What gave away for you your therapist wasn't on your side?

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Aspie1
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26 Jan 2023, 8:22 pm

Those of you who attended therapy, what actions or statements on your therapist's part made you realize that he/she wasn't on your side? This is especially important for people doing therapy as minors, as therapists almost unanimously favor parents.

In my case, it was this. About a year into my therapy, I confided to my therapist about how my parents always fought with me about day-to-day matters: homework, chores, my food preferences, etc. Now, she maintained a small library of children's books in her office that she lent to patients. So she lent me a few books from the "What to Do When Your Parents Tell You to..." series by Joy Berry. The books are aimed at elementary school-aged children, and talk about topics like cleaning your room, doing your homework, not watching TV, etc.

Based on the titles, they seemed to be verbal self-defense guides, which taught children how to argue their ideas, such as how to stand your ground on not keeping the room spotlessly clean. When I got home and opened one of the books, I felt betrayed! They weren't verbal self-defense guides; they were obedience trainers! :evil: They didn't teach kids to stand up to parents; they taught kids to be more docile! Specifically, they gave instructions on cleaning one's room, doing homework, etc. And most instructions were common sense I didn't need to read.

That's when I realized she wasn't interested in helping ME. She was interested in making me more docile for my parents. Why else would she have me read such misleading books? Since she bought the books, the KNEW what they were. That's when I lost trust in her. And when I called her out on how horrible the books were, she pretended not to know what I was talking about. Which clinched my belief.

Well, the problem could be more with the book titles, than with the quack lending them to me. The authors made them deliberately misleading, in order to trick the kids into reading them. Today, the books are out of print, and are impossible to find, online or offline, except on Etsy. Not surprising!



firemonkey
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26 Jan 2023, 8:39 pm

The second and last trained therapist 17 years before I got the Asperger's dx- 'If you want to be a good person'. As though I was some kind of criminal .



ToughDiamond
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26 Jan 2023, 8:48 pm

With one of mine, he was just too didactic, sometimes appearing to listen but overall too full of himself, so I figured he couldn't possibly be really on my side. I think he was just a careerist.

With another, she was too glib about things - e.g. she said if I got diagnosed with ASD then my employer would stick me in a room on my own and that I'd be fine that way. Maybe I'm finicky, but if a therapist doesn't talk in a way that shows nuanced thinking, doesn't ask questions to find out whether their suspicions resonate with the actual client, they can't really be on my side because the truth is very often nuanced and grey, and a therapist who doesn't bother to find out those nuances doesn't even know what my side is, and so can't be there. They may have good intentions but they can only be on the side of some convenient figment of their imagination who doesn't exist.

I've not experienced any betrayals of confidence, but then I don't think there'd usually have been anybody important for them to betray my confidences to, and I've never had many secrets. I was an independent-living adult by the time I had anything to do with therapists. I suppose one or two of them would have been able to blab a few things to my partners, but AFAIK they never did.



shortfatbalduglyman
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26 Jan 2023, 10:04 pm

flying monkeys

A psychologist had the nerve to ask me "What do your parents not like about you?". But I find it hard to imagine that the psychologist asked my parents, "what does your daughter not like about you?". :mrgreen:

"Not like" is not specific enough. Anyone could "not like" anything, for any reason. Just because my parents did not "like" something about me, doesn't mean that I did something bad, wrong, illegal, or immoral. And, to me, the psychologist's word choice itself, ("not like"), made it sound like the psychologist's goal was to make me change into someone that my parents "liked" everything about.

In the psychologist's defense, however, he did not have much choice. If the child is underage, the parents are (almost) always paying the psychologist's bills. If the child were an emancipated minor, the parents would not be involved in the situation.

the "customer" is always right. the "customer" is the person paying the bills.



Aspie1
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27 Jan 2023, 7:35 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
A psychologist had the nerve to ask me "What do your parents not like about you?". But I find it hard to imagine that the psychologist asked my parents, "what does your daughter not like about you?". :mrgreen:
...
the "customer" is always right. the "customer" is the person paying the bills.
Mine did the exact same thing.

Aspie1: "My parents don't love me."
Quack: "Why do you think they don't love you?"
Aspie1: "They scream at me for hours about my messy desk, my occasional bad grades, and my interest in junk food."
Quack: "So are you saying that love is about them letting you do whatever you want?" (classic case of gaslighting)
Aspie1: <speechless> (I knew that "yes" was the wrong answer, and I couldn't bring myself to say "no".)

But sometimes it's not about "flying monkeys". It's about therapists looking for a quick fix (the very thing my therapist berated me for, when I asked her for antidepressants). Handling child abuse is very messy for the therapist. She (pronoun chosen because most family therapists are women) has to teach him coping skills, train him in verbal self-defense, support him while acting outwardly neutral, persuade his parents to be nicer to him, worry about losing income if they pull him out of therapy, work with the police and the county court if the child has to be removed from his home, etc, etc, etc.

At the same time, it's much easier to "help the child understand" :roll: (read: gaslight him) that what he thinks is "abuse" is actually a strong form of love. It takes just one or two sessions that are already scheduled, as opposed to months of paperwork and phone calls done in the off-hours. And once the child can bring himself to "understand" this simple concept, his family's problems will magically vanish. So most therapists choose to do exactly that, rather than get their hands dirty and actually HELP the child.



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29 Jan 2023, 12:00 am

First thing out of her mouth was that if I confessed suicidal feelings to her she was legally required to report me to the police. Instead of developing a repor, she just asked me a serious of questions I didn't really understand that she was reading off something. And when I first talked to her she said she would do the visit over Zoom. I struggled for hours trying to make an account and finally managed too but on the day of the visit, she didn't want to do Zoom anymore. "Oh I always do first visits over the phone!" Would have been nice of her to tell me that before the first visit was arranged. Also kept repeating that I should go work at PetCo if I want to be a vet. Maybe if I was sixteen but I'm 36 and need clinical experience. Yes, some PetCos do have a vet that comes in to give vaccines and routine exams but I kinda need to see EVERYTHING. I'm also on social security right now and can't risk loosing it. I need a place that will just let me volunteer.

Told me I would get it in veterinary school. No, you are required to have so many hours of clinical experience in an actual vet's office on your veterinary school application. If you don't have it, they won't even consider you. Then she just kept trying to argue the PetCo thing and repeating herself like a broken record. Also, she knew I couldn't drive and I am in a rural area with no bus access to anything. There are a few vets I could walk too but one won't contact me and the other said no. Becoming a vet is my special interest. The strongest one I have ever had. You DON'T argue with me about my special interests unless that is also your field too. You also don't tell people right away that if they tell you they feel suicidal, you're just going to report them to the police. Seriously, Girl, what made you think you'd be a good therapist? She won't last long.


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29 Jan 2023, 12:37 pm

A lot of things. Like when she completely dismissed my concerns about how she was giving me way too many diagnoses that didn't make sense. Or when she basically admitted that therapy wouldn't work on me no matter how hard I tried, and she was gonna make me take medicine to "be normal" (fun fact: i took it before and it did NOTHING). Therapists have told me plenty of BS, but I always trust them, and think they're on my side. But what really confirmed the one I'm talking about not being on my side is when she literally ditched me without saying ANYTHING, just suddenly acted like I wasn't there and didn't schedule more appointments. Just sharing my experience, I know what happened to me, so no need to reply and "disprove" anything I said.
Anyway. I'm fine now. And I'm glad she left, so now I can actually think for myself and not be controlled by what she thinks I should be like to "be normal". :D



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29 Jan 2023, 3:41 pm

MagicMeerkat wrote:
First thing out of her mouth was that if I confessed suicidal feelings to her she was legally required to report me to the police.

I noticed that Relate in the UK began to do that kind of thing. It seems the confidentiality of the interview has been compromised by some newish law or other, so now the clients have to sign a waiver that basically says if they mention certain things about illegal activities then they'll be shopped to the police. I suppose they can only be expected to cover their backs, and it's probably better than not knowing the risk, but it does put an atmosphere of distrust into the whole process from the start. And I remember a time when it wasn't like that.



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08 Feb 2023, 8:19 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
MagicMeerkat wrote:
First thing out of her mouth was that if I confessed suicidal feelings to her she was legally required to report me to the police.

I noticed that Relate in the UK began to do that kind of thing. It seems the confidentiality of the interview has been compromised by some newish law or other, so now the clients have to sign a waiver that basically says if they mention certain things about illegal activities then they'll be shopped to the police. I suppose they can only be expected to cover their backs, and it's probably better than not knowing the risk, but it does put an atmosphere of distrust into the whole process from the start. And I remember a time when it wasn't like that.

Same thing here in the U.S.A. Problem is, mandatory reporting laws and the gradual growth in scope thereof. Here in the U.S.A, these laws started back in the 1970's, with an obligation to report any evidence of serious physical violence against children, then gradually expanded to other domains as well.


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08 Feb 2023, 4:45 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:
MagicMeerkat wrote:
First thing out of her mouth was that if I confessed suicidal feelings to her she was legally required to report me to the police.

I noticed that Relate in the UK began to do that kind of thing. It seems the confidentiality of the interview has been compromised by some newish law or other, so now the clients have to sign a waiver that basically says if they mention certain things about illegal activities then they'll be shopped to the police. I suppose they can only be expected to cover their backs, and it's probably better than not knowing the risk, but it does put an atmosphere of distrust into the whole process from the start. And I remember a time when it wasn't like that.

Same thing here in the U.S.A. Problem is, mandatory reporting laws and the gradual growth in scope thereof. Here in the U.S.A, these laws started back in the 1970's, with an obligation to report any evidence of serious physical violence against children, then gradually expanded to other domains as well.


And people wonder why people are so reluctant to see a therapist.


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23 Feb 2023, 12:42 am

I once had a therapist who suggested something that was illegal was OK to do. I didn't go back to her. My principles are important to me and I'll never intentionally do something illegal or hurt other people to feel better about myself.


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24 Feb 2023, 12:21 pm

Instead of a psychologist person who’s often bogged and hindered by their “training,” how about:

1) speech therapist, which I’ve had as an adult,

2) organizing person for life and home, or

3) life coach ?

Basically, a person with some snap and “street smarts,” which I take to mean healthy interplay between theory and practice. :D

PS People I might hire if I were a rich rock star, work with me on this one! :jester:

And I wish we had our own Spectrum organizations to help provide these kind of helpers. And sometimes, certainly not always, they are on the more affordable side.



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24 Feb 2023, 1:23 pm

I never saw a therapist as a child, but I once had a therapist on a trial basis, and I fired him after the first ten minutes. He basically just spouted out his credentials and then started telling me the agenda he had for me before I ever even got a chance to say anything at all.


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25 Feb 2023, 2:03 pm

skibum wrote:
. . . and then started telling me the agenda he had for me before I ever even got a chance to say anything at all.
This is a great example of the counselor person being a “one-trick pony.”

He has the “perfect plan,” or the “one size fits all,” he’s the expert and that’s that. Or, at least that’s how he looked at it. It almost has religious aspects. He’s the priest, and you’re the supplicant humbly asking a favor.



skibum
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25 Feb 2023, 3:37 pm

AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote:
skibum wrote:
. . . and then started telling me the agenda he had for me before I ever even got a chance to say anything at all.
This is a great example of the counselor person being a “one-trick pony.”

He has the “perfect plan,” or the “one size fits all,” he’s the expert and that’s that. Or, at least that’s how he looked at it. It almost has religious aspects. He’s the priest, and you’re the supplicant humbly asking a favor.
Exactly! I kicked him out of the session. And a year later, when my therapist got another job and had to move, he had the audacity to ask for me to be his client. I complained that that was unethical. I hope he got his a$$ handed to him.


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25 Feb 2023, 11:33 pm

skibum wrote:
[Exactly! I kicked him out of the session. . .

I compliment you on your quick read of the situation and your confidence to act on it. :D

Myself, I realistically would have needed about a week to mull over the situation before deciding, yeah, this person is just not very good [regardless of whether they have a degree or not!]