A young attorney in my office

Post Reply New Topic

Returned after a few days out of the office. His grandfather had passed away. I saw him in the hall and, understanding my duty, told him I was very sorry to hear of his grandfather's passing.

I am so, so bad about giving condolences. I will flat out acknowledge I lack empathy, or I certainly lack the ability to express empathy in neurotypical ways. Honestly, I have never shed a tear for the death of any person. Pet dogs, pet cat, pet rabbits yes, but not people.

I was aware that his grandfather's death had hit this young man hard, and so extended my condolences.

Then he told me that his grandfather was 92, and that completely discombobulated me. What do I say? "Well, at least he lived a long life." But for this young man, 92 wasn't long enough. I couldn't get another sentence out. I mumbled, dropped my eyes, repeated "I'm very sorry", and kind of backed away.

It gets better. This man's cousin is a highly regarded and, I suspect, well connected attorney in my city, but every time I have dealt with her it has been a hot mess. So when I see this fellow, I see her face, and I am literally pushing through that to give him condolences.

This is how an otherwise five second transaction for neurotypical people works for me.

It likely depends on the tone of voice the grandfather's age was delivered in, but sharing the older age might have indicated that they were sad but that the death was expected. And while the family mourns & hurts, the family was aware of the circumstances & were able to start readying themselves.

The tone of his voice was he was only 92, or he was 92 and gone too soon. He didn't say "he was 92, he lived a good long life", which I would have thought and why I was discombobulated. My own grandparents lived a few hours away, and I saw them only a few times a year. My living grandfather wasn't my buddy as I grew up. Perhaps his grandfather was that to him. Point being, I was left speechless.