How not to fixate on an abusive ex

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I recently got out of a long term abusive relationship and I've been struggling to not think about my ex. I find myself spending whole days going over and over in my head about every awful thing my ex said and did over the years. What's worse is that she is convinced (and has convinced all her new friends) that she was the victim despite the vicious, nasty, bigoted things she said to me and her (now ex-)friends who also lived with us. She is one of the most deluded, self-pitying, paranoid, insecure people I've ever known. She belittled me, insulted me, treated me like an idiot--all in front of her (now ex-)friends--who quickly lost all sympathy for her, despite having known her for far longer than they knew me--and despite me trying to defend her when she treated me like that. When confronted under oath (long story) with my saying she was verbally abusive, she and one of her new friends got visibly choked up and denied ever being abusive. I don't even think she was lying. She is just that self-deluded. She would constantly accused me and everyone else in the house of being abusive despite being routinely nasty and demeaning to everyone around her. She would accuse me of lying to turn people against her, but never had any meaningful response to my countering by pointing out that every lie I've told about her to others was so they wouldn't think less of her--so they wouldn't know the things she did to me that I had internalized as acceptable.
I am in no way saying I was blameless in that relationship. I'm human, and fully capable of doing toxic, damaging things as well. She absolutely brought out the worst in me. The difference between me and her? I apologize. I own up to these things. Even if I think the other person shares some of the blame. Even if it's humiliating. And because of that, I have changed over the years for the better (mostly). But every time I apologized, it just made her feel vindicated in considering herself the victim. The very last conversation we had was me apologizing for being unpleasant when we had last met (for me to help her ex-friends get their things out). Even though I knew it would reinforce her victim complex. Because it was the right goddamn thing to do!! Something which she cannot comprehend. Getting apologies out of her was always like pulling teeth--like trying to break through a brick wall with a toothpick.

Tldr:
So I think I've shown I'm full of these endless, miserable, furious thoughts, and I don't know how to put them out of my mind. I'm not an angry person. I'm not a hateful person. It all feels so ugly. But it's consumed me for weeks. I have no other friends or romantic prospects to distract me. I just alone at home and try to distract myself on my own. I don't want to be like this. I can't forgive her for things she has down and shown no remorse for. What do I do?

I'm sorry you experienced such traumatic emotional abuse. It sounds truly awful.

What support have you sought for yourself? (Therapy, EMDR, etc.)

EMDR might be a good start. It's the eye-movement thing. It helps a lot of people with trauma.

There are also some good YouTube channels on the topic of recovering from Narcissistic Abuse. They aren't necessarily designed for autistic viewers, but they're still helpful. I'd recommend looking at Dr Ramani for Narcissistic Abuse, and Crappy Childhood Fairy for longterm abuse and trauma / CPTSD. Your abuse wasn't in childhood but CCF talks enough about the fallout of longterm trauma that I think she'll help you chart a course forward.

Let me know if you're interested in links.

Beyond that, journalling is probably best. Make a thread here to use like a blog, or keep a running diary / journal in private whether on computer or handwritten. It helps to see your feelings and memories written in word form so you don't forget, and you'll start to feel like you're getting the feelings "out" of you. Physical activity is also helpful because it will help you rid some of the adrenaline and stress associated with Fight / Flight panic attacks.

The most important thing is to be at peace with what happened. You can't change it now. Try not to feel guilt or shame for being in such a terrible relationship. Remind yourself you did the best you could, and it's very common for autistic people to be preyed upon by narcissistic or even sociopathic manipulators. It's part of our package deal, unfortunately. You're doing well to admit it and to help others with your post.

Hang in.

Hugs,
Issy

Yup, autistic people can still be manipulative monsters.
I've had my fair share of abuse from autistic people as well.

Again, I'm sorry it happened.
Maybe check out those YT channels if you think they'd help.

I did the same after my divorce.
Ruminating on all the bad stuff he did.
I did have a therapist so that helped.
The main thing is that I already wasted too much time on him, and thinking about it all was another waste of my life.
No free rent in my head.When ever I start to dwell on it ,I replace those thought with better ones.

Fixating can be a part of the healing process. Sometimes it means that one needs to work through or process specific memories or experiences. That’s how it is for me anyway.

Journaling and/or talking with a therapist are helpful for many people. I try to get outside and go for hikes to burn off steam when my headspace gets to be too much.

They say the best revenge is living well so get rich and don't give her any