What Am I Even Supposed To Do To?

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I'm struggling so much. I've called multiple different hotlines over the past few months and I never feel better after the conversations. I generally end up feeling worse because they can't help me.

I feel so powerless, helpless and unwanted. I'm so emotionally distraught about not being able to date in the past or present. I grieve the experiences I could have had in my younger years, and not being able to date even now just makes it worse.

I can't wrap my head around how someone could want me when I feel so worthless, desperate and traumatised. My confidence as it relates to dating is non-existent, and the emotional torment inflicted upon me by my romantic loneliness is unyielding.

I feel like a peasant of the dating world. I've never wanted anything more than to have an intimate relationship with a romantic partner. To be wanted and to want the other person just as much. Who's going to want me when I feel like this?

I really don't want to live feeling this way anymore. My despair and hopelessness is only getting more and more intense with every passing year. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish I was born neurotypical or asexual. Wanting to date so much and never being able to is literal hell.

I guess I can't really be surprised that nobody responded to my last post. There probably isn't anything anyone could say to make me feel better short of offering a pathway to find a woman whom I could forge a romantic connection with. I don't know how that's supposed to happen when my confidence is so low that I completely lack belief in my capacity to find a mutually interested partner.

An absence of a romantic partner of some kind to focus on and feel good about leaves me with an unbearable romantic void that sucks me into an agonising pit of nihilistic despair. I'm so obsessed with my romantic situation because it is only through having a genuinely interested romantic companion that I can liberate myself from these vile emotions and feelings, actually feel content and at peace, and be able to more successfully work towards being the person I want to be and building the life I want to live.

I really wish there was a way to meet a woman or women I'm interested in who would actively pursue me romantically. Having that occur and being able to establish a relationship from it would do more good for my emotional wellbeing than I can put into words, unless them finding out how emotionally distraught and desperate I am would lead to it all falling apart.

I've wanted this so much for so long, put countless hours into thinking about it, had countless conversations and received the input of a diverse range of people and yet nobody has the answer. With the precedent set by the past, and my own efforts and everybody's advice and contributions not being enough to achieve the necessary resolution, I can't help but feel like it's all hopeless and I'm doomed to suffer. And if I'm doomed to suffer, why would I want to live?

I tried to abstain from having weed this weekend because I have a job interview on Monday, but I just can't do it. It's so sad that I need to take drugs to coax myself into a state of docility just so I don't keep spiralling into a despair intense enough for me to wish I was dead.

Nobody should have to suffer this much.

Accept that life isn't fair and you don't always get what you want in life.

If you want to be a pro basketball player but you're 5 ft 5 and slow twitch dominant, tough luck.

The only thing you can do is to live life with the cards you've been dealt.

What sort of job is this?

Maybe they won’t care if you’re positive for weed.

Here I posted a list of depression support groups/resources. Hopefully you might find something helpful here.

Good luck on your job interview.

Some Australia-based resources I dug up just now:

- Depression support groups within 25 miles of Sydney (Meetup.com)
- Support groups (Black Dog Institute)
- GROW program
- Mental Health Support Groups
- Flourish Australia

To explain what's going on in my head so people get it:

1. Something triggers me to think about dating (or my mind goes there on its own)

2. I feel overcome with grief and sadness over my lack of dating history, and petrified of what my life will look like in the future if things don’t change.

3. I keep thinking about my situation over and over again because there is so much about it that really upsets me and I can't handle the current state of affairs.

The only thing that has ever offered me any relief is feeling wanted in a romantic way by a woman I'm attracted to, and that has really only ever happened online. Even though generally there's no prospect of it going anywhere serious due to distance, when I have a connection wherein I feel like I'm being accepted and valued as a heterosexual man by a heterosexual woman, I have something I can feel good about to focus on when thoughts of dating and relationships enter my periphery.

In the very rare instances when I've had some kind of romantic connection and validation, my thoughts go like this:

1. Something triggers me to think about dating (or my mind goes there on its own)

2. I think about the connection I have and get satisfaction from that

3. That connection makes me feel like I'm good enough for someone to want, and so I'm able to go about my day without the negative feelings I'd have in the previous scenario.

Sometimes when I've had a connection like this, I've completely stopped feeling depressed for its duration. It serves as an ongoing source of validation and hope, and it breaks the looping pattern that would otherwise persist. If that's the power that an online-only connection has, getting a girlfriend for real would have to be elevate my mood to levels of bliss that I’ve never experienced before.

People who say "getting a girlfriend won't solve your problems" ought to take note of what the problem actually is before they say that (not that anyone here has said that).

Finding a compatible girlfriend would drastically elevate the quality of my life, both by making me happy through giving me the experiences and acceptance I crave more than anything, and by demolishing intensely negative emotions and beliefs, and alleviating existential fears I am plagued with as a result of my current situation.

You probably have some form of “inner” OCD (unwanted intense intrusive thoughts).