I feel scared

Post Reply New Topic

I got back with my ex. I thought he was being romantic when he said he was obsessed with me. He is actually obsessed with me. Like he wants us to get married. Neither of us is ready for it. Its getting intense. He wants to have kids. I have said I do not want kids because it is a lot responsibility and I have a hard time even caring for myself.

I do not understand what is going on. He was the one who broke up with me. Now he is extremely in love with me. Im not ready for this seriousness. He pays attention to everything I do. He told me we were meant for eachother. Im just not sure. Our interactions do not match with what he wants. We are not as similar as he thinks. Also we havent really dated other people. Also its just really confusing. Like I love him but something is off with his view of me. Like I even broke up with him and he said we needed to work it out and that I was just pushing him away. I got back with him. But its the same and he broke up with me and wouldnt let me try to get him back.

Also anytime i mention that he says he has learned from it. I just feel like it is really hard to communicate with him.

That's a difficult one cos love is similar to obsession.
The love song lyrics say things like 'cant get you off my mind' cos that's how it is, almost indistinguishable from obsession.

How long have you known each other?

We have known eachother for 4 years. Each of our relationships lasted about a month or two as well.

Each of your relationships... So that means you had relationships with other people?

To me, he sounds like he’s too obsessive.

I don’t like obsession-based relationships. They’re too much for me.

No one should tell their partner "We were meant for each other". Imo that's a feeling which should be so obvious to both people it can remain unspoken, or else each person decides and believes it for themselves. It's not supposed to be a news flash, a true / false paradigm, or a coercion tactic, especially after you expressed a desire to break up in the past.

You said yourself in this post that you don't think your interactions match, you aren't very similar, and something in the dynamic makes you confused and uncertain. It seems the only reason you're thinking about him is that he's telling you what to think. I know from your previous posts you have difficulty with self-care, decision making, and independence. From what you've said you are in no position to have children or be in a serious relationship.

This dude sounds like he's love-bombing you. That's dangerous because it can mess with your ability to think clearly or think for yourself. Trust your gut that this isn't right imo. It seems to me he's wanting some sex and possibly a pregnancy so you'll be dependent on him in the future. It all seems really unhealthy and manipulative. We all want someone to love us and say romantic things but when your interactions and your own feelings don't gel with what he says, or you feel "scared" and pressured, it's not true romance.

My advice would be a big fat "Adios" to this person. He doesn't even sound like a friend.

Sorry for being blunt but I think you know this too.

I don't think love and obsession are similar. If someone was obsessed with me I'd be terrified. There's a difference between thinking about someone a lot and being unable to think about anything else. When I've been in love I know it because I feel more engaged with the whole world and not just the person. Love brings out the best in me so that I have energy and interest enough for books, music, art (or whatever), and I find talents in myself that might otherwise be shut down. When I engage in those interests it's not because I'm thinking of the person or wanting to impress them. It's because I feel good about myself, usually based on the good feelings which I've been experiencing overall. The other person doesn't tell me which feelings to have or how to live them.

Obsession sounds like something 14 year-olds and narcissists do. Sure, have an infatuation stage where you want to learn about the person but beyond that we should all be cautious if our minds start to feel obsessed. For one thing, none of us as humans are that miraculous or different from others that we'd be worthy of obsession or adulation from anyone, for any reason.

Sometimes the absence will make a guy realize who he really likes? Just saying this because it happens.

I have those same feelings that you talk about where everything seems better.

What if the person in question one day said that they refused to talk to you. You'd still be thinking of them often, still able to think about other things, but couldn't talk to them.
Have you been in that situation?

More times than you'd know.
It happens with female friends, male friends, colleagues, family members, and even partners.

I'm autistic so yeah, I ruminate and wonder wtf I did.
I'm always the common denominator so I'm sure it's something to do with my poor communication.

I allow myself to grieve the relationship and beat myself up for a little while but life doesn't stop.
I have a lot of other responsibilities to myself and others, so I have to stay in motion and move on.

Blaming either party, stalking them, or losing sleep does more harm than good.
If you don't want that negative energy in your life, it's best to forgive yourself and the other person.
Forgiving the other person can be an actual apology, or just letting go of resentment in your own mind.

People who are worth loving will either stay with us, or come back with humility after misunderstandings.

It doesn't matter who he really likes since she doesn't like him.
She broke up with him before.

He can like her all he wants.
Maybe he's even sincere.
That doesn't change the fact she's not happy with him, and she feels scared.

Hmm yeah I think you're right actually.

She agreed to get back together with him for some reason thou & I would like to know what the reason is before advising a brake up, especially if she might change her mind & agree to get back together with him again. I def would NOT advise that they get married & have kids rite now but I do think it may be good for the two of them to have a conversation about her fears & not worry about possibly having kids rite now. I have read some of her other posts & she kinda remindes me of my current gf in some ways. Cass has problems with independence, self-care, & decision making but to be fair I do as well. She's kinda unstable sometimes & sometimes feels she shouldn't be in a relationship with me or anyone but other times she says she was meant for me. I'm kinda obsessed with her & at times she's kinda obsessed with me. Both of us have times when we consider ending our relationship but we both know we'd both be lost without the other so we're both committed to trying to make our relationship work. If Cass did decide to end our relationship, she knows she would feel bad & regret it rite after. Part of the reason she feels insecure with our relationship is because of her own various issues. I'm not sure if that's the case for the OP or not.

This may be a fundamental incompatibility, depending on how badly he wants kids.


"Pays attention" in what ways?

Does his attention manifest in specific ways that are objectionable? For example, is he jealous toward your friends, even women friends?


Are you currently together with him? Why did you agree to get back together?

What do you like about him? And what do you dislike about him, besides the issues you brought up here so far?

Mona Pereth asked some good questions. I'll ask some too along with some thoughts.

So you say you feel scared, but that could mean one of 2 things:
-You're scared that you're in a situation but don't know what to do but you think you have to do something.
-You're physically scared either of sexual assault or other physical harm.

If it's the 2nd thing, then yes you should stop communicating with this guy. If it's the first thing, then forget about making any other decision other than to keep seeing him depending on how much you want to.

More questions:
Do you like him? Do you like how he looks? Are you physically attracted to him?
Does being with him sometimes make you happy? (It's probably impossible that being with somebody will make you happy all the time but if it makes you happy at least some of the time then you should keep seeing him). Anything that makes you happy, other than recreational drugs, is good for you, even though drugs can make you temporarily happy but are usually not good for you.

In my case, I still don't know exactly what it means to be "in love" despite over 35 years of marriage. When he says he's obsessed, he might just be saying he really really likes you and doesn't want you to reject him, which doesn't make him a creep unless you've already make it clear you don't want any more contact with him. It doesn't necessarily mean he's dangerously obsessed unless there's other evidence for that. It could be that he just can't express his feelings any better. Can you express your feelings that well?

How independent are you and he? Are you free to meet up on your own, without a family member (either yours or his) getting involved? This makes a major difference in what sort of relationship you can have and it would help if you could tell us (none of us is in a position to know unless you tell us).

Anyway nobody can force you to marry him. If he says he wants to marry you just play along. It probably just means he wants to be with you and you should take it as a compliment, unless like I said you really don't like to be with him and then I guess you'll have to tell him. Otherwise I think having someone in your life, even if the situation isn't perfect, is better than being alone, unless there's some reason to think being with that person is actually WORSE than being alone.

Hypothetically, what if it is the 2nd worry but the person worrying would have that worry about most any potential relationship partner? IDK if that's the case for the OP or not but some members on WP do worry like that due to PTSD & anxiety problems & such. They don't usually post in this section thou due to avoidence of romantic relationships.

BTW your other questions & thoughts are really good.