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Joe90
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03 Feb 2023, 7:35 am

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-s ... egulation/

I haven't really seen this discussed here but it's very common in those with ADHD. I've never even heard of it until very recently, via an ADHD Facebook support group I belong to.
And it describes me SO MUCH that it feels like it has answered every social problem I've ever had in my entire life.

Here's some of the symptoms and how they apply to me:-

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Sudden emotional outbursts following real or perceived criticism or rejection

This has always been the main trigger of my meltdowns.

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Withdrawal from social situations

Although I enjoy socialising with friends, family and colleagues, I often shy away from parties where there may be a lot of people my age or younger that I don't know. But I can still be cheery and friendly in these situations even though I don't drink.

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Negative self-talk and thoughts of self-harm

Yes I do resent myself because of all the embarrassing things I've ever done that make me feel shameful.

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Avoidance of social settings in which they might fail or be criticized (for this reason, RSD is often hard to distinguish from Social Anxiety Disorder)

This is why I avoid going out to bars and clubs, because I get extremely self-conscious, thinking I'm not wearing the right clothes or other people are going to sense my awkwardness and make fun of me. Bars and clubs do tend to attract judgemental and even immature young people, and it makes it even more daunting when you're teetotal and fully aware of yourself and everyone around you.

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Low self-esteem and poor self-perception

I do have very low self-esteem.
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Constant harsh and negative self-talk that leads them to become “their own worst enemy”

Yes this is me.

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Rumination and perseveration

I do spend so much of my life ruminating, trying to find answers of social "mysteries", like why a friend has randomly unfriended me on Facebook but not anyone else, or something like that.

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Relationship problems, especially feeling constantly attacked and responding defensively

I don't seem to have problems in my relationship with my partner but I do have this at work and online.

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What Does Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Feel Like?
The excruciating pain of RSD is often beyond description. Patients describe the intensity of RSD as “awful,” “terrible,” “catastrophic,” or “devastating,” but they cannot verbalize the quality of the emotional experience.


This is me in a nutshell.

Also
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This intense pain is often experienced as a physical “wound;” the patient feels as if they were stabbed or punched in the chest. Commonly, people will hunch over, grimace, and clutch their chests when they describe their RSD experience.

Yes, I feel this pain physically when I feel like I'm rejected, misunderstood or accused of something bad. I go into depression mode and feel threatened by my social failures.


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No one likes to be rejected, criticized, or to be seen as a failure. It is unpleasant, so people avoid those situations if they can. RSD is distinguished by its extreme, unbearable intensity, which sets it apart from normal emotional responses familiar to people who are neurotypical.

Yes, part of it is being a normal human, but for me it's intense and big.

Here's a very clear example of RSD:-

When I was at college I remember I fell ill and the teacher sent me home, but one of the other girls claimed she didn't feel well either but the teacher wouldn't let her go home (she wasn't as ill as me), and from that day onwards she had a chip on her shoulder about me and didn't like me any more. It made me feel awkward whenever I was in class with her (it was only a small class with lots of discussion exercises so I had no choice but to talk to her, and the hostility got too much to bear). Then when more girls joined the group she started making trouble for me and it turned into bullying. I had such bad panic attacks, that I had to stay off college for a while and the teacher had to send some work in the mail for me to do at home.
It sort of blew over when I returned, thank God, because the bitchy girl had moved to another course and the other girls got bored of bullying. So I settled back in and felt happy again.
I didn't know it at the time but that was RSD I was suffering with. It just explains everything.


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Dengashinobi
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03 Feb 2023, 7:49 am

It reminds of Boderline Personality Disorder. The main driving force in Borderline personality disorder is extreme fear of rejection. Also feeling constantly under attack and therefore being defensive is also a prominent feature of BPD.



Joe90
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04 Feb 2023, 8:02 pm

I have read it is a symptom of ADHD.

I'm surprised this thread hasn't got more replies. Or is it less common in autism than it is in ADHD?

RSD usually comes from being social as a person, so maybe that's why many autistics can't relate to it.

I've just never had something that describes me so much. Why didn't anyone tell me about this before, or is it a newly discovered thing?


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Edna3362
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04 Feb 2023, 9:27 pm

To me, this is more of an emotional stage or phase than a symptom of a particular condition.

Somewhat, I believe it's a stage where the person receives positive feedbacks ended up being ineffective, with negative feedbacks would affect them badly.

It doesn't necessarily specifically about social rejection, but more like 'disqualification' of whatever standards and expectations.

This would typically affect certain people with intellectual giftedness or anyone with EQ and IQ imbalance that doesn't go below average thresholds, or anyone with at least normal intelligence and emotional or social awareness but doesn't match their behaviors or performance -- which is definitely in cases with ADHD.
Maybe in specific personality types that are either really social and emotional as well.

This doesn't affect people who has either a maintained well balanced experience, people who do develop forms of alexithymia -- which is somewhat common in autism, or anyone with low enough EQ, SQ or/and IQ -- whichever is the combination of the two.

Then there's people with different priorities -- where one is praised for things they don't like.



I can relate.
But not for the same reasons you do.

And, it's one of my egodystonic traits. To me, this is just a program of my upbringing that I would want to overcome -- an unconscious and unwanted trait than a trait of autism or a trait of "me".

RSD is largely subjective. And it is very emotional in nature.
It requires people with enough emotional comprehension to understand, let alone discuss.

It's not a particularly new thing to me.
I read anything related to being emotional solely to 'solve' them myself than 'validate' it.

And it's not a newly discovered thing at all. Just not well discussed around this time in this forum.


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Last edited by Edna3362 on 04 Feb 2023, 9:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.

auntblabby
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04 Feb 2023, 9:33 pm

in my youth i had these issues.



renaeden
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04 Feb 2023, 10:48 pm

auntblabby wrote:
in my youth i had these issues.

So did I, especially about school and the people there. I was hyper sensitive if people didn't like me or rejected me. Even teachers. Crying was something I was very good at and I was often called a crybaby which made things worse.

It wasn't until my 30s that I started not caring what people thought of me and I'm glad that happened.



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04 Feb 2023, 10:56 pm

Think this is frequently comorbid. Sucks because it makes you desire very empathetic people who are hard to find. Best way to not ruminate over a rejection is to cut ties completely ASAP. Life hurts, but you don't have to have your life hurt with it.



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05 Feb 2023, 12:47 am

as long as i remember that humans have feet of clay [figure of speech] then i'm mostly alright. it is not as though the angel gabriel himself alit on my doorstep and told me i sucked, it was just another imperfect and fallibly flawed human being who is a major sense is absolutely no better than me other than in their self-delusion that they are.



Joe90
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05 Feb 2023, 4:23 pm

Well I know I have all of the following:-

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frequently or obsessively thinking about negative experiences, especially experiences of perceived or actual rejection

I do ruminate or obsess over negative social experiences and get anxiety, depression or rage, depending on what the situation was.

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perceiving rejection when it is not actually occurring

I am very sensitive to people's moods and emotions, and sometimes I worry in case I might get the blame for whatever it is that is making them feel upset, or it might somehow be my fault. I've been very falsely accused of doing things in the past that led to very humiliating results, so now I have a fear mixed with a sort of PTSD of being blamed for something I haven't done. I get frustrated that people don't express themselves enough, so when they're quiet and miserable I get uncomfortable and anxious.

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viewing small rejections as catastrophic

Yes, sometimes it has made me think suicidal thoughts. I think it's what you call ''autophobia'' I think, where a person is frightened of being alone (as in friendless). Feeling accepted and included is important to me and it's easy for other Aspies to advise me to isolate myself from other humans and not care, because I do care. I'm a social being, and a desire for social interaction is a healthy part of being a human.

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a chronic fear of rejection

In my eyes, there are a few phrases that I'm scared of hearing because it resembles social rejection (depending on how it is said, of course. In some contexts these words don't mean social rejection, but I'm talking about when they do).
''Stop following me'' and ''do you want something?'' are two examples of social rejection if said in a certain way.

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misperceiving constructive criticism, requests for more information, or neutral feedback as rejection

Some criticism I can handle and even enjoy. Other criticism I can't handle and feel insulted. Like when my boyfriend tells me how disorganised I am, and even gives examples or does an impression of me, I find it hilarious, because it's so true. But when people are running you down, telling you that you should do what they do instead of respecting your values, that's when I find it upsetting. I remember when I was 14 my cousin used to keep getting on at me about my ways, like always bringing my age into it like ''you're 14 now, you should be doing this, not that'', and it started really triggering me and I got upset.
I also don't like being told what to do, I hate rules and I find I work a lot better when I can just rely on my own common sense rather than be ordered by others about things I know already.

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perfectionism or people-pleasing tendencies

Although many people here won't believe this and call me a liar, I am actually a people-pleaser. If you met me in real life you'd know what I mean. I am not the same Joe90 as I am on WP. I'm forever telling people what they want to hear, and even if someone has been a jerk to me they've only got to smile at me and they're forgiven by me. Also I'm quite easily manipulated, not because I'm gullible or unaware, but because I'm just giving them what they want, to keep the peace. Sometimes I feel like it's easier to be friends with the wrong people than it is to have nobody at all.
Also I have made myself be a perfectionist at work because it helps people approve me socially. Usually I hear people at work badmouthing people who aren't good workers, and they lose respect for them. But when I'm praised up and thought of as a good worker, it makes me feel better about myself. I don't like being looked upon in a negative light (even though I look upon myself in a negative light).


Do you have these too?


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IsabellaLinton
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05 Feb 2023, 4:30 pm

They all sound like social anxiety, ADHD, and ASD combined.

ASD ruminates and feels "other than" / different, social anxiety can cause people to feel judged, ADHD makes it all happen at warp speed and intensity. I could add trauma flashbacks to the mix too. The fear of rejection could be an emotional flashback.

I'm no psychologist though.



Joe90
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05 Feb 2023, 4:47 pm

Quote:
The fear of rejection could be an emotional flashback.


Well I did have this girl at school who was a huge rejecter to just me. I believe she was a narcissist though. She wasn't popular or really that liked, but she knew how to be quite dominant and make the other girls in the group afraid of her, even though she was not in the least bit threatening. I wasn't even scared of her or anything, she wasn't the ''meet me behind the bike shed and give me 50p or I'll beat you up'' kind of bully. It was more emotional and subtle than that.

When we were little she was my best friend, even though she enjoyed pinching my butt hard and giggling (she did it to other children too, I think it was an impulsive thing she didn't realise how much it hurt your butt). She grew out of that by age 8, and was still good friends with me and invited me to her birthday parties every year. Then when we got to about 10, she started to turn into a bully. She'd pick me as her partner in dance class just so she could squeeze my hand very painfully (and she knew what she was doing then). Then when we went up to high school she suddenly hated me but covered it up by being very kind to all the other girls in the group. She manipulated some of them into being mean to me too but then whenever she was absent from school I was suddenly more accepted into the group.
She did her best to exclude me from the group, often telling me to go away when I wanted to join in (like if they were looking at a magazine and I wanted to look too, or if they were playing card games or anything that wasn't actually private). When anyone else in the class joined in she'd welcome them, but she only treated me differently. So it was personal.
Then whenever I stood up for myself (because, like I said, I wasn't scared of her), she'd run to the teacher crying and telling them that I was the bully. Then when my brother and his friends confronted her for being mean to me, she made sure I was guilty for ''ruining her summer'' after that, never mind that she was ruining my entire high school life. It was like she was always ashamed of me and when we were teenagers I had to make sure I didn't go too near her otherwise she'd freak out and treat it as a social death to be seen near me.* It didn't help that she was in all my classes, until I got to 15, then the classes got more mixed and I managed to escape her clutches and make different friends, and I hardly saw her any more. But the new friends I made had their own issues too, although I won't go into that otherwise this post would go on forever.

*This brings a memory to mind when I was about 12, in a PE class. We were playing this weird team game in the gymnasium that I didn't quite know what the rules were but part of the game was two people had to hold hands and run from one side of the gymnasium to the other before the people in the middle could get the ball to home without it touching the ground or something, I don't know. But anyway I ended up having to run with that girl, holding her hand. She didn't squeeze my hand that time but I could feel her shame of having to hold hands with ME in front of like 100 children, and I could feel her shame so badly that I actually felt sorry for her!

So having a kid like that pushing me down and knocking my confidence and self-esteem is probably part of the reason why I fear rejection now. And it wasn't just because of her, I've been rejected by other girls too, in adolescence and adulthood. And I always find social rejection so humiliating.


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Last edited by Joe90 on 05 Feb 2023, 4:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

IsabellaLinton
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05 Feb 2023, 4:54 pm

I'm just not clear on how "rejection sensitivity" differs from "emotional flashbacks" from trauma, especially in situations where the flashbacks are about rejection.

It seems kind of redundant, but maybe that label RSD is more for people who only have RSD and not ADHD, ASD, or Social Anxiety / Trauma.



Joe90
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05 Feb 2023, 4:57 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I'm just not clear on how "rejection sensitivity" differs from "emotional flashbacks" from trauma, especially in situations where the flashbacks are about rejection.

It seems kind of redundant, but maybe that label RSD is more for people who only have RSD and not ADHD, ASD, or Social Anxiety / Trauma.


If you look RSD up on Google 9 times out of 10 it will mention ADHD too.


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05 Feb 2023, 4:58 pm

Right. I'm not doubting the phenomenon exists. I just don't know why it needs a separate name unless that's the only condition the person has.