Resolving conflicts when there are issues with communication

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Almost a year ago now, I posted about my (NT) ex (ASD) wanting to stay friends. Because I have no self-control, I texted him Happy Birthday a couple of weeks later and we've been in contact since then.

A lot has happened in the last 11 months. He had surgery and couldn't go out for a while, he got laid off, he had a bit of a cancer scare, we went on lots of trips, and I was there for him when these all happened. We were pretty much back to how it was before in terms of time spent together (minus overnights). There had been a lot of changes on his end as well -- efforts to get my needs into his schedule/routine, managing his moods, being more flexible, and I can see that he's tried to be more vulnerable by opening up to some topics that he'd normally not talk to me about etc. I know these took work on his end, and it's likely not easy, so I really appreciated that.

(Before somebody yells at me, this was more friendly on my end at the beginning, but after all things that happened, including caring for him when he needed it, my feelings grew)

There was also affection to some extent (or at least that's how I interpreted them). Hugs, foot rubs, back scratches, head scratches.. he didn't like being touched when we were dating and so physical intimacy was difficult, but in the last 11 months he seemed to be more open to it (albeit having hard boundaries on actual physical intimacy). So I really thought we were building something back up there, or at least I thought so, until he had a meltdown about 2 weeks ago. I have seen him have "mini-meltdowns" in private, but this meltdown was him screaming and cursing while we were in a parking garage with a few people around and cars waiting behind.

Long story short, he had a meltdown in public after a chain of events happened which started with me being late (when he was already on edge) and culminated in him hitting the car parked next to us while he was panicking. Right after this incident, he didn't talk to me for hours (some suggesting that he may have even gone non-verbal) except for a few sentences of him blaming me for being late. He didn't talk to me for days after this and he texted me that didn't want to talk about what happened. I didn't bring it up as suggested in another forum. At some point I texted him to ask when I'm seeing him again but he said he's slammed and stressed out so he needs quiet time (but is not angry). So I gave him that space. When he finally started talking to me (after almost a week), we started planning for when we're meeting next, but even after a week of not seeing each other, he still seemed on edge and was easy to get frustrated. I asked him if he could move his Sunday (whatever activity that was) so we could meet that day instead as I can't miss my Saturday plans but he was cagey about it. I asked him what he was doing that day and he was like "I already told you I'm busy and I can't do Sunday". This was never a problem before and something like "I can't make it, it's Superbowl Sunday" for example, was just easy for him to say and that was that. At this point I asked if he was going on a date and that's when he became very defensive and was like "I don't need to tell you my schedule" and "by the way we are allowed to date people, we are friends". That turned into a full blown argument, because I couldn't understand why he's being secretive about it, and when I was trying to explain to him that if he's going out on a date then it shouldn't be an issue if we're really just friends (though it honestly hurts to hear), but then he would shift it to, "I just don't want to have to tell you about my schedule, if I'm seeing friends or family" which was NEVER a problem before.

Up until this "incident" I have said things like I don't really want to keep traveling together if you are dating around, and he would say he's not. However, one incident happens and there's a drastic shift in his behavior and it seems so easy for him to have a way out and push me away. Why is he now all of a sudden very adamant about us being friends? Why is he so defensive about it, and if I'm really a friend, why is he being so defensive and secretive about going on dates?

That was long winded but basically I know the hurt that I'm feeling is mostly on me. In a typical relationship, you communicate with each other to avoid disappointments, and to help resolve conflicts. I would've done that except talks make him very anxious so this whole scenario has been very challenging to navigate. I never brought up the "what are we " talk because I know that these kinds of talks make him very anxious, so I didn't. At the same time, I assumed that we were rebuilding our relationship. I did not talk to him about the meltdown because he asked to not talk about it (and I was told in other forums that this is a sensitive subject, he's likely embarrassed so don't bring it up) but then I didn't realize that he was waiting for an apology. It wasn't until someone in another ND forum explained his likely thought process to me that I understood and then I apologized, but at this point we were already having intense discussions about the dating thing and being friends.

Right now, I don't even know if he's now pushing me away because he blamed me for what happened. He did say "you put me in a mood" at some point and he was likely blaming me for what happened, and meanwhile I was thinking to myself that my lateness doesn't justify him hitting the car. These thoughts festered in our heads (I shouldn't speak for him, but likely the case) for a few days because we didn't talk. This is the same feeling he has about talks about "our relationship". He said "when you pressure me, it actually pushes me away". So what does that mean, do I just not talk to him to prevent anxiety that may drive him to date other people?

I know there are different things going on here, but I am just just trying to piece things together and I cannot talk to my friends about this. I can't figure out which part of this is ASD, which part of this is him playing me and which part of this is him not knowing how to handle relationships/not knowing how relationships work. I never told him this but I love him and I'm willing to work through the challenges, but how can I even do that when I can't communicate with him? I can tell that he's made efforts to be more open to hard conversations in the last few months but there seems to be this fine line where if he gets pushed over that then he becomes closed up. It seems to me like there are these issues with me in his head, which I don't know about because they don't get communicated, and he just decides that it's not working for him. I asked him if he doesn't see any possibility of getting back together and he couldn't give me an answer, but instead got frustrated and said, "when you pressure me you're actually pushing me away".

If you read up until this part, thanks and I appreciate any input. For context, he's not diagnosed so it's even more challenging.

Did you explicitly express your appreciation for these changes at that time?

Anyhow, I can certainly understand how a lack of explicit communication can be extremely frustrating. I would regard any sudden backsliding on this issue as a sign of something seriously wrong.


Perhaps because:


So perhaps he had been hoping to be able to hide it from you?

People don't like being caught in a lie. And I suspect that's the reason why he's backsliding on communication.

Thank you for your response!

Yea, I did express appreciation around that time but his reaction was not quite the same as when I was apologizing. Whenever I say thank you or that I have been noticing changes from him, he doesn't really say anything back. When I apologized about the lateness he said he really appreciated that, and he could've calmed himself down or done other things to prevent that from happening.

I was googling about communication issues for those who are on the spectrum, and I was attributing it to that, was that not possible? I know that communicating with him is very difficult and even if it's positive (like when I'm expressing appreciation), he doesn't seem to know how to respond. He gets very frustrated with hard conversations -- he will try but after 10-20mins he changes the topic or he just basically tries to get away from it. In this particular scenario, he was just repeating things like "we are friends" "when you pressure me, you push me away" and anything else along those lines.

We have lots of fun together, and I haven't closed the doors on being friends (although it would take work on my part for me to get there), as in no hiding stuff, boundaries are in place , but I think that entails lots of communication so we don't go back to this same situation. One of my exes and I are good friends and we communicate a lot so it's clear that it's not going anywhere past friendship. There's no confusion. How do you communicate with someone who gets easily frustrated or is highly anxious about talks? I know that he's trying but there must be something I'm not doing right if he's very anxious about it

Or maybe this is just how he's wired and I can't do much about it?

I'm under the impression that there are a lot of people -- not just autistic people -- who tend to be a bit shy about receiving compliments. I suspect that most people's response to compliments depends more on upbringing than on anything else.

As for inability to handle communication about interpersonal issues, that varies a lot from one autistic person to another. It seems to me that (1) plenty of NT's too have difficulty with overt communication about interpersonal issues, preferring to rely on subtle hints, and (2) verbally capable autistic people are likely to have difficulty with the afore-mentioned subtle hints, more so than with overt communication.

Does your friend at least understand, in principle, why communication is necessary? Or is he one of the all-too-many people who seem to believe that people can and should just magically get along, with no need for overt communication? As far as I can tell, the latter belief is, if anything, more common among NT's than among autistic people. We know from all too many bitter experiences that we can't just magically get along with other people.

Some (though by no means all) autistic people might nonetheless have extreme emotional difficulty handling any kind of criticism. Some people call this "rejection sensitivity dysphoria." Such a person is caught in a really nasty double bind, IMO -- unable to understand subtle hints, but unable to deal emotionally with more overt communication either.

I believe it's of vital importance for verbally capable autistic people to learn, if at all possible, to communicate overtly about interpersonal issues. While this may be a challenge for some of us, it's obviously less difficult than learning to give and receive subtle hints.

I've amassed lists of tutorials on various communication-related topics, including assertiveness and responding gracefully to criticism.

It sounds like a one-sided relationship to me. I wonder if he likes some aspects of a relationship like having someone there to spend some time with but he wants it to be on his terms. Either way if he refuses to have a conversation with you about the nature of your relationship or why he's upset, then he does not sound like quality boyfriend or friend material & it's probably time to move on.