Panic about not being accepted. What do I do?

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TW: Social anxiety

Oh gosh, where to start folks? I feel sad and worried. I've been unemployed with depression and anxiety for four years. The good news is that I'm making some small but significiant improvements in certain areas but something happened today that has made me feel very unsettled.

Let me provide some context first. It has become obvious to me that masking my autism is the reason I am mentally unwell, so the solution is obviously to slowly learn to unmask in certain safe situations. The trouble is that I'm so eager to do this that I've sort of tried to achieve it as quickly as possible. I'm now super worried that I've offended a friend through messages because they're not replying. It's normal for them not to reply quickly as they have their own issues but I'm just panicking that I said something stupid. The actual conversation isn't really of much importance, I just... I'm so scared of whether or not the real me will be accepted. The version of me that doesn't spend 10 minutes composing a response before I send it. The version of me that ignores certain people altogether because the level of masking required for them in particular would take up all my energy. I'm known for being sensitive and caring, even though it takes up all my energy... I just... I feel so sad that I can't speak from the heart without going into a panic afterwards about how I may have said the wrong thing. I can't spend my whole life in panic. I want to be able to just say what I feel sometimes and feel comfortable in the fact that I can't control their reaction.

Does anybody have any words of encouragement?

I think it's important to distinguish between two different kinds of masking:

1) Masking for the purpose of trying to look "normal."
2) Masking for the purpose of being considerate or otherwise appropriate in a functional way, independent of arbitrary social norms.

Suppose we lived in a world where everyone was autistic. There would be no pressure to pretend to be NT, but there would still be some lesser degree of masking that we would still need in order to get along with each other. It still would not be a good idea to permanently suspend all of our inhibitions. But we would not feel compelled to do so many utterly unnatural things.

For example, in a world where everyone was autistic, it would be understood and accepted that different people have different body language. Those of us who have difficulty with eye contact, for example, would not feel pressured to fake it. Nor would we feel pressured to put up with painfully loud noises, or to wear uncomfortable clothes.

Yet we would still need to understand, for example, that most people still would not want to hear every last thought that pops into our heads.

So, instead of trying to rid oneself of all masking, it might be better to ask yourself, about any given thing that you feel obligated to do or not to do, "Would I still feel pressure to do, or not do, XYZ if I lived in a world where everyone was autistic?"

For more about this distinction, see Autistic-friendly social skills vs. blending in with NT's, on my website.

Anyhow, regarding your immediate situation: Have you told your friend about your autism and your need to unmask? How much your friend knows about you will likely affect how you deal with the situation.

Anyhow, I would suggest that you send your friend an apology, if you have not done so already.

I actually do think "your actual conversation" is important here. If you have been Dr. Jekyll for all of these years and suddenly your friend is receiving messages from Mr. Hyde, yeah that could be unsettling for him or her.

Or you could ask your friend what's up. Maybe nothing.

I'm currently in a similar situation so this resonates with me quite strongly.

This may not work for everyone else, different strokes for different folks, but for me I always find transparency works best as without it my brain will immediately kick into overdrive reading into things and hyperfixating on reactions/interactions. I know transparency can bring up major anxiety for some (me included), however I'd rather be anxious and aware of my friend's thoughts than anxious knowing nothing and fuelling myself on assumptions and worry.

If you feel comfortable enough to do so (and if you haven't already) maybe just be upfront with your friend so you're both on the same page. At the end of the day, we cannot control someone's reaction (God I wish we could) so regardless of the outcome, you should be proud of the work you're putting in to honour your desire to live genuinely. It takes real courage to do that.

Not sure if all this is helpful (maybe not) but I am going through something similar so can empathise with the anxiety and panic around it.

Don't panic! As long as you know that you did your best, no matter what the results will be, at least you will have no regrets. And if you know that you did well, you will surely be accepted. I am cheering for you!

Do you receive therapy?

Could you be catastrophising? I didn't know it was a thing until a few months ago, apparently we tend to jump to a catastrophic conclusion when other options are available. I seem to do it all the time now that I know to look out for it. Like you said, they may just be taking time to answer because of their own issues.