Getting this off my chest (but in a happy way)

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OOOOOOH boy. This is going to be cathartic to write.

Hi! I'm Willem, I'm 29 years old and live in South Africa and I apologise in advance for the literal wall of text you are about to witness. I have a lot to get off my chest and I think this void is probably the best place for me to throw it into!

I am finally diagnosed and I cannot tell you how unexpectedly RELIEVED I feel! Like hot damn, I've known for around 2 years now but I've only been able to pluck up the courage and go to a therapist/psychologist in January this year. This was pretty much because I had some shizzles happen between my friends. I never did any research on autism because I was afraid that it wasn't true. I was afraid I would see just enough similarities in what I read to myself, and then my obsessive nature would overwhelmingly believe it and 'box' myself in to believing something that might not entirely be true. I LOVE researching though and have been enjoying reading about this tremendously since Tuesday.

Why I got diagnosed
To put it in short, my best guy friend (Haf) with his wife started a throuple with my best girl friend (Rul) and lied to me about it for 6 months. (There are a lot of valid reasons for it, mainly because Rul was in a longterm relationship, and I treated her very unfairly because of my own biases in a previous period in which she cheated.) I really don't want people to believe she is a bad person though, she has bipolar and has had really poor self esteem, which lead her into dating an emotionally dead person who didn't treat her like someone he loved at all, but she could just never bring herself to the point of breaking up with him, and I think subconsiously wanted him to have a reason to break up with her instead. ANYWAY the lies really got to me, and I reverted to a level of anger I last had as a teenager. It is not a pretty anger, nor does it subside quickly. Honestly I was awful. It was traumatizing. But as they say, there is no time better for change than in trauma, so I went to finally see someone!
Sheesh! That was entirely an overexplanation. But as I understand it that's one of my ticks I guess hahah.

My Story in as few words as I can make possible:
Even though I only realised I was autistic 2 years ago, I knew everything was different for me since I was like 6 years old. I grew up with hyper taxtile defence syndrome - centered on my hands and my tongue. Because of that I was the only one who brought cereal and milk to class up until 3rd grade, before people started making fun of me for it and I just stopped eating at school entirely. I very quickly realised as soon as I got to high school that I had nooooo idea what was happening socially. It's really nice to know I don't have to try to explain that part, because I have tried time and time again to describe to my Neuro Typical fiancee, family and best friends what the experience is like being on the Outside of society. In SO many different variations, but at the end of the day I do understand it is impossible to understand unless you have the qualia. I digress.
I had a lot of trouble in school with the experience of being left out. Kids bullied me, were definitely mean to me and even in the friend groups that would tolerate me, I was always the butt of the joke. I only found people who actually cared about me in my final year of school, and that is truly only thanks to my wonderful sister. She forced me to join a musical production and that's where I met Rul and Divan, one of the coolest guys I have ever met. I instantly got attached to him and his wife (then girlfiend) and we became super close. They taught me that there are people out there who will accept me, and that I do not need to always drown my sorrows in video games. I played A LOT of videogames, for one, I have ~37000 hours in DotA and DotA 2, and even played 'professionally' on a national level for a stint. Regardless, I still hid myself away from the world behind my computer screen for years up until the age of 23, when Rul finally convinced me to get Tinder.
As luck would have it, my first ever Tinder date turned out to be the love of my life. She is SUCH an amazing woman. She is the first person I have ever met who cannot see what I can see, but still somehow figured out what (in my opinion) each human's core goal should be. To help others above your wants. It's now almost 6 years later and we're getting married in September!! I am an absolute wreck about having to be emotional in front of 80+ people, but ahhhhh I will deal with that one with her when the time comes.

Things that I consider "ticks" I know that a lot of this is going to sound arrogant/egotistical but it is really just my experience - though I have not yet researched whether this is also felt in Neuro Typical behaviour so a pinch of salt might be required: I note how my headings are becoming longer and longer.
I obsess, like a lot a lot. I used to obsess about computer games when I was younger, then I found my fiancee and started obsessing over her before I realised it is a problem, so today I obsess about 3 things to split up the load: Her, rock climbing and Dungeons and Dragons.

I am incredibly good at problem solving. I am yet to come across a problem that's not "bigger than myself" that I could not solve. Though I should clarify that this only accounts for things that I have knowledge about. Like I can't just randomly figure out complex math equations or stuff like that.. But computers and specifically Windows as an example I am pretty darn good at.

I know how other people feel, and I am incredibly astute at reading social situations. I think the constant rejection as a 'weirdo' when I was a kid really traumatized me. I spent almost 4 years after school learning everything I could about socialising. I learnt english (not my first language) and memorised as many words as possible, so that I could have more ways than one to say anything. I learnt everything I could about reading body language, about understanding what emotions do to people, how to start/continue a conversation, etc. etc. Essentially I became hyper vigilant about anything happening around me, and have just a really good understanding of how people work.

My brain runs incredibly fast.. I think you will understand this metaphor better than most; essentially inside my brain is like any social gathering of more than 6 people. You know how when you sit in the middle(or just in a crowded space) and on both sides of you there are different conversations happening.. And it is really hard to tune into one without hearing the other one at the same time? I have around 2 to 5 of those in my brain, but with thoughts.. All of the thoughts are also in different voices

I am a maladaptive daydreamer. I spend almost half of my day in a world completely away from this one. My mental palace is based in the Astral plane (DnD) and has essentially teleports to every scenario I can dream up. I am fully emersed in a dream while I am awake, which is really cool because it makes it so much easier to dream lucidly. I love it so much.

I struggle to 'hear' what people are saying in a conversation, even when 1 on 1. I often find myself on the other side of listening to a person but not having heard a single thing they said. I always thought I was whisked away in a dream but I've recently noticed that it's almsot like a "brain shutdown" - I don't dream during it, it is almost like a time skip.

I always feel the most arrogant saying this, but I just understand things. Like my brain just has this massive picture of what is the universe and everything just fits inside of it, more often than not flawlessly.. It leads to me just kind of knowing things, and I often have to check myself to not get too confident in it because it's not a 100% hit rate, I do still get things wrong but I also often feel that was just on a communication level and I could just not put the picture I have in my brain into words sufficiently.

I have never experienced the feeling of boredome, though I like to experience as many different things as I possibly can. So hopefully I can make it happen one day!

My experience of life up until now:
I think I am very fortunate in the puzzle pieces that my brain has. Even though I have crippling social anxiety, experience panic attacks multiple times a day, struggle to function because I am perpetually stuck in the present activity, and struggle with depression, overall I feel I have always been more happy than sad. I could always figure out a way to escape to a place mentally where I could manage and neutralise the many, many emotions. I have also been surrounded by some of the best people I've ever met. I truly believe I am one of the luckiest humans in the world.
I enjoy being able to always be whisked away in a daydream, but also at the same time try to figure out what life and the universe is all about.



Anyway! Thanks for sticking around to anyone who read this, but no stress if absolutely no one does! I am just a happy bean who is relieved he can finally put one struggle to rest!

TLDR: Hi, I'm newly diagnosed neuro divergent - I am insanely relieved to finally be able to put a label to it, and am really excited to read about/figure out more!

PS. I did not spell checked this at all so I am sorry for any egregious mistakes

Welcome to Wrong Planet! And congratulations on the upcoming marriage!

And I sincerely hope both associations work well for you and last a very, very long time.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

A lot of what you wrote above is going to be familiar to a lot of members here.