What happens when you give someone too much?

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r00tb33r
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12 Jan 2023, 7:11 pm

Relationships are all about giving. So that comes with a dilemma, whom to give, and how much. And is it ever in the right spirit to hold out? Life is a finite resource after all.

Not necessarily materially, but as an investment of self. Time, ideas, creativity, trust, memories and life story, romantic gestures, words, etc.

What happens when you spare nothing and give it all to one person. And they squander it. How do you go on after that?

This past fall I toured coastal Alaska and witnessed the following scene at the totem park in Sitka. The weather was nice, I only wore a fleece jacket that day. There were bear activity signs at the entrance, and I had already smelled what is to come as I was walking along the coast. It was the tail end of the salmon spawning season. There were no bears in sight anywhere, they have long since eaten their fill by that point. A small river ran through that park. In places on the path along the river bank I couldn't help but gag from the brutal stench of rotting fish. Seagulls, inside the woods of the park, were lazily pulling dying fish out of the water, never bothering to eat the whole thing, they'd leave them half-eaten on the bank. Each one around 2 feet long (~60cm). I reached a low bridge over the water where I could stand over it and watch the water below, swarming with fish in their spawning positions, no more than foot and a half between each (<50cm). The fish slowly flexed their bodies, hovering in place against the slow current. They bobbed a little in the stream of water, neighboring fish aggressively rammed each other if another got too close. They were already finished with the spawn by then, they were just idling, burning off the last bit of energy before dying. Those fish are too damaged and exhausted from their long journey to and up the rocky river, they cannot live. What I was witnessing was a living graveyard.

Today I'm that dying fish, I've given everything that I had in me, sparing nothing. I'm completely used up and spent. I gave it a 1000% and there is nothing left to give. I guess I'm one of the ones that didn't reach the objective.

There are not that many good words, and once you've said them, how do you speak them again to someone else? How do you speak the same vows to someone else? It will never feel right. How do you take back a promise?

This is something I never understood about the dating activity that some others do. Surely they'd have to repeat themselves for all those different people, turning an intimate conversation about growing up into some kind of stage act. It's forced and not genuine. Some things can only come out once.

Us, the men from a place like this, we aren't exactly prime dating material. It's good when we're able to find jobs and meet basic needs, making us just barely marketable. But with a significant social handicap we have to make an effort twice, thrice, and tenfold even, to make it happen for us. You might not have the resource of life to have that level of exertion again, after you're completely spent.

I hate ugly gender generalizations but there's ugly truth in this. For any woman who is even remotely f***able there are always options in a dating pool. That's just the common sense reality of it. It's a relatively low effort activity for women.


It's too late for it to make a difference now, but I still wonder, how do you manage the dilemma of how much of yourself to give someone?



...And boy, I tell ya, they say there's a lot of fish in the sea. I went and saw a lot of fish... AND IT STINKS!! !


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Last edited by r00tb33r on 12 Jan 2023, 7:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

DanielW
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12 Jan 2023, 7:35 pm

In a healthy relationship you CAN'T give someone too much. You give and get back, that way neither person is ever running on empty. If your relationships aren't recharging your batteries so to speak, you're just being used...and its probably time to leave. or at least have a serious discussion about getting YOUR needs met.



nick007
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13 Jan 2023, 12:40 am

Giving too much in a relationship might could be a major warning sign of codependency. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with that(along with various other things including Aspergers) when I had a mental breakdown over my 1st relationship falling apart. Emily was trying to quit drugs & alcohol when we got together & part of the reason I got in a relationship with her was because she seemed a lot happier having me as her friend. I became a better person having her as my friend & in the begging of our relationship. I wanted(felt I needed) to return the favor but I went overboard & took it to the extreme. She started slipping back into old habits after a while & I acted like a very overprotective dad. I felt like I was failing her whenever she was upset or something even when things had nothing to do with me. My life revolved around her & at least a few times she compared me to the Giving Tree. I eventually reached my breaking point & started acting out & took things out on her. I also made up things to try & get her to worry about me so she'd know how I felt. I still hate myself for that.

Unlike you r00tb33r, I did not feel used up after that relationship ended. I MAJORLY HATED being single after. I wanted to go back to the person I was in the begging of our relationship where I gave a lot but I also got a lot back in return. I guess moderation is the key here.

My current relationship is very interdependent. I give quite a lot sometimes but the reward is usually well worth it. However there are times when I feel I'm giving too much & many times I feel like I'm letting Cass down. Luckily I'm usually able to analyze things logically & stop myself from taking things out on her & stop the spiral of blaming myself. I do feel guilty sometimes when Cass says things like Soulmate because I had thought Emily was my soulmate. I no longer really believe in the concept of a soulmate. I still love Emily but I moved on & I know & accept that it's aLOT better for both of us to have noting to do with each other.

I don't think I'd get the codependent label these days from any decent psych. My sever anxiety & OCD were major factors & the meds I'm on help that a lot.


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kraftiekortie
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14 Jan 2023, 7:06 am

Think of it this way: at least you had the means to go to Sitka in the first place.

I get the metaphor…..but people are people, I’ve realized. I’ve been screwed aplenty…..but at least I have the opportunity to see beautiful scenes without the burden of human psychology ruining it for me.

I want to travel the world. I want to do that without a relationship (or the memory of one) dragging me down. I don’t find human relationships and their complexity as pleasurable as driving alone on a highway listening to a ballgame.

I never, ever, want to have an extreme, all-encompassing relationship with a person. It’s just too much for me. Symbiosis, without a way out, is almost like death.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 14 Jan 2023, 7:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

blazingstar
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14 Jan 2023, 7:27 am

In a healthy relationships the spoons are given back and forth freely, sometimes shared simultaneously, sometimes unequally.

It sounds like you are out of spoons. Sometimes we do give until we are out of spoons.

As difficult as it is now, you can replenish your spoon supply. It is not easy. It takes a long time.

At some point, you will witness a great migration of birds, butterflies, or mammals. You will gasp in awe at their determination and resiliency. And you will realize your great reserve of spoons and your strength to persevere and your joy in that power.

Quote:
I suspect you are correct, that autistic women with the willingness to lie with men (cruder wording comes to mind), can find male partners at least for a time. That comes at the expense of spoons also, just in other ways.


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kraftiekortie
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14 Jan 2023, 7:40 am

Yep…the power of Nature…while knowing you are fortunate for being human.



r00tb33r
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14 Feb 2023, 4:39 am

Going belly up.


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IsabellaLinton
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14 Feb 2023, 4:42 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Think of it this way: at least you had the means to go to Sitka in the first place.

I get the metaphor…..but people are people, I’ve realized. I’ve been screwed aplenty…..but at least I have the opportunity to see beautiful scenes without the burden of human psychology ruining it for me.

I want to travel the world. I want to do that without a relationship (or the memory of one) dragging me down. I don’t find human relationships and their complexity as pleasurable as driving alone on a highway listening to a ballgame.

I never, ever, want to have an extreme, all-encompassing relationship with a person. It’s just too much for me. Symbiosis, without a way out, is almost like death.



Are you getting divorced?



kraftiekortie
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14 Feb 2023, 6:47 am

Nope. At least not yet.



r00tb33r
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14 Feb 2023, 6:49 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Nope. At least not yet.

Is that about you posting about older women digging you? :lol: :shameonyou:


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kraftiekortie
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14 Feb 2023, 6:54 am

They dug me when I was young.

Now, I’m too old to be dug by “older women.” Or for me to dig those who are much older than me.

The answer to the Original Question: Don’t give so much that your individuality becomes immersed in another person, leaving you “self-less.”



nick007
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14 Feb 2023, 4:30 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
The answer to the Original Question: Don’t give so much that your individuality becomes immersed in another person, leaving you “self-less.”
In this context self-less is extremely selfish. The person comes 1st because you your sense of self & survival depend on them. Yep much better to have some sense of individuality, independence, & do your own thing sometimes. Us Aspies are known for being loners who go our own way with things & it's best to not completely deny that.


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