Borderline Spectrum Test

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Yeah because I was apparently diagnosed with it.

Good point.

Do you know if it's on your medical records?

No. To be honest I was really high on drugs at the time of the article and I didn't give it a second thought until about 5 years ago. Maybe I should look into it.

Splitting is not about splitting up with people, it's about seeing things in extremes, black and white / good or bad, and not the nuances. This is also common in autism.

Mine came out "moderate" BPD traits which was a surprise as I thought it would be low.
My daughter has BPD so I know what it is like and I don't have it. She would have scored very high in all aspects I suspect.

But when I look into it, the traits I have can be explained by my autism, e.g.

Paranoia:
I've been hurt too much by people including a narcissist that I don't automatically trust any more
Also I have difficulty working out people's motivations so sometimes I might assume they are hurting me deliberately even when it is accidental

Feeling of emptiness:
I get episodic mood issues including transient depressive symptoms, which can include the empty feeling
Also it could be related to a lifetime of masking, so that sometimes I'm not even sure who I am and what I want anymore.

So I would say to be cautious of this test as there could be some double-up with autism traits and you might get a false positive.

I don't know how to share the chart, I got very high on "identity diffusion" and "feelings of emptiness," moderate on "self-harming behavior," "emotional instability," and "dissociation," low on everything else, overall ranked "moderate." I expect my results are largely due to depression and self-hatred, and lack of any real sort of "identity" besides things I don't identify (that strongly don't fit me).

I scored low, as I expected to, but I actually think that I have BPD.

Even though I don't fit most of the criteria, one of the more prominent BPD symptoms, of having extreme emotional reactions that are impossible to control (and that over the past year have completely upended my life, to the point that my therapist suggested checking into a mental hospital), is so pronounced in me that I have not been able to find any other explanation. Or even anything that comes close to explaining it, other than BPD.

Is it possible to have a condition but not fit most of the criteria?

For instance, a lot of the questions were about feeling worthless, which is a concept I don't understand. People say things like "I don't know if I'm good enough" or "I don't deserve to be loved" and similar things, which don't make any sense to me. All of us just are. We are all fine just as we are. There's no entity that is passing judgment, and if there were, there would be nothing there for them to judge (except maybe if you actually did a bad thing, in which case you can make amends).

I would anticipate if you're missing all the symptoms but one that some other diagnosis would be more appropriate.

That does make sense and I agree. But this is the only diagnosis I have come across that has extreme and uncontrollable emotional reactions (especially relating to abandonment) as one of its main symptoms. Can anyone point me toward other conditions that cause that?

(It's not emotional dysregulation because my emotions are not all over the place, they are stuck on endless, crippling pain, because of one cause, and have been for a year.)

So, on this test, the McLean Screening Instrument for Borderline Personality Disorder, I got a 6. Which is an inconclusive result.

https://www.thevividmind.org/blog/test/bpd-test/

Have you looked into Avoidant Personality Disorder at all?

Hm.
I may expected a bit higher.
Especially dissociations and emotional instability.

But I was sure it got lower since I was able to manage my chronic sinusitis several times better (no sneezing fits for few days a week in my waking life) compared to basically a whole 22 years of my life out of 27 (which was only less than few days a year of not having any sneezing fits for most of my waking life)

It was the main reason why dissociate, why I have plenty of stupid habits -- it gives me brain fog, sensory overwhelm and as my main source of stress amongst other things. It didn't gave me space even when I'm alone in a quiet and safe room because I'm too busy coping with something that cannot leave me alone.

Now I have a bit more time to breathe, process and way less to deal and have those times stolen by poor breathing and sensory disruptive symptoms.

For now, some of my emotional bouts are either triggered by consuming certain foods, having hormonal fluctuations and sometimes by ignoring the very fact that I'm having sensory overload without reacting about it at all (related to my higher score in dissociation)

I was too focus at the idea of being able to take it all. Barely ever learned how to 'budget'.
And thus binging until it burns me in some way.

Didn't helped that my current baseline is also natural overwhelm -- that anything less than overwhelming meant being underwhelmed.

So it's not just what my body is expecting, craving and accustomed to, but also my habits around that.

It'll lower as I find more ways on how to manage or stop my bodily sensations from being as annoyingly distracting and stop making less sense.


And I'm very certain that my lack of fear of abandonment is one of my most constant of traits.

I do not worry people leaving me.
It's usually me leaving them and somewhat struggle to stay with them.
I never actively leave anyone I've known unless they've done something really wrong...

Not because of fear, but because EF issues. And I'm also asocial.
And somewhat busy; it's an EF issue; not being able to control your schedule or following through it well.


Anyways...

If I'm not able to solve myself from stupid emotional hang ups and from most of this before the age of 30, I'll consider going to getting diagnosed to any psych and having mood stabilizers.