Increasing popularity of friends-first approach

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It isn't a "binary".
It depends on the ppl involved.
Some ppl do genuinely want to be friends if things don't develop.
And friendship does sometimes develop into something deeper.

Now, if you want to talk in terms of what is the more probable outcome, then "we be cooking".

Toxic masculinity is a problem, yes.

Perhaps you could ask them if the friendship could develop into something deeper?
Perhaps I am being naive, but I don't understand why this is so hard.

Sounds like a rational progression to me.

I've got nothing against people who want to remain friends if things don't develop or people who develop romantic feelings for a friend. I'm just saying that having a general dating strategy of "friends first" doesn't seem to work. Or at least it hasn't for me. Also, the people who do it are always the same ones who complain about being friendzoned, and they have been called manipulative and and sometimes as*holes even on this forum.

I would of become friends anyway because I was in 'that' situation. You guys were making me sore too on top of it, especially you.
Then you weren't telling me what was going on with you. So I didn't know what to tell you or do.
I'm glad you've healed and could trust me eventually. And that you p**** whipped me into being friendzoned, sort of. Instead of running away. You know, a friendship with me was going to turn risky but I didn't know it at the time.

Because their expectation is that if you wanted something deeper, you'd either ask them out on a date, or agree to a date if they ask you. If you turn down a date, then the default assumption is that you're not interested. Most people just don't ask if a friendship can develop into something deeper because if they're not sure, it makes them feel awkward. A lot of people are afraid of rejection as well.

Last edited by Jono on 26 Mar 2023, 6:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

As ppl have mentioned, myself included, getting to know someone as a friend first is a natural, logical first step for many.
I think it is especially important for those on the spectrum because our social skills aren't usually the best.

Social skills to do with dating took me the longest to learn.

Just to show that it's not only me saying this, I found this video on the topic:



Personally, I think being able tell them about your feelings in the makes things easier if you lack social skills, not harder.

I never suggested working opinions regarding this topic was a binary, remember?

"To each their own."
Both ways, perhaps all ways, pay "dividends" at times.

Ole'!

If "all ways" are valid, or, "pay dividends" (at times), then the approach doesn't really matter, does it? At least, in that (lack of) context. So I guess being a smart funny person with a great personality, lying to people to trick them into sex, and exploiting someone's poverty for your own personal gain, are all equally "effective" since they can all "pay dividends". That would explain a lot of the weird ideas about how to get sex "dates" presented on this site.

Of course, not that you're suggesting that, either. Not that you suggest much of anything. Though I suspect that answering every question with "yes", "no", "maybe", "both", "neither", and "sometimes" all in the same breath, makes it super easy to retroactively declare yourself not-wrong. I'm not suggesting that's happening. I'm merely pondering the benefits of doing so, IF someone were actually to do so...

That aside, even though various methods may all have varying degrees of "effectiveness", without even having to make it a dreaded binary! of "yes" or "no", it is still entirely possible to order things along a spectrum, and still determine whether something is MORE or LESS effective than another method, in relation to each other.

I believe the topic at hand is, not whether one method or another is or isn't effective, but rather, whether one method versus another is MORE effective. Presumably, to pick the more effective one - rather than picking a method by throwing a dart at the wall, and sticking to it till it works, someday, maybe, hopefully...

And that's not yet even getting into ethical or moral determinations...

That's true but a little too soon and they might not be ready for it and pull away or think it's a red flag so soon, if they themselves tend to not be so fast to feel.

Here is what I meant to post-using my phone earlier and it was buried in someone else's quote:

"It also depends a lot on the person you are trying to date. Fast approaches work with some. Others need the friends first approach. That is one of the things that makes dating complicated, and frustrating. There is no one size fits all strategy or technique. That is probably more difficult for us Aspies, as we like things formulaic and rational."

You seem to be in distress.
I think you need to settle down.

You constantly change the context that other ppl are using.
My context didn't involve lying or exploitation.

Since you seem to be doing this with others, also, I am not taking things personally.