Treated Differently, Outsider

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When I was a kid, I knew I felt different from other kids but frankly, I didn’t even know what autism was until I was told and when I got older. I hated the fact that I had a disability and I don’t know what the hell is so special about it. Special needs? Why is it special? I know we’re special in our own way so. I’ve always wished I never had autism at all and wanted a cure, but then I wouldn’t be who I am. Autism is part of who I am. Sometimes I still wish I didn’t have it but it is who I am. I felt like an outsider and some people were nice to me but I wasn’t included in a lot of things. I mean I was but still. I know you won’t be included in everything and not everyone will like you, I get it, but it is nice to be wanted and appreciated. Most of my peers from high school I don’t speak to them much anymore.
I remember some people were happy to see me but the next year they act like a stranger or acted different. Some days I want to be alone and some days I want to be part of a clique. What really annoyed me and still does is when I get treated different by someone and that person treats others like everyone else. I got yelled at when I didn’t do anything “right”. I remember kids I played with talked crap about me behind my back. I asked them what they were talking about and they said they were talking about the fire. I knew they were talking about me and it hurt my feelings.
One of my coworkers last year I feel like she is a little annoyed by me, but I don’t know the real reason. She is very helpful and helps me give good feedback about my role and how to handle the students and I do appreciate her. Yesterday she kind of went off on me a little but because when one of the students tried to get his food he didn’t finish, when they already ate lunch. I stopped him and I told him it isn’t time for that and I asked if he was thirsty. She scolded, “No! He is hungry. You clearly saw that he was trying to get his food!”
I know she meant well but I felt like she could have said it in a better way. I feel like she isn’t fond of me much, but that’s fine. Not everyone has to like me just like I don’t have to like everyone I meet.
I also feel like some people throw their anger out on ME and I get yelled at. It’s like I’m the garbage disposal. I don’t know if it’s because I’m nice and expected to be helpful but I feel like it’s my own damn fault for letting that happen. I have all this anger sometimes inside. I’m easy going but I’m not THAT easy.
I do appreciate people that treat me like any other person and very lucky to have friends I’ve known for a long time (also autistic) and been there for me and I’ve been there for them.

My apologies for this long post, I just feel like I needed to rant and let out my honest feelings and I don’t do it much on here or much.

Thank you for sharing. That was perhaps my greatest clue that I was different was spotting trends in how people treated me versus other people. It almost drove me crazy lol, so I did my best to try and identify what it is that I was doing wrong so that I wouldn't be treated differently. Sometimes I'm not able to spot how I'm different from others, but through repeated attempts (and failures), I'm starting to pick up on a lot of things.

Do you think more socialization would help you?

It does seem like she was using you as a punching bag.

(1) Too many folks are either scared or unkind. I finished my annual corporate training on discrimination and harassment a couple hours ago. People speaking unkindly behind someone's back for a protected class (like a disability) is harassment punishable under the law. Asides that, it's disrespectful.

(2) I know it's super hard for many of us to assert ourselves when confronted with grumpy clerks, coworkers, etc. (b/c if I don't "accept it" my impulse deep down is to bite or kick ... hard ). I was the scapegoat for (and gaslit by) two of my three family members, and apparently I have a bully target pinned to my forehead. Still, I am learning to stand my ground and practicing nonchalant (or appropriately mild, humorous or stern) responses when I can swing it. Wishing you some progress or success in this area.

Perspective can change how one views "getting dumped on". For example, having to "take it" can be replaced by choosing not to respond. One can even imagine other responses that would not be used. The reason they would not be actually used is that people with limitations usually respond by escalating when confronted.

1. Did you intend your comment to be hurtful?
2. Who died and made you emperor?
3. Are you seeking to escalate this to a physical confrontation?
4. Do you find a lack of civility hinders your relationships?
5. Were you always a bully?
6. I guess it is true, everyone wants to be Hitler.
7. Are you this rude to everyone or you just don't want to put the effort to be civil with me?

If you allow yourself to see others in terms of their limitations, it can help let such deficiencies roll off your back.

Ooooo, my faves are 1, 4 and 7. Honorable mention for 3 and 5. I would so like to use those. I thought of offering some suggestions for a response script but was too shy. Thanks for taking the time. I thought of some that were a bit more moderate, but have forgotten. It would be good to write them down. There's a book "What to Say Next" for folks in the workplace, where's the one for these situations?

Back in the 80s when more people smoked, my best was when a stranger dropped a cigarette butt right in front of me and I would pick it up and with this sweet innocent look say "excuse me, you dropped this" and give it back to them and skip off (towards an unseen rainbow). They always took it back. I was the protector of the environment, or simply a child menace.

Yeah, it's tough managing other people's issues.

That's how I see things, nowadays. If someone can manage social interaction with both parties coming away better for it, it's a successful interaction. If not, there's a problem there somewhere and it's creating more problems.

Although we humans have plenty of problematic natural biases, there are those with more than others, and most biases can be successfully managed in some way, to some degree. As such I consider it a personal failure when people fall prey to bias.

For me that helps me to find healthier ways to manage people being problematic AT me. It's easier to dismiss what they're saying, to figure out why they're saying it, and how to work around that. It also helps me to be more empathetic with their struggles.

One thing I've learned in life is that most people in general don't want to hurt others. They just don't know how to do that, and are largely suffering from a lack of self-awareness and knowledge of how we, as human beings, work.

I totally get the self-hatred, though, and the desire to be free of our unique struggles. I wrestle with the first one, but in my teens adopted a Nietzschean philosophy to be thankful for what I have because it could be much worse lol. Morbid positivity? I don't know lol. It allows me to feel content even when I'm just enduring health problems, waiting for the next day or the day after, until that particular health problem eases up enough for me to start working on some personal progress. Mostly it just frees my mind from focusing on feeling bad and hating on the things giving me problems. It's much healthier to focus on feeling good and improving my situation even just a little, and feeling good and accomplished about that improvement.

"I do what I can" is something I use a lot when people are disatisfied with their contrast of expectation vs reality about me. And I try to empathize with them in some way, so they know that I'm aware of more than they assume (typical problem of belligerence and 'other' biases), that I see the problem they see, and would do what aligns with their interests if I could. If I can, I try to also get them to empathize with me by telling them how what they do makes me feel and offering them a reasonable alternative.

Doesn't always work, of course lol. Some people you just gotta be mean to, to show you can and will fight if needed, and be angry and authoritative when push comes to shove. Or throw them for a loop by being unpredictably friendly.

Tough to judge. I hate it lol. I just want to be able to have constructive discussions and arguments with people. Far too many people takes things way too personally. Sometimes I just want to tie people down to lawn chair and tell them "Chill, dude. Everything isn't about you. Here, have a slushee."