AS-Wife wants to move out. NT Husband+2 Kids

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I wrote her an email. She then said she needs more time to reflect. How much more time, she couldn't say. That was a month ago.



Most frequently she says that she "can't stand the negativity in our house anymore or she'll go crazy". The thing is, it is HER who is heavily contributing to the "negativity" in house with unpredictable mood swings, irritability, insomnia, feelings of anxiety and dread, semi-depressed states or mysterious sicknesses that can take weeks in a row. Me and my kids are just trying to adapt.

Anyway, in the mean time she found small house which she is adamant to rent for full time even though she says she's going to use it just as an "insurance policy" (to retreat to when she is an bad state). Sure, this is going to be a financial hit, but she's stubborn about it. My position is this. it is what it is. Life is sh***y. If this is going to help her see that the reason for her frequent feelings of anxiety, depression, irritability and general dread of life is NOT us (her family) but her neurological state (from birth), then it's money well spent. As I see things, my wife can run away but she cannot hide. She'll never be ble to fully hide from negative symptoms of being on the spectrum. And the rest of us (if we stay together) will just going to have to accept this unfortunate fact.

One thing is clear though. If my wife moves out with an idea of having "family-on-demand", trying to cherrypick our life, enjoying just the pleasant aspects of having a family (vacations, trips, concerts, friends,....) while leaving all the other aspects of family life to me (such as raising our Asperger boy) while being inconsiderate to my feelings, it's going to be game over. I guess we're going to see where this "experiment" brings us.

Thank your for your comment. I appreciate it. A lot.

Mark

Question: who is going to pay for this "insurance" house? Her or you?

Until now it was always "us". Even though my wife and I do have several bank accounts of our own, it was never important who paid for what. It's one bucket.

That being said, it is also true that my wife has a very good salary and earns about the same money as I do. Practically speaking, even if she was separated, she could have afforded that special "insurance" house on her own.

This doesn't make it right though. I could go to a BMW dealership and could have bought myself a nice shiny "insurance" car too. But I don't because this is a road to financial distress when times get worse.

My wife doesn't care about the money in the state she is now. She sees her "insurance" little house as a way to get "peace and calm" when she feels overwhelmed with life and money spent for the rent is worth spending in her eyes.

is the 15 year old still throwing violent tantrums?

I can understand wanting to live in peace on the one hand , but I suppose a lot hinges on how much alone time she is thinking of having.

No. Our younger sob has camled down. Our joint vacation helped. And talk. And lots of love.

Well. We’re not there yet. For now, she hasn’t actually done it. I think my wife doesn’t know that either. I feel that she doesn’t want to establish a full blown separate household elsewhere, but she wants to have an option to retreat to a place which she treats as “her own” when she feels overwhelmed. That’s my impression at least. It’s hard for me to relate to this. But from what @mrspercy said in the thread above, I’m trying to understand even though it’s painful for me. We’ll see.

Last edited by MarkP on 28 Feb 2023, 4:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I find myself frequently re-reading thoughts of all of you in this thread, trying to find nuggets of wisdom. We obviously live far far away on different continents. But your thoughts are much appreciated. So, a Thank you. No matter what happens, I will will be forever grateful to you all.

That's not an answer to my question. Is the answer "us"?

Sorry, I made the same mistakes with my first wife you are making with yours and I lost everything (I am not exaggerating). Don't make the mistakes I did.

When I read about what she is doing and the lack of gratitude I do get vicariously angry. But that's only one side of the story. I supppse it all depends on what happens next.

Rse32: what do you suggest he actually does?

As I said, we have joint finances but we can affors the extra cost (for now). Plus, she earns well so…

Please, explain. What mistakes did you do speficially?

The big thing I didn't do was accept the evidence staring me in the face that no matter what i did, she wanted out.

Among other things, I paid for her apartment and bought her a new car.

I'd have been so much better off if I had put her clothes in a suitcase and left it on the lawn for her. My kids as well. Instead of cauterizing the wound immediately and taking the pain immediately, I let my wound fester and it turned gangrenous.

My advice would be to see a lawyer and don't tell her. Even if you have no intention of filing for divorce, you should arrange to protect your own assets and finances for the good of you and your children. I don't know what state you live in, but what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours goes all to hell in divorce in many jurisdictions.

EDIT: I know I may sound like a vindictive sad sack, but your situation is so much like mine. I actually get along better with ex-wife, who found out the grass isn't always greener on the other side, now than since we were first married.

To MarkP:

Not sure if this would satisfy your wife's needs, but have you and she considered, instead of renting a whole extra apartment for her, perhaps having the entire family move into a new apartment with one more bedroom that she gets to spend time alone in? Perhaps that might be cheaper?

to @Mona Pereth :

Yes, I did recommend that. I suggested that we rent a house where everyone would have enough room. She didn't say no. But in today's market it's a project to find a suitable house which would also be appropriately priced. But right now my wife is in a bad shape. Hence I think she wants the "solution" (relief?!) now.

Just the other day when we had a walk she said to me that she feels "miserable but knows she shouldn't be".

Well, yeah. As I see things, she really shouldn't be.

Sure, as every family, we have our own challenges. But, she has two loving sons, a loving, supporting, responsible, hard working and loyal husband. My wife has a great job, supporting & understanding boss, stimulating and friendly working environment, high salary(!), company car. We go on vacations & trips (we just came from a 2-week trip to Asia), we have a circle of very good, honest and reliable friends. Most of the family chores (grocery shopping, vacuuming, dusting, getting the whole place in order, maintenance,........) are done by our two sons or/and myself (we have a division of chores so everyone knows what's their job), once a week we have a cleaning lady who does the ironing an folding as well as deep cleaning in the house. I do 99% of the stuff related to the younger son's school (as an Aspie there's quite some interaction with the school as well as support and help needed from my side), I take the kids to the doctors when needed, I take care of the family finances and last but not least, I run my business from our home office. My wife does the cooking (she's an excellent cook) and putting laundry to washing machine.

And yet she feels miserable.

I'm not sure if my wife is aware that a separation (even a temporary one) can't make the anxiety, periods of depression, irritability, mysterious inflammations go away. This is part of her and she will just have to accept this (as well as all others around her). I also think that at this stage only antidepressants could help somewhat mitigate some of the symptoms that generate the feelings of dread.

God knows what will happen next.

Kind regards, Mark

From what Mark P has said his wife has made it pretty clear she wants her own place. That is a major red flag.

Does your wife see a therapist? If not she should. But also if not, why not?

Currently, she's not seeing any therapist. Back in 2019 we were seeing one together. It did help a bit.
Then she booked another therapist just for herself last year. After 2-3 sessions she dropped out.
Truth to be told, whre we live, therapists who have good experience with (autism related) negative effects of anxiety and depression are rare.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) like Prozac or Zoloft can help against anxiety and depression. Combined with cognitive behaviour therapy, it can make a difference.

That being said, this is kind of a delicate issue. As soon as I recommend something like that, my wife goes into a defence.

Last edited by MarkP on 01 Mar 2023, 11:08 am, edited 3 times in total.

Actually, my wife isn't negative towards an idea for all of us to rent a bigger house. But I also think that she wants a quick "solution". Which finding a suitable house is not.