struggling

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Hello,
43 is coming up. I have been out of work the past almost 4 years. No real qualifications and struggling with work. Mostly to do with socialising. I am afraid. That is a major part of everything. I have been in fear my whole life. Now I realise I have wasted my life. My mum told me that the other day as her way of being nasty to me. My mum is manipulative. I have not found independence and neither emotionally matured. I had a fight a while ago, road rage. It got stopped. No real damage. But doing it has made me want to do a little more. I think that will build some strength. I look like a large child, I have not shown signs of aging physically. This has a stigma attached. People often treat me like I am unable to do things.
I would like to be able to tell people to F off without bad consequences. People talk about a fear that is not real. I fear the telling off/sacking that I may get for doing that. I did it. A guy at work was abusing me for months, I said F off once, not shouting at him, just, F off. He went straight into the managers office to complain. That is the fear. Luckily the manager said, "so, he was defending himself". I thought, "christ he is taking my side, that is fair". But it is the supervisors/managers that dont like me that worry me. I cant keep leaving jobs. But I struggle so much with the harassment.
How do you defend yourself? Please dont tell me that I am better for not defending myself. I want to fight back.
All the best, everyone
Simon

Perhaps what you need is to learn to become more assertive, without "fighting" in ways likely to get you into trouble?

If so, perhaps you might find some of these tutorials on assertiveness to be helpful.