Being free of problems before dating?

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nick007
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18 Jan 2023, 1:20 pm

When I was single LOTS of people told me that I needed to fix myself before I was ready for a relationship. The thing is I had been trying to work on myself in various ways but I was majorly stuck in a rut due to crummy life circumstances. Some of the ways others wanted me to improve were things that were practically impossible for a disabled person like me; like being gainfully employed, working 15 hours of overtime a week at my minimum-wage jobs when I was allowed to did NOT count as gainful employment to them :x


IsabellaLinton wrote:
When people say to be free of problems, I don't think it means we have to own houses or be athletic.

In my opinion that sentiment means we should be rid of relationship baggage from other people, and get a handle on any depression, anxiety, etc., so we are as stable as possible and our partner isn't drawn into the fray.

In my experience when I wasn't ready for relationships it's because I was looking for white knights or someone to comfort me from the previous person. Later on I had trauma so badly it wouldn't have been fair for me to commit to anyone, because all of my emotional resources needed to go toward my own recovery. No one wants a needy partner or a partner who can't be self-sufficient in their own psychology. Sure, it's good to share and help each other but ultimately, we're all individuals and we have to care for ourselves before we can love anyone else in a safe or healthy way.
I get what your saying but my experience is the opposite. I was better able to deal with my relationship baggage after I got in my current relationship. I LOVE needy dependent women. They tend to be more relatable, understanding, & sympathetic of my issues. I can also use my bad experiences as a way of connecting & helping them. I can turn my bad experiences into positives. I'm a much better person in my current relationship than I ever was single & I like the person I am instead of constantly feeling like a loser because it's impossible for me to measure up to others. Me & my girlfriend were having a serious conversation last night & she made the comment about how I changed in lots of ways after we moved in together 10 years ago. I'm more independent & outgoing on my own than I ever was during 30 years I lived with my parents. Some of that is because I cant drive & my parents live in a ruralish area with no viable public transportation system & nothing within a decent walking distance. Lots of the various progress I've made in the last 10 years came as a result of me trying to work on myself. Being in a better environment & having someone there for me who I could turn to helped give me the support & encouragement that I needed to better manage things. I readily admit that things are very difficult for the both of us sometimes(or lots of times) but things would probably be more difficult if we were both single & didn't have each other.


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IsabellaLinton
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18 Jan 2023, 2:41 pm

That's really sweet, Nick. I'm glad things are going so well for you.

In my case I just won't let myself be dependent on anyone (financially or emotionally).
It's a trauma response but I know it won't change.
My problems are usually so big they scare people away anyway.
If I don't have a handle on them, I end up hurting the other person.
I'd never want to do that.

I've grown a lot with my partner too -- more than I thought possible.
Part of it is from his support and example.
Part of it is just from managing a healthy relationship for my first time ever.
That has been really scary unto itself because I didn't know how to trust.

The rest of the growth has been me, doing a deep dive into my trauma.
I've worked extraordinarily hard to understand and better myself.
I know if we split up (which is always on the table unf), I'll be OK on my own.



nick007
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18 Jan 2023, 3:19 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
That's really sweet, Nick. I'm glad things are going so well for you.

In my case I just won't let myself be dependent on anyone (financially or emotionally).
It's a trauma response but I know it won't change.
My problems are usually so big they scare people away anyway.
If I don't have a handle on them, I end up hurting the other person.
I'd never want to do that.

I've grown a lot with my partner too -- more than I thought possible.
Part of it is from his support and example.
Part of it is just from managing a healthy relationship for my first time ever.
That has been really scary unto itself because I didn't know how to trust.

The rest of the growth has been me, doing a deep dive into my trauma.
I've worked extraordinarily hard to understand and better myself.
I know if we split up (which is always on the table unf), I'll be OK on my own.
Thanx. I'm glad things are going a lot better for you as well :D

I guess in my case I don't know how to not be dependent in some(OK lots) of ways. It's just not in the cards for me & I accept that but I also know that I can make lots of progress but I try to be realistic. My issues tend to scare most others away as well. It was extremely difficult for me to find someone who wasn't scared away & willing to give me a real chance & try to meet me halfway. My issues majorly contributed to me screwing up my 1st two relationships & I still hate myself for hurting them. I know I will always feel guilty about that but I also know that I can not change the past & the best I can realistically do is to try & do better now. I realized during my 2nd relationship that I did NOT have as nearly as good of a handle on my issues as I hoped. I had a better understanding of some of the causes thou like OCD & anxiety & I tried to find better ways to manage em like different psych meds & also seeking out a relationship with someone who is more needy & clingy. Feeling pushed away, unwanted, & like I'm the problem makes things aLOT worse. I still have way more than my fair share of issues & they can still cause major problems within my current relationship sometimes or just my life in general but I'm NOT expecting perfection & neither is she.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition