Terrible pain of losing closest person in my life

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I don't know where to start. I have a friend who has been my very best and closest friend for all of my adult life, and I could completely count on him in every way, even when we lived far away. He was more than family, I loved him like my mother. We were partners for about 15 years from the time I was 18 and then we split up and remained best friends. We get along perfectly and have everything in common and I just love him more than anything, and he did me too. In recent years he split up with his partner and my partner died, so we got back together.

Then one day out of the blue he dumped me in the cruelest way. I thought that as soon as he realized how much he had hurt me, he would run to me to make sure I was okay and make amends, and hold me and say how sorry he was for being so insensitive. Instead he has been terrible to me, for over a year now, saying callous, awful things, not taking my calls, but sometimes taking them, then blaming me for being his victim, but also saying he still cares, and then cluelessly saying that everything is okay, when it could not be further from okay. But even if we are not together as partners (to make things more complicated, he has said twice that we were back together, then suddenly jerked it away again), I cannot imagine or tolerate my life without him. It is literally more than I can bear. It's as if the ground has been ripped out from under my feet. I have been sobbing every day, sometimes curled up on the floor, just sobbing. My life has become completely unbearable and I only wish I could die, though I don't have the courage to take my life.

I don't know how to cope. I can't stand living. I am in so much pain it's just not bearable.

I "got help" like you are supposed to, but neither my therapist or my psychiatrist have been any help at all in over a year. My therapist said she has never seen anyone in this much pain. But she also says she doesn't think she can help me because I am autistic and therefore unable to be flexible and I guess just roll with it somehow and get over it, so her advice is useless to me. She says I should break off all contact with him, but I can't imagine anything more painful, nor would it help. I don't even understand the theory of how that is supposed to help. Being even more alone is better?

When my previous partner died, I was able to accept it because it was unchangeable, and he didn't die on purpose, obviously. He didn't die to hurt me. This current person is hurting me every day, and it would hurt whether I was in contact with him or not, because he has never made amends for his cruelty, so, to me, until he does, he is still being cruel.

I'm not really expecting that anyone can help me. I just don't know what to do. Every day is unbearably painful. I do have three friends and my sister (only one of whom lives in my city), but otherwise I am alone all day every day crying, and I think it will be like this for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to say or how to help, but I read this and I wish I could give you a hug.

Idk sounds like at one point maybe they were your friend, but they aren't being a good friend now regardless. Best thing to do would be to cut him off entirely and then work on moving past it. I mean he has shown he can't be trusted, flip flops on if you are together or not...sounds like he just wants somone to manipulate not like he'd ever value you as a partner.

And I for one am glad you did not have the 'courage' to take your life, though I'd argue the better term is you had the sense not to. Idk I attempted suicide once and am glad I failed so I may be a bit biased.

I'm very sorry to hear this has happened to you. I understand being dumped like that suddenly, it's happened to me a few times but not by such a close friend.

It makes me angry that someone would do this to another person.

I think what Mona said above could be true- something happened to your friend that he didn't tell you about and it changed him. Or maybe he's come under the influence of some nasty people who have changed him and made him want to hurt others.

Either way, it's not your problem. Your job is to take care of you, not people who hurt you.

If I were you I'd block every way he has to contact me. He is hurting you so don't give him the satisfaction of being able to reach you. Fill your life with nice things instead of thinking about that idiot.

I don't know if that helps but it's helped me in the past when I've been dumped.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It's very understandable that you feel devastated.

I wonder whether your friend has developed some kind of mental illness? A relative of mine experienced something similar with her beloved husband of thirty years. Over a period of months he became increasingly hostile and uncaring towards her and their adult children. He started acting impulsively, said and did some awful things and was planning to leave the marriage. After he began having issues at work, he reluctantly agreed to see a doctor and was referred to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed a mood disorder brought on by stress. After starting medication and therapy, he gradually returned to more or less his old self. He was then mortified at how he had treated his wife.

There's nothing that you can do to change your friend's behaviour but I hope that he eventually gains insight into his actions and how they have hurt you.

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I don't know what else to say right now.

I am very sorry to hear this. When someone close to me moved away i also felt like i have lost the meaning in my life.

It will be a hard process but time really is the cure to any pain. I say, spend as much time as possible with other people, your friends and family and care for them as much as you can.
The people in your life currently are the important ones, not the ones in the past.

I feel for all of you who have gone through similar things and you have any support I am able to give.

I just don't know what to do because this is permanent. When pain is temporary, as tough as it is, you just have to wait it out. Even grief, which doesn't go away, still becomes softer. But not this. I can't grieve someone who is still alive and who could help me at any moment if he chose to but doesn't. It is impossible for me to tolerate losing the most important person of my life. I cannot imagine not telling him about a funny thing I read, or any other thing like that, all the things that make up a normal life that you share with the person whom you love and who loves you back. Because I have no doubt that he loves me back.

And even if I could get past that, I'm still looking at 30 years (because I'll probably be unlucky enough to live that long) alone. And I can't. It's like looking into an abyss. I don't know what to do.

I have already overburdened my sister and my few friends by calling them all the time sobbing. I am sobbing every day, and it's been a year.

I'm sorry.

I really wish I could give you a big hug Bee33.

I don't know what to say, except that it might be a good idea to just cut this guy out of your life- I mean block every way he has to contact you and give yourself some time out. If he can still contact you, you'll always be at his beck and call hoping he comes to his senses.

You could say 'I'm blocking him for 3 months' and set a time limit so it doesn't feel endless. I dunno.

The one who hurt me was not a longstanding friend but she seemed to like me and we were close. Then suddenly Boom! She stopped contacting me last year. I know she's still alive because she is showing off on Facebook with her vast network of friends. But I'm done with this. I'm tired of people who seem to be my friend and then suddenly dump me. I don't chase them anymore to find out 'what I did wrong'. I am done with such people!

I only had 2 local friends at the time so I valued her friendship. Now I only have 1 local friend, so her betrayal cut my friendship group in half!

Loss is loss either by death or because someone left

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5033290/

Understanding Grief and Bereavement

Br J Gen Pract. 2016 Oct; 66(651): 523. doi: 10.3399/bjgp16X687325

British Journal General Practice

^^that is a really good idea to look into grief and bereavement.

Sweet Pea hugs

He's the most important person in my life and always will be, even if I don't see him again. Cutting him off would be like cutting off my own hand. I would never do it. He means absolutely everything to me. Without him I am not only in unbearable pain from missing him, but I also have a rest-of-my-life of aloneness to look forward to (which are two different, both terrible, things). There is no way I can move forward. There is nothing I can do. There aren't other people who can fill the void. And he's currently not talking to me and I just feel like dying. It's just intolerable. Thanks for listening.

I went through that last year with two people at once, and again with one of them last month.

Keep loving.

All I can do is give the best advice I know.

Prioritise yourself. Protect yourself. If someone hurts you badly, they don't deserve you.