I have so many appointments and I just feel like I don't speak up for myself. I'm not good at knowing how I feel which makes it difficult. For example I'm not even sure what my baseline is and I keep being told there's room for improvement. I've been told to be honest. I just don't know if I'm willing to up my medication. I keep saying that but it's like they want to do it eventually. I'm just really sensitive to side effects if I change my medication and dose. Like I went on antidepressants and they made me sick. It's because I said I struggle with intrusive thoughts.
I have been on and off ability for like 3 years. But now they want me to maybe change it or up the dose. Now I'm on Buspirone as well. That's for anxiety. I don't even notice what the medications do to be honest. Like I still have everything but it's mellowed out I guess. Like I just feel like people are constantly trying to fix me. I've been feeling this from a young age. For all I know, there's nothing to be fixed. I'm not allowed to express that though.
Also I want to express my views of stuff without being told I'm paranoid or that I'm wrong. It starts to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and I feel guilty or that I'm not communicating properly. Some of the things I say just get ignored or people don't like it. People just shut me down. I want to talk about what I observe. So I just think about it instead.
I'm having the hardest time lately trying to tell people that I feel like I'm treated differently and I don't like it. Like lately I'm not included in conversations about my own stuff because I'm "unreasonable". I've always noticed that. Like my family talks about me when I'm not around. I have overheard stuff. Also lately I feel excluded because both my siblings are treated more like adults and have different relationships with our parents. I just sometimes feel like I tag along
02 Mar 2023, 2:19 pm
