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Hi,

I'm not sure where to start here. I guess to start - I'm an adult in my 30s. I've been working in "professional" jobs for about 6 years now and before that had worked in a ton of different jobs. I've been fairly self-sufficient since 16 years old but have had periods of voluntary homelessness, have moved around a lot, and have done a ton of different things.

Anyway, a number of months ago, I was doing something or thinking about something that led me to taking an online quiz about autism and if I was on the spectrum. I'm not sure what prompted this. At the time, I went through the questions and thought my score was indicative of not being on the spectrum.

This opened a door and left an itch in my brain. I felt I hadn't been, honest?, with the quiz or had started second guessing if I had given answers I felt I should give or answers that were actually related.

So, months later, I re-took the quiz and found myself with a score indicating that I'm on the spectrum. This was maybe a month ago? This led into a deep dive of the different testing mechanisms, going through different testing mechanisms, and, as of maybe a couple of weeks ago, a deep dive into learning about ASD in general.

This kind of coalesced and didn't necessarily click with me until last week. I had a work trip last week and, the day prior to getting on the plane, it was like being hit with a sledge hammer. All of a sudden I started making connections between how I felt in that moment to experiences described in ASD literature. I started deep-diving back into reading about peoples' experiences and, little-by-little, some puzzle pieces started clicking into place. The way that touching cotton balls as a kid would cause my body to convulse from the pain in my ears, selective mutism as a child, the extreme nausea caused by the experience of yellow summer squash's texture (not the taste, but the texture), the periodic involuntary body twitches that I've experienced since I was a child, the habitual picking at my fingers and lip, the obsessiveness over individual subjects until such time as I fixate on something new, regular alcoholism used for sleeping and being social, the list can go on and on and on.

This was exacerbated at my work event - I met several remote people that I hadn't met before including my bosses. This job is kind of newer for me and has been causing immense waves of anxiety since I started it. I previously thought this was imposter syndrome, introvertedness, or something else - but I think I'm understanding now. Regardless, at the trip, I noticed the involuntary bouncing of my knee and other stimming activity. Now that I'm home again, my anxiety is worse. I've been completely exhausted, twitching more than usual (it feels like a quick short circuit in my brain that causes my body to spasm - in the past, this has been caused by various auditory or visual triggers, sometimes even just thinking about something), etc. I've also been continuing to deep dive further into learning about ASD now that I'm in the process of understanding that perhaps this is why I am the way I am.

Now that I've come to this personal revelation, I'm a little stumped as to where to go now. I'm kind of concerned about talking to my long time partner about this as her ex was autistic and was extremely abusive to her, so her association with autism is a toxic one (though she may unwittingly be on the spectrum too). I'm also concerned that I've been perpetually masking for a really long time and I'm unsure as to how to stop masking and am concerned about the long term effects. I also don't know how to proceed professionally... I've had this job for about 6 months and I don't think it's right for me as I'm just constantly stressed and struggle with even understanding what my role is and how I'm supposed to perform my role - my coworkers are telling me I'm doing a great job, but it doesn't stop me from stressing. My house also stresses me out and, at times, my partnership does too. Some of these aggravations I've discussed with her, but have never been able to explain the why behind these feelings. Or even what the feeling even is. I'm concerned maybe I'm even masking with her to an extent. I also don't know if there's any real benefit to pursuing diagnostics or if it's really necessary at this stage in my life.

Anyway, I guess I wanted to share my experience as of late, as well as my experience of discovery in this. If anyone has any advice on anything, I'd welcome it, but otherwise - Hi - I guess this is who I am. It's nice to know I'm not just weird or that I'm not alone and that everything I've experienced in my life has actual explanations. I guess that's nice to know, but it's also kind of terrifying and it's hard to know really how to use this information.

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hello and welcome

Welcome to WP! I hope it satisfies some of you needs.

Regarding the online Autism tests: I think the best way to answer them is honestly. Not second-guessing. Not trying to mask or paint a picture. Just answer honestly.

And then you still have to wonder whether the result is correct.

Hi,

It sounds like you are going through a lot of the same stuff I've been going through for the last several years. Finding out you're autistic makes your life make sense, you know why you react to things the way you do and why you struggle with things other people don't find difficult, but it doesn't fix any of that, just kind of shines a spotlight on it all. I get what you mean about it being terrifying. I'm sorry you're having so much stress around different aspects of your life. I can't answer the masking issues because I haven't figured that out for myself yet, but I wanted to tell you that if people at your work say you are doing a good job, you most likely are. From my experience, it takes us longer than usual to adjust to any new situations and find a rhythm and maybe you just haven't completely found your groove yet?

Welcome, you are in the right place. It is great to find others with similar experiences, insights to share, and to know we are not alone. Glad you are with us.

Hi, It sounds like you are looking for answers. I am not sure I can give any.

This site contains many people who have very different conditions. We are not all the same but a variety pack. In my case I have Asperger's Syndrome. I am a young child inside but my actual age is now 74 years. I have this condition because I died when I was around 3 or 4 years old. I was attacked by a large bull and it killed me. But humans are very interesting creation. We have multiple brains. My left side, my dominant side of my brain was damaged by the attack and DIED. My right side of my brain, my nighttime brain came online and was given a choice to live of die (a near death experience). And I chose to live. Eventually my left side of my brain recovered and became my night time brain. As a result I am a very different construct.

So what can I tell you. Your are a thinker. That is good. I am a thinker. I figure things out. So there is a curiosity built inside you that can lead you on your journey through life.

You may be operating on a high degree of accuracy in making decisions. Somewhere around 99% as you age. Most people operate around a little over 50 percent and some even lower in decision making. So be true to yourself and your abilities and always be honest to yourself and others. This is a formula for NOT MAKING FRIENDS, but it is the proper approach.

Also there is one more rule. Whenever you have a very serious decision to make ALWAYS SLEEP ON IT. This allows your other brains to partake in the decision making aspects of the decision. You have both a daytime and nighttime brain. Both work together. They will cooperate together, if you let them. They will be your guide.