Please help me understand

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, two days ago I (26F and NT) had a small argument with an aspie man (28M). We've been talking for 2 months everyday and he's been really romantic to me. And some time ago, we confessed to each other that we liked each other.

In the past, he's expressed to me that he wants to become better and that he wants me to tell him if sth bothers me.

Two days ago he talked about a topic I didn't like (he was talking about one of his ex), and I got really mad and told him I didn't want to keep talking about that and left the conversation (I know I did wrong).

Yesterday he talked to me in the morning and told me to talk to him when sth bothers me instead of leaving, so I apologized bc I realized my mistake and explained him why it bothered me. He said he wouldn't talk about that topic anymore, and that he had no problem in stopping doing so and he explained why he said that and that he doesn't love his ex or anything, that it was just an anecdote.

However, after that he started replying with really short and "dry" texts instead of the usual long texts he sends to me. I asked him if everything is ok, and he said yes, that I shouldn't worry.

But today he has been online, but only sent me a "hello" late in the evening, and haven't replied to me anymore in the day, which it's not normal, since before this, we talked at all times.

I am already working on solving my communication problem and promised him it wouldn't happen again. And I already have an appointment to talk about it with my therapist on Tuesday. But I want to know if this is usual or if he doesn't like me anymore.
I know he is the only one who can know that, but I would like some opinions. is this normal behaviour? Do you do that? What for/Why?

Please don't judge me too much because I'm already beating myself up for messing it up. I had a previous relationship where my feelings were invalidated every time I shared them, so I learned to shut up and that's why I did it, I never intended anything bad, that's no excuse, I know, but just want to clarify I wasn't trying to hurt him or anything.

Edit: forgot to say we met online, and haven't met each other yet in person because we live in different areas of the country. So asking him in person is not an option

it does sound like he has cooled off towards you, but it might be temporary

I wouldn't beat myself up if I were you. Your actions didn't warrant such a drastic response as far as I can tell. His reaction seems a bit extreme to me (which may be more typical of someone on the spectrum due to "all or nothing" thinking). What you did may have been annoying or mildly irritating, but if a person expresses interest in you and does a reverse for something as small as what you describe, I would be nervous about proceeding further with that person anyway.

That being said, I wish you both the best and I hope it all works out for you guys.

If he wants to talk about his ex, you should let him. Romantic relationships are often the only sort of connection autistic men can make with other human beings. He probably has a lot to get off his chest about that relationship and has no one else with whom to talk about it. He's not using her as a way to make you feel inadequate.

I think it's a tricky one, how much talking about exes is OK. Probably good to use gentle pressure for him to dial it down when it's starting to get a bit too much, rather than letting it go on far too long and then suddenly calling a halt to the whole encounter. People often do need to talk about these things but it can get very uncomfortable to listen to if it's taken to extremes, for a number of reasons.

I'd recommend measured, limited resistance like that, but for all I know he might be rather a black-and-white thinker and it might then take a while to get him to understand the difference between an absolute veto and a request for a bit less. I'd reassure him that you won't react so extremely again. It sounds like you've already done that but sometimes reassurance needs reinforcing. And it's very hard for me to know exactly what to suggest because I don't know much about the situation or the psychological make-up of the people involved.

I am NT and will this Spring celebrate 29 years with my aspie husband.

Sometimes I will think my husband is bothered by something when in fact he is thinking about his video game or a pair of pants. It's best to directly ask.

You can't pick apart, or sleuth, the small social interactions with any autistic person. They are simply doing their best whenever they are communicating with you. And you also need to accept that you are just doing your best as well. Just because you are the NT in the relationship does not mean that you are the social expert. Keep what is important to each of you on equal footing. As in, yes he shouldn't rattle on about his ex, but at the same time you can try to find a gentle (and CLEAR) way of letting him know when something bothers you.

Be clear, simple, and to the point as much as possible and you'll be fine. Enjoy your relationship.

You reap what you sow. I don't see anything he did as particularly autistic. There is nothing that bothers me more than when someone hangs up the phone or abruptly ends the conversation. Both my wife and my ex-wife did and do that. They would never accept that behavior from me.

Enough beating the dead horse. My suggestion is you leave him alone and let him come back to you when he is ready.