The friend dilemma

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I think some people may be mistaking people who tell them what they want to hear for "friends".

If you surround yourself only with people who tell you things convenient for you to hear, vilifying any bearers of inconvenient truths, you successfully warp the reality around yourself.

It happened to someone I know. You don't have to be an isolated dictator to be that way.

So here comes the question, should true friends be the bearers of hard truths?

I would want my friends to be honest with me about stuff even if it wasnt comfortable or convenient if it would benefit me.

I agree - many people seem to think anyone who is "nice" is their friend, and anyone who is "mean" is an enemy, based entirely on whether they like what was said. If it makes them feel good, friend. If it makes them feel bad, enemy.

I have known people like this as well. Anyone who called them out on their bad behavior was labeled "toxic" and exiled from their little group, so they could go back to telling each other that their own bad choices weren't their fault. One friend kept getting bad grades in school, because "they never had time to study". When I pointed out that maybe they'd "have more time to study" if they weren't staying out getting drunk all night with friends 5 times a week, I was the bad-guy for "implying that they're not allowed to have fun". I was also treated like I was unreasonable for not doing their homework for them. They hated being called lazy or irresponsible, but they really kinda were...

I think someone who lets you make mistakes just so they can "be supportive" or not make you upset isn't exactly a great friend IMO. That's not to say they should constantly criticize your every action - but sometimes we need to hear things that we may not realize, or want to hear - better it come from a trusted source than a stranger. And who better to know than someone who actually knows you. Telling someone what they want to hear may make them happy, but it's not really doing them any actual good, either.

I personally find it easier to listen to "hard truths" from people whose worldviews are basically similar to my own than from people who seem to live in a completely different universe.

But, yes, I need my friends to be assertive with me, and to let me know (preferably in a non-aggressive way) when I do something that offends them or is counterproductive.

The problem with the honest/hard truth is that when someone tells you the truth - it is only their truth.
You would think that "the truth" is some unmutable fact but it isnt. Many people disagrees on what the truth is.

Even when someone says, "you are really annoying." I realize that statement is the truth to them. This is especially difficult for those whose close family, lovers, or friends ask them to be something that they can never hope to be. Talk differently, act differently, be more this or that.

What bothers people about me is just me. I have tried my entire life to be like them but can never seem to pull it off.
So, ya, I dont need to hear the truth so much any more. I'll settle for kindness.

Be careful what you ask for.

this is a good point.
I think a lot of people have misunderstanding and unrealistic expectations in their desire for friendship.

They ask too much in their idea of friendship, expecting much more than many people can give, of the people they interact with, being demanding, needy, intrusive, jealous, etc. and that puts a load of pressure on even the most caring and well- intentioned others. We can learn about healthy relationships and how we can change our expectations and the ways we interact with others. Many of us have grown up in unhealthy families or situations and had to invent our own way of doing things, see things very differently than others, etc. I got therapy to learn to have healthy self assertive behavior and how to say NO, the therapist was able to point out that I had many choices in my response to others besides the one I was trained to as a child and a young adult. I learned there were healthier ways to communicate and to "do life" counseling/therapy saved my life and my sanity. It helped me learn how to have healthy friendships and relationships. If I could do it, I think anybody can.

"You are really annoying" is not helpful constructive criticism. It is too vague, and it targets a person rather than a specific behavior of the person.

More helpful would be something like: "Could you please stop doing X when I'm around, because X is very annoying to me?"

Very true Mona. I was using a vague example. The problem is that even when someone is more specific it is still not possible to comply.....could you please stop being so naive, could you please notice when people are frustrated by your behavior, could you please not be so anxious around groups of people, could you please not make so many social mistakes......and nope.

A real friend will tell you the truth but they would probably do it with tact because there is a level of trust. However, there are fake friends who not only tell you what you want to hear but they will also tell you the truth because they want to hurt your feelings.

Even that is too vague.

To "stop being so naive," a person needs to learn about a variety of specific dangers and specific ways to avoid or mitigate those dangers. And these need to be learned one at a time. There's no way to suddenly learn them all at once.


Again, too vague and general. To "notice when people are frustrated by your behavior," a person needs to learn to recognize specific signs of frustration, and may also need to find ways to work around whatever attention issues they may have that have made it difficult to notice these specific signs in the first place.


Again, too vague and general to be constructive.

"Social mistakes" can only be dealt with one at a time.

And, obviously, a person who is aware of being prone to "make so many social mistakes" will naturally also be "anxious around groups of people."

See my collection of links to various tutorials on giving and receiving constructive criticism.

Speaking of "Friends" telling you what you want to hear, we have to consider that you have people who will tell you want to hear because they are manipulative because they want to find out what they can get out of you. They also want to know how much of a pushover you really are.

For example, they may tell you that you mean the world to them while learning that you want to go on a cruise. Well, they tell you that they have a trip planned for your birthday. However, those plans fall through because something came up at the last minute that puts a financial burden on them. So they promise they will make it up to you. However, what they are really doing is hoping you will give them supply.

For example, I had a friend who lied to me about having a wedding and would make me the maid of honor which was supposed to take place a month and a half after she got back from being on duty in Iraq. She also said she was going to set me up with one of her guy friends at this said wedding. However, she planned on getting married at the justice of the peace and the guy who was going to set me up with met someone else. She then tried to cover up her tracks by telling me that she and her husband wanted to get the papers signed and move in together. However, she said they were planning to re-new her vows in the future and I could be her maid of honor then.

I like friends who want to help and are honest but are nice about it at the same time. I think it's all down to tone and reading between the lines, which I'm better at recognising offline than I am online.

I understand what you’re saying, I appreciate your optimism.
The point I am making does not require an exact representation of events.
My meaning is simply that I cannot achieve this the level of social awareness that the world requires of us to be considered and accepted as one of them.
I have read and researched and listened and watched.
I’ve spent my life trying to learn, as I’ve said. I’m tired and I’m done.
This is as good as it’s gonna get.

I am mostly content with my lot in life.

I was never a professional, perhaps because of my disability. Perhaps because of my laziness. Probably both.

I was never successful socially. I can’t have a conversation with a group of people who are “in it for themselves.” I’ll “lose” automatically. People must be non-competitive in order for me to have any credence within a group. I must be competitive in order to have credence within a group.

I echo Beady. It’s “as good as it gets” with me, too. Even though, objectively, I’m in an inferior position to most, though I’m fortunate in some ways.

However, I do understand the desire to better my immediate circumstances, though I, myself, don’t work very hard at it.

First, OP, are you okay? I haven't noticed you posting in the last few days, though in all fairness, I have been a bit preoccupied with pesky life matters that have been interfering with my downtime. Pesky life. I shake a fist at it. Sorry if you've been posting and I'm mistaken. Mistakes are kinda my thing. I was told to get a hobby once...

Anyway, there's something to be said for someone who can tell you what you need to hear in a way that will resonate with you. I think a crappy friend will either lie to you and tell you what you want to hear or just throw the truth at you in a way that ends up being hurtful to you. I think a good friend will know you well enough to be able to speak the truth to you in a way that will resonate with you and take your thoughts and feelings into consideration. Balance. Not an easy thing to do between two people. The ones who can do that with you, keep 'em. They're worth it. My two cents.

I think what makes things even harder is that most autistics wants friends so bad. So when a fake friend comes along, we want to make it work with the other person.

It only gets upsetting when these “Nice” people

A. Make it sound like they are our friends but their actions speak louder than words.
B. They start using brutal honesty and then ask us why we are so upset with them.

I think fake friends find us because they think that we are clueless autistics who are “Yes” people who will be push overs.

When in reality, we are too honest for our own good. When we demonstrate that, they don’t know what to do with us.