Constant Embarrasment and Guilt

Post Reply New Topic

I get super self-conscious when asked anything personal (can be something super surface level). It’s to the point where I lie about myself to seem uninteresting, and I hate lying! Growing up it felt like my personality halted whatever flow of conversation present and I would interpret people’s words differently (not necessarily interpreting things literally, like the common autism symptom, just…differently), making for some really awkward and alienating situations. Because of that I’m embarrassed to be myself. I don’t have any friends or (consistent) outlets either, nor did I ever really, so I’ve always been alone in these thoughts.

But it’s not just embarrassment, it’s guilt too. Being true to myself leaves a deep feeling in my chest and makes my hands sweaty. It’s like guilty pleasure but it shouldn’t be a guilty pleasure and instead of pleasure it’s feeling horrible. Even talking about autism makes me kinda anxious.

I’m sure someone can relate to at least part of what I said here and I’m reaching this forum since I’m kind of desperate.

Though posting about it and making an account is a step, I guess.

Growing up with parents who shamed me to manipulate me into behaving as they liked caused me to internalize that shame. Taking on an image of myself as shameful and not worthy. This resulted in me feeling very much like you describe.
I've found that talking about the shame with other humans and in groups, has allowed me to let go of most of it. Shame can't exist in the light. It thrives when it's hidden away in darkness. Once it's shown to another, there is often the realisation that it's actually a fairly common human experience and that others can empathize and understand. It makes me less of an outsider.
Well done for posting here!

I don't have any useful advice, really. I'm responding to say good on you for trying to reach out and be heard.

Not sure if this relates to how you feel, but sometimes I have found that feeling awkward or inadvertently acting awkward makes other people respond by looking puzzled or it just disrupts the flow of conversation, and that can feel very self-conscious, like you've misstepped and all eyes are now on you, and maybe people seem to be looking at you disapprovingly. But it's okay to be awkward and it's okay to not know the right thing to say. Everyone does it sometimes, even people who are socially skilled, some of us just do it more. But it's okay. It's okay to be you. It's okay not to be perfect. It's okay to make mistakes. Sometimes it's hard to accept ourselves and our imperfections, but it's better to try to learn to live with who we are and to appreciate ourselves for who we are.

Yeap, embarrassment and guilt have been two of my most frequent and i tense feelings.

Certainly I'm pestered a lot by a feeling that I'm somehow flawed and could put it right if only I could make some change or other to the way I do things. But I try not to take it too seriously. I've nothing against striving for self-improvement, but I just wish that in my case it was a more positive thing, as in "I'm OK now and in time I can be even better." I think the reason it's so negative in me is upbringing, too much criticism in my formative years.