I don't understand my boyfriend

Post Reply New Topic

I think he's great, perfect for me in every way. But there is just this one thing he has (or should I say hasn't) done that has really upset me.

One of his friends (who I have dubbed as his 'evil twin') has told lies about him and what sort of a relationship he had with a particular female that I have mentioned on here before.

I was basically led to believe by the evil twin that this woman was my boyfriend's ex, hence when my boyfriend and her were flirting (jokingly) with each other in front of me, this caused me to get very upset. (It turns out all they did was sleep with each other when they got drunk. Not exactly the same thing as the evil twin described, now is it?) My boyfriend reacted to my being upset by insulting me, threatening to dump me, not denying she was an ex (he finally did this a whole 5 months later) and by telling me she was less hassle than me. He has since apologised for this, but he took his time. Beforehand he was always sticking up for her in my opinion as he was always trying to justify her behaviour (she asked him if he thought she had beautiful breasts and whether he would like to see nude pictures of her) which I personally found to be out of order.

He has since found out (by since I mean a month ago, he seems to have a habit of sorting things out regarding me very slowly) that his evil twin (someone else who he religiously sticks up for - he reckons his evil twin doesn't realise he's lying so it's all ok) has lied about this girl and has told me he is angry about it. What puzzles me is this though. If needs be, he will stick up for ex sleeping partner and evil twin in a split second but will he do it for me, his girlfriend? No. He reckons he needs to be more 'wound up' before he asks his evil twin why he has lied. (These lies have caused trouble in our relationship, not to mention deeply hurt me.) Other excuses he has brought out of the hat are that he is too ill or too tired to deal with it. Meanwhile, I have a boyfriend, who I feel, doesn't want to support me. He wasn't too ill/tired to insult me, hurt my feelings or stick up for the other two was he? I personally think he is stringing me along with this situation and is using excuses in the hope I will forget about it so he doesn't have to stick up for me. I feel he has no intention of doing it and it's beginning to make me really angry that he defend a compulsive liar and an ex, but not me.

What are other people's thoughts on this?

I don't have any thoughts on this except that maybe you should ask your boyfriend rather than us.

Why not print off what you have put and give it to him to read.

He will then know how you feel.

Hmmm...a guy that won't stick up for his girl???

Have you sat down with him and really told him how you feel? If not, then I suggest doing that first. If you have, and he is still displaying this behavior, you need to decide whether or not that is a quality (or lack thereof) that you can deal with in your mate over the long haul. He may just not have the maturity level to understand how hurtful this can be to you, so communication is key.

Good luck!

Ok, I read the rest of your post. This guy does not sound worth your time, plain and simple. There is no reason for anyone to treat the person they're dating like this. I can understand sticking up for the best friend, but the whore he slept with when he got drunk? Please...

Please take my advice and ditch this guy. I wasted a lot of years on someone who didn't treat me right. Stop wasting your time on someone who is not worth it. He has plainly shown that you're really not all that important to him. Move on and find someone who will treat you right. I know it's hard for a lot of us on here to find relationships, but you should never put up with crap like this.

Perfect for you, except doesn’t stick up for you. I think you need to reflect on what qualities of his are so perfect, and if they are superficial (opens doors for you, good looking, gives you privacy) vs concrete (same upbringing, same values, same outlook, same intelligence). Next, determine if others have similar qualities or if this combonation of perfect qualities is unique to him.

I am not sure of your ages, but the one thing I can guarantee you is he puts on a front for these clowns he calls friends. A friend would not put him in a situation that would cause tension with that friend’s love. He expects you to be understanding BECAUSE you are his girlfriend. Not all guys are like that, in fact, most do put their girlfriends first (and they are usually mean girls anyway).

I think you should write and rewrite a well thought out letter to him over the course of several days. This will give you the range of emotions from hurt to anger to disgust to self worth, etc. If you decide he is totally perfect except for this one thing, decide if it is something you can live with if it doesn’t change. IF this is the deal breaker and you cannot live this way, then…no deal. It hurts to leave someone you love and it hurts when the one that always makes you feel better is actually the one hurting you. You need to decide what type of pain you can live with.

After you give him the letter, don’t harp on it right away. Let him digest it for a few days. If he changes his behavior or was never really aware how this affected you, great. If he doesn’t change at least he will know every time he does it that he is hurting you. Eventually you will get sick of him knowingly hurting you and move on. It’s not a choice of him to keep or dump his friends. It is his choice to defend you or tease you. It’s your choice to stay or go.

Who in your story has Autism? :s

I would feel the same as you and I am imagining you keep going over and over this in your head...the fact he stuck up for her and not for you... and that just makes you feel worse and less trusting and like exploding?

You have to decide if there is any solution to this that will make you feel better or more able to trust him.
Personally, I wouldn't tolerate that situation.
He should be supportive of you, not placing his ex over you in such a way.

People are sounding a little harsh here.
I wouldn't make rash decisions over
something like this, but I'd want to
find out what the hell is up.

It seems like there's crap that you just
don't understand/know about. Now, if your
relationship is of the type that you can't talk
honestly, without things degenerating, it's
not one I'd want anyhow - but if you can,
I'd try and push this issue, and make him
be honest with you.

Do keep in mind that people will always be quick to defend someone they've always defended, else they themselves lose face.

It's a self-consistency thing. It's like people who spend big money on a new car or whatever... no matter what faults it may have, 90% of people will say "It's a great car", just because otherwise they have to admit (to themselves) that they may have made a bad choice.

That said, there needs to be some serious talking going on with your boyfriend... he needs to understand the level of your unhappiness with what he's done. He may never confront his friend, but perhaps at least their relationship may drop off because of the new tension between the two of them. (Try to notice if they're "catching up" less than they used to - if your b/f is serious, I'd at least expect him to feel uncomfortable seeing his friend so often).

I think to get a firm understanding of this and what he's doing you may have to think about how far they go back vs. how far you go back with him as well as some of the things they may have done to help him. Your right, he's taking the wrong route on this. It could be that if he is on the passive side, if his friend is more aggressive, that he's been the sidekick in their friendship the whole time and doesn't feel he has the authority or power to really tell him whats on his mind (if he does want to truly stick up for you). The whole thing of needing to be wound up further or be pushed over the edge to do something shows that his resevoir of assertiveness takes a lot to trigger - if he's aspie it might mean that he chemically feels like he couldn't win a verbal battle with them if his life depended on it unless he was s--- hits the fan angry.

As for him insulting you when things went down like that, part of that could be his 'evil twin' as you described him feeding him a load of bullocks about you, more of it probably by the fact that if he has this much of a problem gathering the resources for assertiveness he also probably has that blind or rationalized drama-hatred where he gets mad at whoever he feels is upsetting the balance regardless of their validity in doing so (not exactly an admirable way to be with things).

I think you in the end need to sit back and analyze 1) does the good outweigh the bad in your relationship and 2) is there really any hope for him to get through it? If you really love him in all other respects and if he's that good for you then I think your strategy might be to provide whatever triggers he needs to either get that pissed or provide him with a way to lose his friend and his ex at the same time for a better set of friends. Also with his ex, does she hang out with his guy friend you've mentioned? I just ask because he may have a hand in her behavior and disrespect for you if that's the case. I think you have it pretty well figured out who the negative part of this is, the real puzzle then is figuring out what to do with your guy. If he's barely there for you and then doing this, try to find someone better - even being single really is better than being in something that tares you up because it can't work and has no hope of working (ie. you can only control your side of it as well as how you influence him to a degree, he has to take up the reins and do something for himself and for you at this point - that's really the litmus test at this point and it sounds like you've given him more than a fair chance already).

For those of you that are unsure if he is autistic/aspie or not, he is an NT, I'm the aspie.

Anyway, I have spoken to him about this and every time I do it's like 'I'm waiting to get wound up enough' or 'well I nearly said something to him but...' or 'I'm too ill for this right now, it's stressing me out too much' (he suffers really bad from Crohn's disease and it reacts to stressors quite badly sometimes). This is why I think he is making excuses to get out of confronting the issue and leading me to believe that he will do something about it when in actual fact he won't. I am going to try and chat to him again tonight armed with the advice some of you have given me on here - thanks guys, you have all, in some way, been helpful as ever

I don't really know what will become of my chat with him (if I have it) tonight. I am prepared for the fact that it will end up the way it always does. However, he doesn't stick up for the whore anymore since learning the truth, so at least that's now a bonus.

You are adult and you should what to do , i don't see why you are telling us such private things .

ok let's see :

1-he flirts her ex-girl in front of you without caring of your emotions
2-he talk sexual things with this girl too
3-he defends his liar friends
4-he defends his ex-girl
5-he doesn't stick to you


I think your boyfriend is jerk and I think that you are stupid for not seeing that , and what make you look more stupid is that you see him as perfect too ..... Unless if you love the way he is then in this case we can't help you .

ps: I have nothing personal against you but this is how I really think .