heterosexual man, and that causes a self-fulfilling cycle where I feel like no one will want me anyway so I don't go too far out of my way to try and meet someone. Not having a social circle is probably a big part of the problem too.

To be clear, I don't feel inadequate because I don't think I have anything of value to bring to a relationship. It's more because I've had a pitiful rate of success in the past, I feel I don't tick some of the more materialistic boxes that are a requirement for some women, and I often struggle with taking the lead in social interactions with unfamiliar people and deepening shallow relationships, which is of course a major drawback for a heterosexual man in the dating arena.

While I ultimately want a girlfriend, filling the romantic void in my life only necessitates finding someone to talk to who is attracted to me as a heterosexual man. I've been able to do that a handful of times before on the internet, so it's not impossible.

Landing this card dealer job is a very positive development. It means when new acquaintances ask me what I do for work, I can take pride in my answer as opposed to wishing they hadn't asked. Being able to tell people that I'm a casino dealer and trivia host will project a more dignified image that aligns more closely with who I am and how I like to spend my time, where having to talk about the warehouse job I've stayed in because I didn't know where else to go makes me feel like a bit of a loser, and projects an image that doesn’t align very well with who I am and what I enjoy.

Moreover, the casino job will give me the opportunity to meet people in a way that my current job certainly doesn't. My current job consists of less than 10 other male staff.

That's an interesting idea. I don't think I'd be super needy in the context of a relationship though. Once I feel accepted by a woman in a romantic way, I'm pretty chill from there unless something questionable happens. Plus, putting that in my profile may attract people who are so clingy that they won't give me any space. After what I've been through, being showered with attention from a woman would be nice, but I don't want it to get to the point of being harassed by someone who can't accept that I have other things in life to tend to at times.

I haven't tried online dating in about 4 years, and in that time, I've evolved as a person, and I'd approach it differently than I did when I was younger. It's possible that I'd have greater success on dating sites if I tried now. The difficult part is compiling a gallery of good photos to use.

Your new job might improve your luck on dating apps too, at least a little bit. In any case, it's great to hear that you got that job!


Yes, a casino job will give you lots and lots of opportunities to meet people. But be careful. Does the casino have a code of conduct regarding social interactions between employees and customers? If so, read it carefully.... Make sure you don't end up getting in trouble for failing to maintain professional boundaries.

I'm going to be charitable and say I'm sure you have every intention of being helpful, but when you come at this situation from a "this person is defective, their lack of success is entirely their fault!" perspective, prescribe generic advice that often times doesn't apply to my personal situation (I don't play much video games or watch porn, and I get regular haircuts), and insinuate that a disability that affects one's social skills has little to no bearing on the situation, it seems like the extent of your interest in this conversation is to talk down to me from your high horse.

Honestly, I find the whole "be a man!" stuff super reductive and cringey. I understand that the era you grew up in likely influences your perspective, but the bold prescriptions you make partnered with your lack of curiosity about my personal situation makes me think you're super out of touch with what it's like to try and date as a young autistic man in 2023.

Asking myself why women aren't attracted to me? It's entirely possible that some are occasionally and I have difficulty picking up on it, both because of my neurodivergence and lack of confidence, but at the moment, I'm not really meeting anyone, so opportunities for someone to even be attracted to me are sparse.

The sad thing is, if I didn't know better, your comments would aid the perspective that I have earned this poor outcome through my sheer ineptitude. It's more complicated than that. There are different decisions I could be making to improve my chances of finding someone, but the difficulties I have are an amalgamation of all elements that factor into the situation, some of which I have control over, but many of which I don't.

If instead of being raised by a single parent, I was raised by two parents, might I have learned through observation how romantically successful men interact with women? Might I be more successful at dating as a result?

If I had been born during the era where women were economically reliant on men, might I have had an easier time finding a girlfriend? Probably. (Not to say that women should be economically dependent on men, just that under those circumstances, men have all the power).

If I didn't deal with social skill difficulties as a result of being on the spectrum, might I have had more dating success? I don't doubt it one bit.

If I'd had a bit of dating success as a teenager or younger man, would I lack so much confidence now? Probably not.

The point is, there are infinite variables that factor into one's dating success, and a lack of success doesn't necessarily correlate with a lack of effort or a lack of worthiness.

There have been a couple of women whom I've met online where I have no doubt they would have given me a chance had we lived in the same city.

One time years ago, I gave a woman a compliment at a nightclub, and she seemed flattered. In hindsight, she seemed prepared to continue talking to me but I'd just walked away as I wasn't prepared for the possibility that she'd want to continue talking. Could something have happened there if I was more socially fluid?

I think I've made my point. You're free to disagree, but I'm not going to let you blame the entirety of my lack of dating success on me without providing a compelling case as to why external influences, past and present, have no bearing.

Thanks!


I didn't see anything about that in the code of conduct. I'll probably reread it just to make sure.

In any case, I don't expect that getting flirty with a customer at the blackjack table would be a good idea. If that customer does a lot of winning, eyebrows will probably be raised in my direction. That said, it's not impossible for something to evolve with a staff member or regular customer. I'm not expecting anything, but at least there's a greater opportunity for it to happen than there is currently.

It would surprise me if there's really nothing about this in a casino's code of conduct for employees.


Indeed. It's good you figured this out on your own, even if the code of conduct has failed mention this issue for whatever weird reason.


Just be very cautious about this, for the reason you mentioned above.