I wish I didn't have meltdowns over a job

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I've been at my currently position close to six months. It's a dream job, really. Decent benefits, decent pay, very flexible work and life balance, and the choice to work remotely at home -- which is what I do.

I just so happened to join a big mess, and I feel so lost. I feel like I am being asked to do things that I have no idea what to do, or I am so clueless I just ask for help and the answer is so obvious I missed it, and now I feel like an idiot and it adds to the reason why I shouldn't ask. I don't really have an idea of how to make my work more manageable. I have a step by step process. That's easy. When it comes to the bigger problems, I have no idea what to do. I just freeze.

And it can be so hard to talk to people, even in a freggin email. Like, come on??? It's really pathetic. I had to lie for weeks about emailing someone, got the courage to do so yesterday, and it was not so bad. And this always happens! I am so goddamn useless. I just freeze up. I freeze up at work, at home, and I waste time to try and forget all the crap I need to do.

I really want to quit and do something else, but I feel like I'll run into the same issue again. Or be in a worse place.

Nobody knows that I am autistic, because I never disclosed it. But if it's getting in the way of my work with being so fearful of social interaction?? I just need to get better I guess. I can type this out for a bunch of strangers but I guess interacting with work people, there are more strings attached.

I try so hard to appear normal and it always cracks through.

i can relate to this so much. and the joys of working remotely also brings complications.

a very kind person at work who knows of my diagnosis said i need to practice grounding and mindfulness before my accumulated symptoms begin. and i appreciate her kindness but this doesn't really help if you feel overwhelmed by seemingly "small" tasks (such as composing an email, or even responding to a chat) on top of the big things of handling a big change, or big task, or whatever -- and all of those add up and many times it is "wrong", and it's all too much.

what i am doing to manage is this: if you get PTO, schedule at least one three day weekend a month if it is that flexible for you. that way it is something to look forward to, and you know you have three planned days of recovery to just do whatever you need to regroup.

ah, i see, and your schedule makes sense. i would also feel bad for people who had to cover for me, and then the dread of what awaits upon return....

i too am also on the hunt for something better, i.e. something less that could work better for how i work, but also fear that i'll always feel this way with any job, too! so much ugh.

that's exciting you have a whole week vacation! i hope you do get to find a better-suited position, too.

I've been where I'm at for a year and a half now and honestly, it wasn't until recently that I really felt "comfortable." At the same time, there are times when I don't know what to do and my brain latches onto that as a sign of failure rather than being a human being. One thing that's helped me is working around other people and even seeing people who are good workers, who have been in their position for years, having to ask for help, or walking back a mistake sometimes.

Sometimes that doesn't work either though, because my brain can chime back with "yeah, but they're good at what they do, YOU'RE not." No matter how many times I've been told I am.

today is so hard.

at least once or twice a week I think about quitting my job. the only thing that keeps me going is money.