Readydaer wrote:
Call me Lennon, because I need help. (trigger warning for self harm)
So 8 days ago I met this girl online through a Discord server focused on an anime/manga we both like. She seemed interesting from her messages and friendly, so I told her so with a PM. She was receptive and I made some recommendations to her, and on a whim I added what i would call an ambiguously gay heart when she said she'd check them out. She was also receptive to that, and I decided to flirt with her a bit. She was extremely receptive, and in 2 hours and 8 minutes I had a girlfriend.
She was aware that I am autistic and I that she had borderline personality disorder and adhd. The first 2 or so days were nice and loving, and it went so nicely that she confessed her love for me quickly. I'm no stranger to relationships moving quickly, but I was nonetheless caught a little off guard, but still reciprocated. I was and am sure it wasn't a grooming situation partly because I instigated and partly because she was too vulnerable to do things like that, among her words and actions.
Speaking of actions, I learned quickly that she was a cutter. She had a breakdown and I helped her through it as best as I could, being supportive, kind, and forgiving, but she still ended up doing it. I got her through that as well. From then on I told her every day to tell me how she felt on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being 'i want to kill myself right now,' and 10 being 'this is the greatest day of my life,' and help her through the day. The highest it got was 4, and the lowest 1.9. She's been either physically or mentally sick all the rest of the days, with brief periods of the girl I started dating showing through.
At first I didn't mind comforting her because it was kind of my job as a girlfriend, but I'm getting tired. Call me pathetic, but we thought each other was the one, yet now I'm not sure I can be strong for her forever. Constantly worrying about her is taking a toll on my mental health, and I just want her to be happy. We made promises to each other, and I take those very seriously. Promises like staying together forever. You'll probably think I'm a fool, and I wouldn't blame you. I know I couldn't expect a relationship with no bumps, but I don't know if I can handle this forever. I want her to get better. It's frustrating when she hates herself and I tell her all the reasons she shouldn't but she ignores them. I calmed her down through a panic attack and it didn't make her feel better at all.
Relationships are supposed to be give and take, but I feel like I'm almost always giving. She really does love me and I think I feel the same way, and I'm terrified that if I break up with her and break all our promises, she might cut, or worse, if you know what I mean, and I really don't need that guilt on my back. I'm not sure this is healthy for me, but I can't just leave her. I'm at a loss. I don't want to lose someone again, but she's frustrating me so much. What's it all for? Is this worth my time? She really helped me with my depression, and I don't want to go back to that hole.
Please give me advice, WP.
It's natural to feel overwhelmed, and it doesn't make you pathetic. It's essential to remember that you're not responsible for her happiness or mental health. You can be supportive, but ultimately, she needs to seek professional help to address her issues. It's not sustainable for you to be her sole source of support, as this will negatively impact your own well-being.
Consider having an open and honest conversation with her about your concerns and feelings. Encourage her to seek therapy or counselling for her mental health struggles. It's important to establish boundaries and ensure you're taking care of yourself too.
It's okay to reevaluate a relationship if it's affecting your mental health. Breaking promises is difficult, but prioritizing your well-being is essential. If you decide that this relationship is not healthy for you, it's crucial to communicate your decision with care and understanding. Remember, you're not responsible for her actions following a breakup.
Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you navigate this challenging situation. Prioritize self-care and remember that your mental health matters too.
29 Mar 2023, 9:46 am
