I Had a Meltdown

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I had a little meltdown, I was doing banking, I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing, I felt too stupid, then I felt really bad, cuz I have no one to turn to when I need advice or help me pick out something. I felt like failure, I fail being an adult, I wanted to die.

I really resent having to do this sort of thing and it can become a big deal for me also. Every time I need to manage my finances online it's like being back at school and I've been told to do something I've no interest in doing whatsoever. I get mad, impatient and if something goes wrong then I lose it.

I know how to code, so it really ought not to be an issue for me, but it's as if another part of my brain takes over and I'm 6 years old again, losing control of my emotions under pressure whilst being told to act my age and to stop acting like a baby. I never did want to grow up and things like this remind me why.

I heard somewhere that Autistic people in USA have "Representative Payees" or trustees who handle their financial affairs for them by dispensing money as needed and doing the paperwork. Do you have one?

My sister is my trustee

I mean for your SDI, not your mother's money.
Does your sister handle the SDI too?
I don't know much about it but I thought it had to be someone appointed.
Maybe I'm totally wrong?

I have a financial advisor dude who does all the heavy lifting.

I think there are two things going on here. One is that you might need to have someone help you with banking and money stuff. Maybe your sister can?

But the other is that you are feeling bad about something that is not your fault. I know that feeling of feeling like I should be able to do something and why is it so hard and then feeling ashamed and embarrassed, and also helpless. But what I think you need to do about that is give yourself a break. Remind yourself that whatever difficulties you have, they don't say anything about who you are or about your worth. Don't be hard on yourself, or try not to be. If you saw someone else going through this, would you be judging them so harshly? Probably not, so be as nice to yourself as you would be to someone else who is having a hard time.

I’m on SSI, my sister doesn’t handle my SSI I usually can handle it, I can be very good with my money, I been very good with my money since I was a teenager, in my 20s, I saved $2,000 to buy a desktop computer. When I calculated numbers, it can be too confusing, I end up calculating the same numbers 3-4 times to make sure it right. What do you mean your financial advisor who do all the heavy lifting?

Self-grace, self-compassion. I amended my tax return an hour ago... about 15 hours after filing the first one. Yep. ASD and ADHD, 1-2-3 combo somehow contributed to that one. It would be "fun" to rerun that film and see what happened --- something distracted me or I got bored and wandered off and came back and missed a W-2? Part of me wants to go where you are: "bad me"--- but although it remains my tendency, I can now manage to be 60% amused aside the 40% self-punitive. It's more so the bad habit I would like to die, not myself. I hope you can get to the point, or better.

I am clumsy and make tons of errors. And then it takes time to clean up, correct, etc. Laborious, annoying. And that's what there is in life for me in that area. My therapist reminds me that I didn't/don't often get the support I needed/need and I internalized that. There's a great book "Playful Parenting" and it applies to us re-parenting or caring for ourselves. Be gentle and even playful with ourselves. So I make a game of it when I can: when's my next mistake, when's my next mess --- oh, here it is! Oh, this is a good one.

Wishing you a lift-me-up today. Hugs.