The Grey Rock Method for dealing with narcissistic people

Page 1 of 1 [ 7 posts ] 

stratozyck
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 28 Jun 2022
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 366
Location: US

05 Feb 2023, 11:24 pm

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articl ... what-is-it

I have used this method in my personal and professional life. I had training from growing up with a father with severe narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I do not talk to him anymore. If you are ASD, you are especially prone to NPD people in your friendships and romantic relationships.

We all have narcissistic tendencies but sometimes you come across people who have these take over their lives. They are always charming when they need you but will turn on you the moment you disappoint them. They can never admit they are wrong and react like a toddler if you try to prove that something they said is wrong or you disagree with them.

The optimal choice with anyone with NPD is to not have them in your life. It's harsh, but this is true even if it's a family member. There are two general types of NPD - low self esteem and high self esteem. The low self esteem types have serious insecurities and try to prop up their esteem by trashing other people. The high self esteem types really do believe they are amazing. Both types will lash out at anyone that challenges their ego. My father is the low self esteem type and he dumps on people to make himself feel better. He has to continually prove that others are stupid and he is smart.

When you come across an NPD in the workplace, it can be a special kind of hell, especially if its your boss. I have come across four NPD people in my professional career. Two were coworkers. One of the coworkers - I was so afraid he would poison my coffee that I used to lock away my coffee mug when I was not using it.

One was a boss and that was awful. He was the high self esteem type that actually thought he was the smartest person to ever work in the field. I could not leave easily at that time and I ended up working for him for nearly 4 years. With the grey rock method, it became manageable. I would say that if you master it, and the situation is right, working for an NPD boss can be tolerable. Ideally, you need another coworker to be their target.

To give you an idea what I was dealing with, I work in a "data science" (I hate that term) and so access to data is a big deal. Prior to me starting, the company changed its data access policies so that managers had to request access for their subordinates. Before then, a subordinate could do it and it would only be sent to the manager for approval. They apparently had an incident so they changed it so it was managers who requested it.

This guy would not request access to the data I needed to do my job. He kept insisting I could do it myself. He kept telling me to call IT and that they would help me. They kept telling me "your manager needs to do it, here is the link." He wouldn't do it. I kept talking to him and telling him that he needed to do it. I sent the link. But he could not admit he was wrong, ever.

I went to his boss and his boss wouldn't make him do it. It occurred to me around that time that this company had weak management culture. I ended up having to ask coworkers to copy data into my folders for me. I did that until the company sold off to a larger one. The best day of my life was when I found out my manager got laid off.

I would add to the grey rock method and say that a further image is to be a river trying to get to an ocean. The ocean is your happiness. NPD people are like barriers in the river. Instead of trying to plow through them, you should go around. There is no sense in trying to go through them. They feed off of the interaction. If you go around them, they cannot feed their ego. They will put their ego above all else.

They do not teach this method in college, but they should. You should expect over a normal career to come into professional contact with multiple NPD people. In my current job, the NPD person is in another department but we occasionally have to interact. He is insufferable and behind his back, everyone makes fun of him. Another department manager that has to deal with him told me that multiple people on their staff have left in part due to having to deal with him. Don't let it get to that if otherwise the job is good. Use the grey rock method and keep your sanity.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,609
Location: the island of defective toy santas

06 Feb 2023, 12:18 am

i treat them as primates.



TimS1980
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 20 Jan 2018
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 194
Location: Melbourne, Australia

06 Feb 2023, 1:05 am

I used to be naive, but this is a real and serious issue. Other PDs like borderline personality disorder also.

I got a crash course recently :(

Thank you for talking about this, OP.

Everyone else, it's in your interest to pay attention. Anecdotally, I believe narcissists have a high affinity for targeting autistics.



klanka
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Mar 2022
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,888
Location: Cardiff, Wales

06 Feb 2023, 6:25 am

Quote:
Another department manager that has to deal with him told me that multiple people on their staff have left in part due to having to deal with him


Why is it that people with NPD never get fired, but people with ASD get fired all the time?

Yes I have to agree that grey rock is the best. It seems to de-escalate everything so it doesnt turn into a shouting match. They can get bored and leave you alone altogether then, if you're lucky.



stratozyck
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 28 Jun 2022
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 366
Location: US

06 Feb 2023, 6:53 pm

klanka wrote:
Quote:
Another department manager that has to deal with him told me that multiple people on their staff have left in part due to having to deal with him


Why is it that people with NPD never get fired, but people with ASD get fired all the time?

Yes I have to agree that grey rock is the best. It seems to de-escalate everything so it doesnt turn into a shouting match. They can get bored and leave you alone altogether then, if you're lucky.


In my observation NPD people are extremely adept at kissing up and punching down. They are great at selling themselves to higher ups as the solution to the problems that they claim the alternatives are creating.

In my last job, it was regulatory related. Our regulator even specifically called him out for lack of due diligence yet it didn't change their image of him at all.



stratozyck
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 28 Jun 2022
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 366
Location: US

06 Feb 2023, 7:00 pm

TimS1980 wrote:
I used to be naive, but this is a real and serious issue. Other PDs like borderline personality disorder also.

I got a crash course recently :(

Thank you for talking about this, OP.

Everyone else, it's in your interest to pay attention. Anecdotally, I believe narcissists have a high affinity for targeting autistics.


Definitely agree about ASD people being easy targets.

In my life, I can say that my 100% of my male best friends have been narcissists. One of my former best friends from high school even tried to run for congress as a right wing religious person - yet when I knew he him he was sleeping around with anyone that was willing - male AND female. In high school, he instinctively cheated on every test he could.

Same with my college best friend, dude was the same type. In graduate school, I met the ultimate narcissist. This dude was from Italy and he decided he wanted to move to America. So he just bought a ticket here and picked up the first woman he saw - he literally met her at the airport. He picked her out because he sensed her vulnerabilities and promised he wanted kids (she was getting to that age and was desperate).

He cheated on her repeatedly and used me as a cover to her (I realized it and stopped being friends with him). He kept telling her "next year" on kids and last I checked they were divorced and its sad because now its too late for her.

The funny thing is I've somewhat accepted it and my wife is high on narcissism. She's not full on disorder, but she has a very healthy dose of ego. When I look at how we got engaged, it kindof makes me shake my head a little bit. I got a good job and she decided she wanted to quit hers to start her own consulting company. We got engaged like two months after I got that job.

She's a good mom and wife so I can't complain, but yeah I've accepted that I am attracted to narcissistic traits so if it wasn't her, it would be someone else. I think the trick is to pick one that defines their ego on something that is in line with what you want. For my wife, her ego is centered around being a Catholic working mom. She wouldn't cheat and we both wanted kids so it works.

I dated a girl once that literally kissed another dude when I went to the bathroom.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,609
Location: the island of defective toy santas

06 Feb 2023, 7:05 pm

plenty of sociopaths out there, far more than what dr. hare thought there'd be.