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mharrington85
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07 Jan 2023, 1:17 am

I didn't see it until after I posted in the general autism area...

I'm an autistic person living with his parents, even though I should be out on my own. My mother seems to hate me. She tells me I'm an ungrateful, disrespectful, needy, whiny so-and-so when my father tries to help and she wants me to do everything myself from now on. When we have dinner or when they call me for something, all they hear is a loud, disgusted sigh. My mother wants me to do all my own meals from now on, it seems, because of this.

I'm trying to move out, but apparently, it's not moving fast enough for me (I live near Sacramento). My mother really does want me gone, so that she can be at peace again, because I'm never grateful for anything they do, and whenever they want me to do something for them, I sigh irritably. I feel terrible and want to make it right, but I'm afraid I'm too far gone to fix it. I sometimes wish my autism could be cured so I could be a better person.

What can I do?



jimmy m
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07 Jan 2023, 8:29 am

What can I do?

I feel getting out of the position that you are in may be a challenge. The best advice I can give you is to take one step at a time. Do one thing that will improve your relationship with your family and build upon it day by day. Learn how to fix a meal. Then learn how to fix a different meal. Obtain a set of skills to make yourself as independent as possible. I suspect that your parents are staring into the future. They want you to succeed and they are at wits end staring at the possibility that they will pass away and leave you defenseless.

So my word of advice is BABY STEPS.


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autisticelders
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09 Jan 2023, 6:42 am

prepare yourself as suggested above. Learn what skills it will take to live alone, household management such as cleaning, cooking, laundry, self care. Learn how to manage your money, make a budget, balance a check book. You might be able to get your family involved in making a list of the skills you need practice on. I some of this is beyond you, then maybe they can help you find supportive living arrangements with room mates and a "house parent" or something of the sort. You have lots of alternatives. Its OK to ask for help finding ways to get the new life to happen.
My mother wanted me gone from a very early age, so I understand the hurt feelings involved. I could have done a better job of being polite and helpful around the house, but I understand the frustration and sometimes unhealthy family patterns can interfere with all of that too. If you can, find an advisor or councilor, therapist or social worker and ask them to help you set goals and take just one little step at a time. You will feel more prepared and confident as you gain skills and insights. Best wishes.


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Mona Pereth
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09 Jan 2023, 2:12 pm

mharrington85 wrote:
because I'm never grateful for anything they do, and whenever they want me to do something for them, I sigh irritably. I feel terrible and want to make it right, but I'm afraid I'm too far gone to fix it.

Why is this, exactly?

For example, why do you "sigh irritably" in response to your parents' requests? Is it because your concentration has been broken, and you have difficulty handling having your concentration broken? Or do you have difficulty handling last-minute changes to your routine? These are common difficulties of autistic people.

Also, what is the source of your difficulty with expressing gratitude? How do your parents want you to express gratitude? Whatever it is they want, what about it is especially difficult for you?

It might be a good idea to for you to try to identify the exact causes of your difficulties with responding to your parents the way they want, and then discuss those difficulties with your parents, with the aim of negotiating possible workarounds.

For example, if the reason you "sigh irritably" is because of difficulty handling it when your concentration is broken, then perhaps you could ask your parents to be gentler and more gradual in the way they get your attention, e.g. by saying just your name first, then waiting for a response before they say anything else.

Anyhow, welcome to Wrong Planet.


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Summer_Twilight
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09 Jan 2023, 2:21 pm

mharrington85 wrote:
I didn't see it until after I posted in the general autism area...

I'm an autistic person living with his parents, even though I should be out on my own. My mother seems to hate me. She tells me I'm an ungrateful, disrespectful, needy, whiny so-and-so when my father tries to help and she wants me to do everything myself from now on. When we have dinner or when they call me for something, all they hear is a loud, disgusted sigh. My mother wants me to do all my own meals from now on, it seems, because of this.

I'm trying to move out, but apparently, it's not moving fast enough for me (I live near Sacramento). My mother really does want me gone, so that she can be at peace again, because I'm never grateful for anything they do, and whenever they want me to do something for them, I sigh irritably. I feel terrible and want to make it right, but I'm afraid I'm too far gone to fix it. I sometimes wish my autism could be cured so I could be a better person.

What can I do?


It sounds like the situation is mutual in terms of you being on your own and it also sounds like your mom is the one who is ungrateful and she is projecting how she feels. Meanwhile, you sound like you are frustrated and you are doing the best you can.

Have you ever thought about learning to be more assertive?



Mona Pereth
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08 Feb 2023, 6:50 pm

mharrington85 wrote:
When we have dinner or when they call me for something, all they hear is a loud, disgusted sigh. My mother wants me to do all my own meals from now on, it seems, because of this.

I'm trying to move out, but apparently, it's not moving fast enough for me (I live near Sacramento). My mother really does want me gone, so that she can be at peace again, because I'm never grateful for anything they do, and whenever they want me to do something for them, I sigh irritably.

What is the reason for your irritation? Is it the mere fact that they want you to do something? Or is it that their requests are too sudden? Would it be easier for you if they were to give you a fixed daily schedule of household chores, plus maybe some regularly-scheduled weekly or monthly chores too, that you are told about well in advance?

An aversion to sudden shifts in attention is a common autistic trait. So I'm wondering if at least some of your difficulties with your parents could be resolved by asking them to give you a fixed schedule of chores.

Also I'm wondering if you are irritated by the way they try to get your attention when they need to talk to you. I know that I tend to get irritated whenever my concentration is broken too abruptly. So I'm wondering if you would be less irritated if, when your parents need to talk to you, they would be gentler about breaking your focus. For example, perhaps they could start by just saying your name, then wait for you to respond before saying anything else.


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- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter / "X" (new as of 2021)