I've overthought this long enough, so now I'm here

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Hei,

when I was a child, we moved quite often. So you might think I'm pretty used to being the "new girl". But I am scared. More often than not, being the new girl hadn't been a good thing. There are two options when I'm scared: I'm very quiet. Or I'm absolutely not.... well. Here we are.
Let's start with basics: I'm a 40year old woman living in Germany. My native language is German, so please excuse mistakes.
I've dealt with anxiety and depression for quite some time. "Learnt" about autism in my twenties, but not beyond the stereotype, and didn't identify and my therapist never did either, but what he also didn't do was to help me get rid of my anxiety because his solutions didn't work for me ("Go to <big square with many people> and ask someone what time is it" - "But there are big clocks there, why should I ask what time it is?" - "To train talking to strangers." - "But that's stupid, there are these huge clocks!").
But then, about 3 years ago now, I again stumbled upon autism. I read a book and they said, like: "While neurotypical people do this and that like <ThingA>, autists do <ThingB> " and I was like - wait, anyone does <ThingA>?! I had always thought everyone, like, plans social interactions with decision tables. I mean - how else? That made me research beyond the stereotype and it was mind-blowing. So many things suddenly made sense.
Have I been diagnosed? No. Guess I never will be. Health insurance would cover it, yes, most likely. But learning how difficult it is to get a diagnosis even for "stereotypical" autists around here... well, that's a battle I won't fight. Plus - I do not think I "need" it (waiting lists are long and there are others who'd really need accommodations). I do not want/need any accommodations (beyond those I can get myself) at work (IT) or wherever. I get along quite well, I have learnt to (more or less) (had to) and it already helps me a lot to know about "it" to change my point of view on things, to accept some things, to make my life easier (like listening to my favourite music in the supermarket to avoid sensory overload). To know I'm not broken. Maybe someday I'll change my mind and dedicate it to imposter syndrome. Anyway, I only wish I could talk to someone about those everyday struggles my family/friends do not understand. A friendly exchange. New impulses. So that's why I'm here.

Some more random details:
I love languages (Finnish is my comfort language (though I'm not very good at it), my sanakirja (dictionary) my comfort item), the written word (reading and writing), fantasy novels (absolutely love the Lord of the Rings), quoting Macbeth (but not recognizing every quote), collecting pebbles, heavy metal music (prefer symphonic or folk metal usually). When I'm anxious I start to translate the things I see into every language I know as far as my (often limited) vocabulary lets me. So sometimes it's a bit difficult to find words through this mess of seven languages I know more or less (and the irrational fallback language patterns my brain invented, like Finnish and Spanish being linked).

Welcome to WP! I hope you find the pleasant conversations, and insights, you are looking for.

Hi! Welcome to WP! Finding out you are or may be autistic certainly is a trip. More than that, it's a journey towards understanding yourself and your needs better.

If you haven't already, I would check out the DSM 5 diagnostic criteria. I personally didn't think it was possible that I was autistic until I did that - lo and behold, so much of it was just a list of what I had thought were my childhood "quirks". I did have to dig deeper and interview my mom about the details on some things, mostly the social difficulties, as well as asking if she saw some of the early signs of autism for toddlers/infants when I was young.

Hey there!
Ah, I do understand that concept, the US Navy transferred my Dad every 2 years when I was a child.



Eh, no worries, it is a pretty good bet that you won't make any more mistakes with your English than we native speakers sometimes do.



Languages are interesting and I'm subscribed to some language YouTubers,
https://www.youtube.com/@Langfocus for example,
and have some books on language, and also on Constructed Languages, "Conlangs", but my brain just simply won't do linguistics at any kind of academic level or even at a level good enough for creating languages for a sci-fi story I sometimes play at writing.

Oh thanks for the warm welcome

@colliegrace yes, I have checked the criteria and I think I have made nearly every test I could find online (multiple times). On the German version of Aspie Quiz I score 135/200 for neurodiverse, 60/200 for neurotypical, but it's only an online quiz and no real "evidence", just hints, but they add up with all those other hints I find. I began to re-read the diaries I used to write (wouldn't talk to my parents because for my mum it's most important to state that "it" 's not "her fault") and it hurts to read how desperately I tried to fit in, how much I had to emphasize when I thought I was doing something just like "everyone else" does. And always wondering what happened, what have I done wrong in a situation, not being able to figure out why people where mad at me. Sensory issues as well, which I didn't understand until now.
Some time ago I told my cousin how I always tried to fit in and she smiled at me and said "well, you were never good at that" (she doesn't mean it in a bad way, but somehow I thought I'd managed better than that!).

@kitesandtrainsandcats I'm not as good as I'd wish to be at languages either. I thought I should be better, I mean, it's the thing I love! But I learnt that's not what I need them for. Of course it would be great to be very good at many languages. But most of the time, the pure joy to find a new Finnish word or to be able to express something new, is simply enough. I've learnt that languages are my way to relax and my best working coping mechanism. So I think maybe being perfect at a language may not be the only purpose of learning it.
I cannot watch youtube videos unfortunatelly, I find it very difficult to follow pictures and voice at once. It's exhausting for me. I use them more like a podcast then, if I really want to "see" one. TV is a bit easier, but I won't look at the screen all the time then.

And there's an example of how we autistics are each our own person there are plenty of YouTube videos which work for me but TV is guaranteed sensory overload with too many changes happening too fast in light and sound.
So I don't even have a television.
(and I've occasionally had to stop some YouTube videos for same reason)

That brings to mind a thing I've sometimes said to people, "Autism happens in a way which could be described as,
"There are 300 possible effects, so, here, roll this handful of dice and see which 15 you get."

I used to go around constantly talking to perfect strangers about my special interest - dogs. I thought this was evidence of my ADHD (hyperactivity including the trait of excessive talking), but apparently it can also be an autism thing (not grasping the social norm of avoiding strangers as a child)

Welcome

Welcome I have a similar journey like you I think. I love lord of the rings. I like and study languages. And right I am reading Malazan book of the fallen (fantasy) that I highly recommend.

A sweet welcome to WPea

welcome, I am a reader and a word person, glad you are with us

Thank you all for your kind words

I looked up the book and it sounds really good. I prefer stories that play in made-up worlds and only seldomly give those a chance that play in "real" places, like Bartimaeus by Jonathan Stroud (but I loved these books, would've been a shame to miss those, great humor). It's so difficult to tear apart which things told are part of reality and which are not if they play in real worlds and so I find myself checking names and places much too often (and I hate it if there are mistakes). Doesn't happen with completely made-up realms!
I like to write stories myself, but always stick with made-up places, I wouldn't get a line done if I'd triple-check everything (even though I only write for myself, as a means of processing life).

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!