Dating as a Fundie

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^^

{{{ hugs }}} I know it's all been hitting you lately. You've had more than enough crap on your plate with exploitation as an adult as well. People descend like vultures on the weak and vulnerable. That's why I wish you were allowed some kind of restitution from the government. They didn't protect your civil liberties and they knew you were affected if you were being homeschooled by a tax-exempt group known for this level of abuse and psychological torture. May as well send kids off to Gitmo, because it sounds the same to me. At least they'd be monitored there.

None of this is your fault. I'm sure you know that but I'll say it again. It's not even your fault that you're still processing it at your age now. It would take me a lifetime to process what you went through. Of course you love your parents too, despite it all. That causes even more cognitive dissonance. It set you up for the type of abuse and gaslighting you experienced in your marriage, and even in relationships after that. *clears throat*

I was SA as a child and had a lot of emotional abuse, so I know how it changes your world view. It became a repetitive cycle for me too, as you know. I guess I'm just saying I'm proud of you and I've got your back. This type of betrayal is NOT going to happen to you or your son again. I won't stand for it. Mark my words.

Last edited by IsabellaLinton on 02 Jun 2023, 10:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yep, they certainly think that. I can sympathize with them in a way. I would dread the idea of people asking me questions, especially about things like creation vs. evolution because I knew nothing whatsoever about evolution. I could parrot a few scriptures about their core beliefs, but that's about it. They will certainly avoid coming back with "sisters" (JW women). A couple of elders could come back at some point if Jehovah's direction the mood strikes them.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 02 Jun 2023, 10:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I heard it more than once that a child (especially a male child) must be "spirit broken" before he could be brought up right.  Breaking his spirit seemed to involve physical and emotional abuse, gaslighting, sleep deprivation, and a lot of manual labor.

So when I enlisted in the military, Boot Camp seemed very familiar to me.

Last edited by Fnord on 02 Jun 2023, 10:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm glad my parents stopped using corporal punishment when they noticed how it only made things worse. I genuinely worry about how badly things would have gone for me in a world where it was normalized further, or where it was normal into latter stages of life.

I would barricade myself, or arm myself, or both, or retaliate against property (and make it very clear why it had occurred). It kinda made corporal punishment completely nonviable because whatever lesson was meant to be taught would be lost under a way more serious situation that everyone understood didn't need to occur.

I was spanked and hit much more than my brother was. He was the perfect, golden child, and I was the black sheep even though I never did anything that was actually bad. I just questioned things and was inquisitive, wanting to know the whys, whereas my brother tended to obey commands as soon as they were asked. As I talked about in another thread, my brother was thrown into a wall once and other things happened to both of us which I don't remember. After that, my mom had to take parenting classes, but she was still abusive although she didn't do anything THAT extreme. Maybe she was less abusive towards him because she felt guilty. Who knows.

My dad was the most abusive. He would beat me with the belt and leave bruises and welts. My brother rarely got beat.

I think for us it had more to do with strain due to taking care of a physically disabled parent who was in and out of the hospital constantly. We weren't always, but we became a dysfunctional family. Our house was a war zone. I became the scapegoat child.

Thanks! I really appreciate the support. It's been a hard time for both of us. That's for sure.

Who made your mother take parenting classes, and were they secular?
I'm picturing the Duggars where that SOB son abused children and went to a Fundie counsellor.
I know that was sexual but I was incredulous that he didn't get REAL intervention.
I think he might be locked up now, finally.

Also, does your brother have children?

When it was ineffective, my parents assumed that it was because I hadn't been beat hard enough. Since my mom wasn't strong enough to make it hurt a sufficient amount, they started having just my dad do it. Rather than change the discipline, they just would add more and more. I didn't like being beaten with a belt by my dad when he was angry. I didn't like being beaten by my grandmother or aunts with wooden spoons, either.

I really cannot fathom wanting to intentionally hurt a child. It's worse than hurting a fellow adult.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 02 Jun 2023, 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Surprisingly, my mother went to a normal therapist, I think. The therapist told her that if she didn't take parenting classes she would call CPS. My brother has one son. We have similar values when it comes to parenting. My brother is a bit of a pushover, too. He's a peacemaker and can't stand conflict. It's probably why he's a PIMO (physically in, mentally out) JW. He's an atheist.

I can't stand the Duggars, but I can understand their situation in a few ways.

PIMO - I like that. Explains my life, too.

Do your parents know he's atheist?

How's it going living with them again? (Sorry if you don't want to talk about that, please don't).

They do not know he's an atheist. They think he's still a believer, so he's still the perfect golden child. My brother and I are friends, and we joke around about it sometimes. He was the first one to say that I was the black sheep of the family. They all, including extended family, disapprove of me since I'm not participating in church activities. My extended family full-on shuns me. I wasn't upset when my grandmother died recently. I mourned for her years ago, so I had no tears left.

Living with my parents isn't too bad right now. I'm mostly avoiding them and trying to do my own thing.

It's sad that he can't tell them, but you get all the flack.
I'm glad it's going relatively well being back with them.
At least you've had some time to chill out, and hike etc.

My dad was usually the one who did it. He didn't like to do it, but I'm also not sure it would have been possible to hit me hard enough to alter my behaviour radically, let alone avoid retaliation.

Corporal punishment requires cooperation, otherwise it's just a fight. Who really wants to get in a kicking and biting fight, after tearing down a door that they're going to have to replace, over something that maybe has another method for addressing.

If I started breaking s**t, there was no way to punish me further once the hitting me card was played. That's been tried and failed and made things worse and as long as it's threatened things ratchet up. How do you spank someone who's holding two knives and also about to kick a stool through the patio door? Do you lie to them and never be able to deescalate again? Do you rush them and force a bad outcome? Do you call the cops and risk even worse outcomes?

A reasonable adult has to de-escalate that situation. The hysterical, melting-down 9 year old sure as hell isn't capable of doing so, that's how all the metaphorical gasoline got splashed everywhere in the first place.

I could be an absolute terror, it wasn't my normal urge but it was easy to provoke if I felt cornered. I didn't like being placed in those situations so my mind often went to how to inflict as large of price tag as possible. Especially when it happened over s**t I had no control over, like having dirty snowpants because I had already gotten beaten up once that day.

{{{ FXE }}}



Were your parents religious or just really ill-equipped to handle parenting?

Sometimes I wish that he would tell them. If I express an opinion about something, my parents are typically dismissive. If my brother expresses the same opinion, it's valid. It's very frustrating. It feels like they don't respect me or my opinion at all, and I'm the person with the most education in the family. Of course, they don't think much of secular education, so maybe that actually works against me.

Anyway, yeah, it's frustrating that he never really sticks up for me when they are happily talking about how bad a person I am behind my back. On one of their family zoom calls, the extended family was reassuring my parents that my lack of spirituality wasn't their fault. Since I questioned the existed of God at 3 (it was actually 5 or 6 but whatever ), that proves that I was born bad. My brother said nothing. It's smart that he doesn't say anything, but it hurts, too. At the time, I was working with disabled kids. It's really just to the point of ridiculousness. I've never done anything that normal people would consider bad.