One Way To Spot An Unsafe Person

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25 Apr 2023, 4:33 pm

Yes, Joe, I found it so ironic that a group for Highly Sensitive People is full of so many argumentative people that I had to leave. I think that probably says more about Facebook than HSPs though :lol:

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KitLily
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25 Apr 2023, 4:41 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:

KitLily wrote:

I've worked out ONE way to know if someone is toxic/unsupportive/unsafe. I'm in my 50s so I'm pretty late to do this :lol:

It is if they immediately jump to the defence of someone you are having a problem with, even/especially if they don't know that person. Instead of defending you, who is present and their friend.

I agree that it's not cool to "immediately jump to the defence" of the other person.

That's just weird.

I don't automatically jump to the defence of anyone, unless it's an obvious case of someone going to hit someone else or needing physical protection...

If my friend had an issue with someone else I'd want to know the details...

Chances are, once I get the information to see both perspectives or see "evidence" of what happened, I'll defend my friend because chances are my friends have the same values I do and 100% I care about their mental wellbeing...

I think that's what you're trying to say, but I just thought I should put it in my own words. I'm trying to say it's repeat incidents of me determining "Hey, I'm on your side" that make me consider someone a friend, rather than me friending them first and defending them automatically - no matter what happens - later on.

You've given a very reasonable account of what you would do Isabella. I just cut it down so my post wouldn't be too long.

I've unfortunately experienced so many people who immediately take the side of an unknown person they don't know instead of me, who they do know, when they have no idea of the perspectives or the whole situation. It's like a reflex: someone upsets me so immediately I am wrong and the other person is right. I don't know why this happens. I need support and help, yet I am immediately forced to consider the other person's situation without any time to explain how I feel and what happened. You're right, it's weird.

Yes I'd never befriend someone first and defend them automatically, that's the wrong way round.

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25 Apr 2023, 11:17 pm

beady wrote:

Totally agree with your assessments. It took me til later in life to embrace this philosophy as well. Now it forms the foundation of all my relationships. If you say I’m important to you, then you better have my back or those are just empty words. It doesn’t mean I’m right no matter what, but you sure batter start there and give me the benefit of the doubt.

Traditionally, those on the spectrum would place honesty above "partisanship", hence they would have few, if any, friends.
Some of us were prepared to make that sacrifice.
Perhaps that was a too draconian/Spartan way to live life.
I will lie for a friend these days, but it is rare, it is not gratuitous, and comes at a heavy price.

"When an aspie lies, an angel loses its wings." <sad face> :mrgreen:

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26 Apr 2023, 6:06 am

Pepe how do you spot an unsafe person?

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Summer_Twilight
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26 Apr 2023, 1:29 pm

How to spot an unsafe person:

An unsafe person would probably be someone who is

1. Extremely pessimistic
2. Always talking about other people or making up stories
3. They start abusing their family members right in front of you
4. They are always trying to sue someone
5. They are unpredictable - sweet one minute and nasty the next

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26 Apr 2023, 2:20 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:

Ah good, I like a list of instructions.

I'm pretty pessimistic but not as bad as I used to be.

When you say 'making up stories' you mean stories about real people don't you? I'm always making up stories about fictional characters, e.g. fanfic. That's not unsafe is it?

No. 5 OMG that is my mum! I NEVER have any idea what mood she's going to be in, I've seen her change from nice to nasty while I was walking down the road with her.

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26 Apr 2023, 2:43 pm

When I mean "Making up stories," I am talking about making up false facts about other people.

When I talk about unpredictable people - They are nice and tell you they love you one minute and then find ways to undermine and devalue you the next.

Unsafe people
-Phony individuals who hide their true feelings behind their other friends, family, spouse, etc. by making it sound like all these people don't like you because you are the one with the problem. When in reality, it's the phony individual who's very insecure who have the problem with you out of jealousy.

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26 Apr 2023, 4:20 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:

Oh good, I just make up imaginary character stories.

Yes that is my mum, I never know whether she will love or hate me from day to day, hour to hour. And most things are my fault :roll:

Summer_Twilight wrote:

Unsafe people
-Phony individuals who hide their true feelings behind their other friends, family, spouse, etc. by making it sound like all these people don't like you because you are the one with the problem. When in reality, it's the phony individual who's very insecure who have the problem with you out of jealousy.

Oh yes I've had that! So often! Thanks for that information, I'll see the truth from now on.

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Summer_Twilight
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04 May 2023, 7:52 am

Here are some other signs of people who are unsafe:

Unsafe people can also be individuals who convince us that they are friends but do things like this

-Everyone but you are invited to hang out and then they said, "Friends" come back and brag about what they did and how they had a good time.

- They one up you

- You can't be yourself around them

-They say nice things about you one minute and then insult and criticize you the next

-They constantly make and break promises and never own up to their actions

-They get bent out of shape when you confront them for not being a good friend

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04 May 2023, 10:59 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:

Thanks, I do like a list of instructions! The friend I had til last year always bragged about her fun holidays with her friends...

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04 May 2023, 11:40 am

Hi Kitlily, then she probably wasn't a friend to begin with and especially if she never seemed to invite you to go on vacation with them.

While I was in high school, I had three "Friends" who often left me out because they weren't interested in a friendship with me. Yet instead of telling me, they led me on. Anyway, they would get together and then one of them always bragged to me afterward about so much fun they had doing this or that.

Then another time, there was a late start day in high school, and one of the moms dropped all three of them off. When they saw me, the one who did all the bragging went, "Hey girlfriend, it's nice to see that you are early today." I was so mad at them for leaving me out too. They ended up going out for breakfast while I was left out.

However, that kind of behavior is to childish that it's not even funny

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05 May 2023, 5:22 am

Thanks Summer Twilight. I decided that this 'friend' was probably using me for something, I don't know what. But she was the last 'friend' I'm going to allow to hurt me like that. I'm not chasing after people asking what I did wrong anymore. I'll just move on.

I was pretty lucky that I had some really good friends at school, I wonder if some of them were ND. Looking back I think some had autism, some had ADHD. My daughter says the same- all her friends are ND in some way.

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KitLily
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05 May 2023, 5:24 am

Another way to spot an unsafe person:

They like you and treat you well when you are at your strongest, happiest, most dynamic.

But when you have problems, you're at your weakest, saddest, lowest and need their help...they pounce! And try their best to make you feel worse. Or say 'you think YOU'VE got problems? Mine are much worse.' Or have a tantrum to distract everyone from you and your needs, so everyone focuses on them and theirs.

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Summer_Twilight
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05 May 2023, 7:45 am

Hi Kitlily:

I ended up transferring to a different high school during my senior year because of the bullying. At first, I talked to one group of girls but they were not the right fit either. Then I just started hanging out alone and enjoyed myself. Before I knew it, I ended up connecting with some girls who were more popular. They ended up pulling me out of my shell as well. We all connected because we had an interest in social sciences.

Then I made friends with another girl who was kind of quirky and loved to read and she was a sweetie too.

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06 May 2023, 2:44 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:

That is lovely to hear about you making friends like that. I think hanging out alone and enjoying yourself probably showed people 'the real you' and they were attracted to that.

This is another weird thing. I wasn't bullied at school, well not seriously. I always had a nice group of friends and if one group 'went bad' I found another easily. Another reason why I never suspected I had autism- I was just 'a normal girl'.

It's just the last 20 years or so I've been unable to make friends. Who knows why. I think it's this cliquey village. I don't fit in with the posh people or the working class people here.

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17 May 2023, 6:57 am

Here are a few more examples:

Unsafe people say they are your friends but they don’t ever make you a priority in their life. However, they keep convincing you they are your friend. Yet, they never make time for you.

You notice that they treat your other friends to things but not you.

You have to bend over backwards for them but they make every excuse not to help you.

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