What do you do if you feel awkwardness with your friend?

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KitLily
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19 Jan 2023, 11:49 am

I'm not even sure how to put this.

It's just that I often notice real life friends and social media friends suddenly dropping me. Or at least moving away from me somewhat.

I'm not aware that I've done anything wrong, but something must have happened. Or we had a very slight disagreement and drifted apart a little.

So how do I go about re-contacting them? Or at least making the first move? What words would I use?

e.g. a friend on social media (let's call her Katie) who I get on with and we help each other with our problems and seem to be good friends. She took offence at a very mild, typical comment I made about the NHS during a health related conversation we were having and got a bit bothered. I apologised, even though I was rather bemused. Then she said I should be mindful of other people's feelings.

Erm...I've spent my life being mindful of other people's feelings, often to the point where I end up hurting myself so as not to hurt them. It's only recently I've learned that I'm allowed to have feelings, needs and wants of my own and I don't just have to go along with everyone else.

So I backed off because I don't know when I might say something else to upset Katie as her offence was very sudden. I don't want to upset her so I'm keeping my distance, and also feel a bit hurt that she misunderstood me so much.

But what would I say to restart communication with her? What words would I use?

Hope all that makes sense.


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Mona Pereth
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19 Jan 2023, 5:18 pm

KitLily wrote:
e.g. a friend on social media (let's call her Katie) who I get on with and we help each other with our problems and seem to be good friends. She took offence at a very mild, typical comment I made about the NHS during a health related conversation we were having and got a bit bothered. I apologised, even though I was rather bemused. Then she said I should be mindful of other people's feelings.

If you feel comfortable sharing this here, perhaps you could tell us more of the specifics of what you said and exactly what she took offense at and her reasons for finding it offensive?

Does this have to do with a political disagreement you and she have about NHS policy?

KitLily wrote:
But what would I say to restart communication with her? What words would I use?

The best answers to that question would probably depend, to some degree, on the exact nature of what she was offended by and why.


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KitLily
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20 Jan 2023, 9:12 am

We were talking about how the NHS is going down the drain and not treating old people, or anyone, efficiently anymore. Another person asked what the government will do to stop this happening, so I replied that the government is going to bring in private insurance-based healthcare, the American system, so we'll all be paying for our healthcare.

I've said it hundreds of times before, it's blindingly obvious that this is the government is taking this approach in Britain: run down the NHS so it doesn't work, then bring in private, insurance-based healthcare to replace it.

I didn't understand why Katie suddenly took offence because she knows my views on the NHS, she's heard them many times before, but suddenly bam! she got offended at a comment I'd made many times before.

:shrug:

I'm wondering what to do when I feel like friends are drifting away or dropping me, because it happens frequently. How do I restart the contact?

I asked a couple of times why friends hadn't contacted me for a while and they started ranting about how I'd 'said something awful' and they couldn't be friends with me anymore. I never found out what the 'something awful' was, so how am I to clarify/explain what I meant? Even if I could remember it, because it's always months ago that this sort of thing happened. I can't remember what I said yesterday, let alone months ago.

I suppose it was just some random thought that I said out loud and they thought it was some deeply held belief of mine that I lived by. Who knows...


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Silence23
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20 Jan 2023, 10:48 am

Politics is basically a battlefield. Many normies hate people who aren't in line with their political beliefs. They're on the enemy team. So either don't say anything about political issues, or find friends who are tolerant towards people with different political beliefs. E.g. Libertarians. I mean they may despise non-libertarian ideologies and keep calling you a socialist or communist, but they will still be your friends.

Just never say something like "taxes are the price we pay for living in a civilized society" or it's over. (jk. They will just make fun of you for saying it)

Maybe just contact your friend again in a few weeks. Don't know what to say though.

An autistic woman who was furiously mad at me for supporting Kurds and blocked me after I ignored her angry messages a few years ago is now super friendly (at least while she doesn't ghost me) after I contacted her again a few weeks ago.



Last edited by Silence23 on 20 Jan 2023, 2:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mona Pereth
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20 Jan 2023, 2:15 pm

KitLily wrote:
We were talking about how the NHS is going down the drain and not treating old people, or anyone, efficiently anymore. Another person asked what the government will do to stop this happening, so I replied that the government is going to bring in private insurance-based healthcare, the American system, so we'll all be paying for our healthcare.

I've said it hundreds of times before, it's blindingly obvious that this is the government is taking this approach in Britain: run down the NHS so it doesn't work, then bring in private, insurance-based healthcare to replace it.

I didn't understand why Katie suddenly took offence because she knows my views on the NHS, she's heard them many times before, but suddenly bam! she got offended at a comment I'd made many times before.

:shrug:

Has she ever expressed to you her own view about the NHS? If so, how do her views differ from yours?

KitLily wrote:
I'm wondering what to do when I feel like friends are drifting away or dropping me, because it happens frequently. How do I restart the contact?

There's no one-size fits-all answer to this question. A lot depends on the reason why the the person is dropping you or drifting away. In particular, a lot depends on whether the person is offended by something you said or did, or whether they are drifting away for some other reason, possibly having nothing to do with you.

If you've NOT received any indication that you offended the person, then they might just have been too busy to contact you. In that case, I would suggest just waiting a month or two, then maybe sending them (via email or social media private message) a link to a news story about some topic of common interest, together with some comments that you think are likely to spark a conversation with that particular person.

KitLily wrote:
I asked a couple of times why friends hadn't contacted me for a while and they started ranting about how I'd 'said something awful' and they couldn't be friends with me anymore. I never found out what the 'something awful' was, so how am I to clarify/explain what I meant? Even if I could remember it, because it's always months ago that this sort of thing happened. I can't remember what I said yesterday, let alone months ago.

I suppose it was just some random thought that I said out loud and they thought it was some deeply held belief of mine that I lived by. Who knows...

How have you usually responded to these rantings?

For example, have you tried simply saying you're sorry you offended them, and then asking what the 'something awful' was?


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KitLily
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21 Jan 2023, 1:02 pm

Silence23 wrote:
Politics is basically a battlefield. Many normies hate people who aren't in line with their political beliefs. They're on the enemy team. So either don't say anything about political issues, or find friends who are tolerant towards people with different political beliefs. E.g. Libertarians. I mean they may despise non-libertarian ideologies and keep calling you a socialist or communist, but they will still be your friends.

Just never say something like "taxes are the price we pay for living in a civilized society" or it's over. (jk. They will just make fun of you for saying it)

Maybe just contact your friend again in a few weeks. Don't know what to say though.


I don't get why healthcare is suddenly political but I suppose everything is political these days.

It was the fact that I'd said the same thing many many times, then suddenly Katie took offence at the same comment I'd made so many times. And she believes the same as me: that the NHS is being run down so we have to use private healthcare. She is one of my friends who is on the 'same side' as me politically.

Maybe it was the last straw and the 100th time I said it tipped her over the edge. Maybe she was just in a bad mood.

Yes, I'll contact her eventually I suppose. Dunno. When I feel bewildered like this I tend to do nothing as I don't know what to do.


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KitLily
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21 Jan 2023, 1:13 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Has she ever expressed to you her own view about the NHS? If so, how do her views differ from yours?


Yes, she usually believes the same as me. That's why I was confused.

KitLily wrote:
I'm wondering what to do when I feel like friends are drifting away or dropping me, because it happens frequently. How do I restart the contact?
Mona Pereth wrote:
There's no one-size fits-all answer to this question. A lot depends on the reason why the the person is dropping you or drifting away. In particular, a lot depends on whether the person is offended by something you said or did, or whether they are drifting away for some other reason, possibly having nothing to do with you.

If you've NOT received any indication that you offended the person, then they might just have been too busy to contact you. In that case, I would suggest just waiting a month or two, then maybe sending them (via email or social media private message) a link to a news story about some topic of common interest, together with some comments that you think are likely to spark a conversation with that particular person.


I used to try and contact people who I hadn't heard from in a while, but they are usually unenthusiastic about me and don't keep in contact. One woman just sent me an emoji every time I texted, with no words, so I was bemused and gave up. It's rare for someone to say 'hey! Great to hear from you' and keep in contact. I usually get polite indifference.

KitLily wrote:
I asked a couple of times why friends hadn't contacted me for a while and they started ranting about how I'd 'said something awful' and they couldn't be friends with me anymore. I never found out what the 'something awful' was, so how am I to clarify/explain what I meant? Even if I could remember it, because it's always months ago that this sort of thing happened. I can't remember what I said yesterday, let alone months ago.

I suppose it was just some random thought that I said out loud and they thought it was some deeply held belief of mine that I lived by. Who knows...
Mona Pereth wrote:
How have you usually responded to these rantings?

For example, have you tried simply saying you're sorry you offended them, and then asking what the 'something awful' was?
[/quote]

I've either just been bewildered and not known what to say, or when I've apologised, they've come at me even more, saying they don't believe me, I'm evil, I'm horrible etc.

The ones who attack me soon get abandoned by me, I'm not putting up with ridiculous behaviour like that. It's unfair to attack me for something I can't even remember doing or saying months ago. They should tell me near the time, then I can work out what the conversation was, what emotions were happening e.g. was I angry, scared, tired, ill, hungry? All those emotions could cause me to say extreme things which I wouldn't normally say.

People need to look carefully at others to see what their emotions are when they say extreme things.


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Silence23
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21 Jan 2023, 3:11 pm

I also have that problem that I don't know what to do when friends get emotional. So I basically ignore them. Doesn't matter if it's negative or positive emotions.



KitLily
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22 Jan 2023, 12:49 pm

Silence23 wrote:
I also have that problem that I don't know what to do when friends get emotional. So I basically ignore them. Doesn't matter if it's negative or positive emotions.


I know exactly what you mean... :?


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Mona Pereth
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23 Jan 2023, 4:50 am

KitLily wrote:
I don't get why healthcare is suddenly political but I suppose everything is political these days.

Anything involving government policy is by definition political.

KitLily wrote:
It was the fact that I'd said the same thing many many times, then suddenly Katie took offence at the same comment I'd made so many times. And she believes the same as me: that the NHS is being run down so we have to use private healthcare. She is one of my friends who is on the 'same side' as me politically.

Maybe it was the last straw and the 100th time I said it tipped her over the edge. Maybe she was just in a bad mood.

Yes, I'll contact her eventually I suppose. Dunno. When I feel bewildered like this I tend to do nothing as I don't know what to do.

How long ago did this happen?

I would suggest contacting her ASAP, the sooner the better, while this incident is still relatively fresh in both her and your minds.

I would suggest maybe writing something like:

"Hi _____ [name]. I'm very sorry that I offended you the other day. But I'm very puzzled as to WHAT I said that offended you. I highly value our friendship, and therefore I would appreciate it very much if you could give me the opportunity to resolve this misunderstanding. Could you please let me know exactly what I said that offended you? I might be mis-remembering, but I don't recall saying anything that I haven't said to you many times before, and that you previously agreed with. That's why I'm so baffled. I think you're a great person and I really hope I haven't damaged our friendship beyond repair."

If she responds favorably to the above or something similar, and if you are able to resolve that particular misunderstanding, it might then be appropriate to mention to her that you have a long history of this kind of misunderstanding, and that you therefore need your friends to be assertive in response to anything you say that offends them.


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KitLily
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23 Jan 2023, 7:30 am

Thanks Mona, that is very helpful :heart:


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Mona Pereth
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23 Jan 2023, 11:40 am

To KitLily: Please let us know how this works out for you.


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KitLily
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23 Jan 2023, 12:08 pm

N'aww...thanks for caring Mona :heart:


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