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Casbah
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25 Dec 2022, 9:08 pm

Hello. Ive lurked for ages and finally joined. I'm recently diagnosed older female. I connected with an old friend who is also HFA. Because I thought I was NT for my entire life most of this is new to me. I'm learning everyday. My friend doesn't like labels, as we are long distance have met once but have talked for months. It seems we are involved, conversations have always been deep and one phone conversation was 5 hrs long.
My question is it seems like he gives me every reason to "leave" saying things like, if you expect anything from me youll be eventually disappointed. I have asked several times if he wants me to back off. No response. No response when I told him I loved him. I always initiate conversations after having confirmed we are involved. Its almost as if he caught me and his job is done. There are no more flirty texts, or phone calls. But he always answers right away to messages usually with walls of texts.And he sends me random songs/articles. I'm so confused especially before I deep dived traits of men with this. Could anyone here give any advice? I do love him for who he is and has always been. The connection is different than anything I've ever felt. He also had mentioned going slow. And no there has been no physical contact except a hug where I was crushed.



DanielW
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25 Dec 2022, 9:34 pm

I'm not sure what type of advice you are seeking here, but I don't think this guy has been trying to catch you. It seems he's been very upfront about who he is and how he will behave. Based on his behavior alone, is this someone you would be content with? Because I don't see him changing.

I think its very possible that you have much deeper romantic feelings about your relationship than he does. Especially given the fact that he has no response to wanting you to back off or to the "I love you". My thinking is that you are already having expectations about him, and consequently will be disappointed (as he has warned you) if you haven't been disappointed already.

I'd also think twice about the fact that if you expect anything from him, you'll be disappointed...that's a pretty big "red flag". While I can appreciate the honesty, this man is already telling you that you and your needs are never going to be a priority. Again, I have to wonder if that's the kind of relationship you really want...or is it just one you are willing to settle for. (There are no wrong answers to that, sometimes what we have is enough for our needs in the present.). Its something to think about though.



Last edited by DanielW on 25 Dec 2022, 9:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Casbah
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Location: St Louis

25 Dec 2022, 9:44 pm

Well. There was pursuit months before. Constant sweet poems, good night texts, Heavy flirting, from him. Then my feelings changed. They were not there in the beginning for me. It had always been platonic. I confessed and we met up.



DanielW
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25 Dec 2022, 9:50 pm

Every new relationship with have its pursuit or "honeymoon" phase... the length varies in every relationship. Now that the "Honeymoon's over". Is what you have been shown by this man currently enough for you? Can you live with the status quo?



Casbah
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25 Dec 2022, 10:07 pm

I appreciate your response and viewpoint. It wasn't something I was looking for. The behavior is baffling. Why keep in contact, why not just say it's best we part ways? We are known for being blunt and saying what we mean. I have had no interest in any such thing in decades as I found it always confusing. Just wondered how common this behavior is? From what I've read on other forums it seemed standard behavior from HFA men. Something I've never dealt with.



DanielW
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26 Dec 2022, 11:51 am

Some people, Both on and off the spectrum won't just come right out and end a relationship. Instead, they simply decide to pull away, or wait for the other person to leave on their own. Its cowardly, but its a common response.

And yes, heman behavior is often baffling.



Mona Pereth
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26 Dec 2022, 3:56 pm

Casbah wrote:
Hello. Ive lurked for ages and finally joined. I'm recently diagnosed older female. I connected with an old friend who is also HFA. Because I thought I was NT for my entire life most of this is new to me. I'm learning everyday. My friend doesn't like labels, as we are long distance have met once but have talked for months. It seems we are involved, conversations have always been deep and one phone conversation was 5 hrs long.
My question is it seems like he gives me every reason to "leave" saying things like, if you expect anything from me youll be eventually disappointed. I have asked several times if he wants me to back off. No response. No response when I told him I loved him. I always initiate conversations after having confirmed we are involved. Its almost as if he caught me and his job is done. There are no more flirty texts, or phone calls. But he always answers right away to messages usually with walls of texts.And he sends me random songs/articles. I'm so confused especially before I deep dived traits of men with this. Could anyone here give any advice? I do love him for who he is and has always been. The connection is different than anything I've ever felt. He also had mentioned going slow. And no there has been no physical contact except a hug where I was crushed.

It sounds to me like he likes you but might also be feeling smothered by too MUCH romantic attention from you, and perhaps by what he perceives as your demands for too MUCH attention from him.

If you can, I would suggest that you focus less on romantic gestures and more on other aspects of the relationship, including the other things that draw you and him together.

Also, do you have other (platonic) friends? If so, it might be a good idea to spend more time with them (especially your female friends, if any), thereby taking pressure off your partner.


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 26 Dec 2022, 4:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mona Pereth
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26 Dec 2022, 4:01 pm

DanielW wrote:
Some people, Both on and off the spectrum won't just come right out and end a relationship. Instead, they simply decide to pull away, or wait for the other person to leave on their own. Its cowardly, but its a common response.

Yes, some people do this, but I think it's premature to conclude that that's what's going on in this particular case. As Casbah wrote:

Casbah wrote:
But he always answers right away to messages usually with walls of texts. And he sends me random songs/articles.

Sounds like he still enjoys talking to her, if nothing else.

This being the case, the relationship may well be salvageable.


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- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter / "X" (new as of 2021)


Last edited by Mona Pereth on 26 Dec 2022, 6:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Casbah
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Joined: 25 Dec 2022
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 4
Location: St Louis

26 Dec 2022, 4:38 pm

I have dug into my own need for independence. Ive reached out to girlfriends, taken myself out for dinner, movies etc.
So yes that has helped. Like I said I'm completely clueless myself. Gave up years ago. No need. I just figured coming here might help me navigate as this seems like a younger demographic and having lived like an NT although not very well, it's a new world. I felt HFA my own age may be in the same situation especially women. As there are a high percentage of us that still don't know.