I'm not responding to messages

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Silence23
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15 Jan 2023, 4:32 am

There is a re-occuring social behaviour pattern in my life, and I wonder if that is a common pattern among autists. It is particularly related to online communication.

In my case online communication is basically the only form of communication I still regularly use, e.g. because it's much easier to express my thoughts that way and much less stressful than other forms of communication.

The pattern is that seemingly without a cause I will stop responding to messages from people, while not being depressed or feeling sick. No matter how well I know that person. E.g. I may consider them very close friends for a decade or more. There are no obvious words, phrases or ideas in their messages which could cause stress or anxiety. Though I suspect it may sometimes be something like a micro stressor (don't know if that term exists, I mean something similar to a micro aggression) in their messages or so? Something subtile I can not pinpoint exactly, but which may cause a flight response due to stress.

Example 1:
On January 1st a woman I had on/off contact about specific topics in the past few years wished me a happy new year "with all one's heart". I like that person, and I'd actually like to have a conversation with her. Though she also has communication problems, she's very secretive about personal things (like me, normally) and has some paranoid ideas, so I don't know what's the cause. I only know she considers herself "not normal".

Instead of replying some standard phrase (I often do that), I didn't respond to her and ignored her existence for a week. Then I started a conversation with her about a topic we're both interested in, without responding to her previous message. I guess it can be quite confusing or stressful for other people to deal with me.

Example 2:
My older sister is quite smart. She knows that I have communication issues, so she never calls me (I consider phone calls terrorism). Instead she may write emails. Though she also rarely does that anymore, as she probably knows this typically doesn't trigger a response from me.

In recent years, instead of writing an email, she does give my mother a "present" for me every xmas, which I will receive a few days later when visiting my mother. That "present" is broken electric/electronic devices which she asks me to repair.

This is basically a perfect way to get me to respond and write her an email, e.g. telling her what exactly is broken and whether it's cheaper to buy a new one or buy parts to fix it.

This time I may need her help soon, and I planned to write her an email weeks ago, to tell her that I'm currently too depressed to look at her things. Now I'm much less depressed, as I started taking an antidepressant again, but I still didn't respond to her, and still didn't look at her broken electric device. It's on my to-do list.

So, is this a common problem among autists? Any tips and tricks to deal with it better? Other than "just force yourself", which is useless to me.

I guess this may be one of the reasons why many autists struggle to maintain friendships?



Pepe
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15 Jan 2023, 5:34 am

Silence23 wrote:
In my case online communication is basically the only form of communication I still regularly use, e.g. because it's much easier to express my thoughts that way and much less stressful than other forms of communication.


I consider this the best form of communication for those on the spectrum.



Mona Pereth
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17 Jan 2023, 6:40 am

Silence23 wrote:
The pattern is that seemingly without a cause I will stop responding to messages from people, while not being depressed or feeling sick. No matter how well I know that person.

[...]

I guess this may be one of the reasons why many autists struggle to maintain friendships?

I tend to be irregular about written communication too.

The problem is that it is easily mistaken for ghosting.

For myself at least, I think the only solution is to let people know that this is how I am, and that I if I become uncommunicative with a friend, it does NOT mean I don't want to hear from that person, it just means I'm short on spoons.

It also helps to be a relatively assertive person who can credibly say that, in general, with only very rare exceptions, I don't ghost. If I need to reject someone who is courting me or otherwise trying to get to know me, I don't usually have a problem with coming right out and saying I don't think we're compatible, and pointing to some specific reasons why.


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Silence23
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17 Jan 2023, 10:14 am

I hate this forum for not letting me edit my postings lol. When I write a lot of text, I tend to give too much information, and regret it later.

Indeed it can be easily confused with ghosting. In fact I thought I got ghosted after having private social interactions with autists. I was really confused, because no one ever ghosted me before. Though after a while I figured out that's similar to how I would behave.

Quote:
For myself at least, I think the only solution is to let people know that this is how I am, and that I if I become uncommunicative with a friend, it does NOT mean I don't want to hear from that person, it just means I'm short on spoons.


Smart way to deal with it.

I also figured out that it most likely doesn't have anything to do with "micro stressors" hidden inside the message. It's more like my capacity for private social interaction is very limited. The "battery" gets drained easily. And while I'm depressed it's basically completely empty all the time. It may still be possible to have social interaction with a drained battery, but in my case it's a very bad idea.



Mona Pereth
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17 Jan 2023, 5:02 pm

Silence23 wrote:
I hate this forum for not letting me edit my postings lol. When I write a lot of text, I tend to give too much information, and regret it later.

Suggestion: Write your posts (or at least your longer ones) in a separate text file first. Then copy and paste into Wrong Planet later.


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Silence23
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18 Jan 2023, 7:48 am

Well, sometimes I'm not just slow, I'm extremely slow. It can take several days until I notice that it was too much information :)



Clararawr
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21 Jan 2023, 12:52 am

If communication isn't a trade of information I tend to be very bad at replying. My brain gets stuck trying to process and trying to formulate an appropriate response.

If I am discussing something specific (like the electronics) I tend to be great at responding. If its discussing anything emotional or that needs tactful explaining (like your depression impeding your repair speed) I am awful at responding.

You're not alone, I also think your sister will be understanding. She is obviously trying to find the best way to communicate with you.