Dating as a Fundie

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{{{ FXE }}}



Were your parents religious or just really ill-equipped to handle parenting?

My dad was usually the one who did it. He didn't like to do it, but I'm also not sure it would have been possible to hit me hard enough to alter my behaviour radically, let alone avoid retaliation.

Corporal punishment requires cooperation, otherwise it's just a fight. Who really wants to get in a kicking and biting fight, after tearing down a door that they're going to have to replace, over something that maybe has another method for addressing.

If I started breaking s**t, there was no way to punish me further once the hitting me card was played. That's been tried and failed and made things worse and as long as it's threatened things ratchet up. How do you spank someone who's holding two knives and also about to kick a stool through the patio door? Do you lie to them and never be able to deescalate again? Do you rush them and force a bad outcome? Do you call the cops and risk even worse outcomes?

A reasonable adult has to de-escalate that situation. The hysterical, melting-down 9 year old sure as hell isn't capable of doing so, that's how all the metaphorical gasoline got splashed everywhere in the first place.

I could be an absolute terror, it wasn't my normal urge but it was easy to provoke if I felt cornered. I didn't like being placed in those situations so my mind often went to how to inflict as large of price tag as possible. Especially when it happened over s**t I had no control over, like having dirty snowpants because I had already gotten beaten up once that day.

Sometimes I wish that he would tell them. If I express an opinion about something, my parents are typically dismissive. If my brother expresses the same opinion, it's valid. It's very frustrating. It feels like they don't respect me or my opinion at all, and I'm the person with the most education in the family. Of course, they don't think much of secular education, so maybe that actually works against me.

Anyway, yeah, it's frustrating that he never really sticks up for me when they are happily talking about how bad a person I am behind my back. On one of their family zoom calls, the extended family was reassuring my parents that my lack of spirituality wasn't their fault. Since I questioned the existed of God at 3 (it was actually 5 or 6 but whatever ), that proves that I was born bad. My brother said nothing. It's smart that he doesn't say anything, but it hurts, too. At the time, I was working with disabled kids. It's really just to the point of ridiculousness. I've never done anything that normal people would consider bad.

Neither really, I was difficult and kinda obviously 'different' so they relied on doctors and experts and one school of thought at the time was 'just hit them', probably not unlike what Fnord said, only with more professional sounding rationalizations.

Thankfully, the period where that advice was guiding them was only a few years. Another expert gave them more 'there's areas where he's always going to struggle' advice, and combined with success when I was just lectured seemed to guide them towards that as the main approach.

I don't think they were particularly ill-equipped, they just struggled with a kid who didn't return affection, banged his head on the wall to the point of blacking out, struggled with sensory issues that couldn't be explained or understood, had behavioural issues at school, was prone to acting out, etc, not to mention the temper... it must have been frustrating and it's part of the reason I'm not having kids.

I couldn't raise me either, I'd almost certainly do worse, especially if I was the same age as they were.

Neither really, I was difficult and kinda obviously 'different' so they relied on doctors and experts and one school of thought at the time was 'just hit them', probably not unlike what Fnord said, only with more professional sounding rationalizations.

Thankfully, the period where that advice was guiding them was only a few years. Another expert gave them more 'there's areas where he's always going to struggle' advice, and combined with success when I was just lectured seemed to guide them towards that as the main approach.

I don't think they were particularly ill-equipped, they just struggled with a kid who didn't return affection, banged his head on the wall to the point of blacking out, struggled with sensory issues that couldn't be explained or understood, had behavioural issues at school, was prone to acting out, etc, not to mention the temper... it must have been frustrating and it's part of the reason I'm not having kids.

I couldn't raise me either, I'd almost certainly do worse, especially if I was the same age as they were.

My parents disapproved of advice from experts because nothing could compare to the perfect direction from Jehovah.

ANYWAY, my own kid is on the spectrum and has ADHD. He was a huge challenge for awhile - a much bigger challenge than I was according to my mom, but with proper supports (ADHD medication, play therapy, horse therapy, behavioral specialist), we got through it. It's probably somewhat easier for parents of kids on the spectrum these days because there is more knowledge and support out there.

It's good that your parents eventually found someone who offered decent advice. It's a shame that you had to deal with abuse for years before they found someone who was actually helpful.

Yeah, I get that. Are you dx ASD? I can't remember your diagnoses but I'm sure you were a handful, even though it wasn't your fault. My adopted son was a crack baby abandoned by both bio parents at age 3. He knew them and was rejected. He has ODD, ADHD, PDA, and a list of learning disabilities that would make your head spin. He tried to light my mother's house on fire (actually explode it with gas). He and his friends broke into my car when they were cruising the hood for drug money. They broke into a lot of cars, not just mine, but couldn't ignore mine or it might look obvious. He carried a blade, smoked pot around age 13, and couldn't be told no. He put his fist through my drywall several times, and burnt my kitchen wall when he forgot to shut off the stove. He was also the most loving kid you'd ever meet, and as of right now he's the most successful of them all living large in AUS doing a Marine Electrician course and working on yachts. He would kill for me in a heartbeat. I'm sure you're the same kind of son to your parents, despite it all.

It's OK. I wouldn't consider it a late-diagnosis in the big picture, but I know it must have been hard for you trying to make sense of what was going on. I understand about not wanting alphabet soup, too. It seems things have really calmed down for you and you're finally able to breathe.

I'm late-diagnosed. I was diagnosed in my 20s as a result of a mental health crisis. I had an ADD diagnosis though. My parents weren't big on having me tested and accumulating more diagnoses though, so the full picture is hard to understand.

I know as an adult I have quite a bit of alphabet soup, and some more might be on the table if the full picture was known earlier.

My parents didn't believe ADHD existed, so I grew up untreated. "ADHD is made up" is a common belief even among nonbelivers, but beliefs that reject science are very common in fundamentalist households.

It's shocking sometimes when I think of what was advised, and what was available for parents vs what's the norm now.

It seems hard to believe that everyone back in the good ol' days wasn't f****d up. Or maybe they were and that explains a lot.

Why did they decide to have children if times were only getting worse?

Why did they decide to have children if times were only getting worse?