Dating as a Fundie

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The following is the sort of stuff I grew up with:

Many people have chosen to stay single, so they can put Jehovah and His Kingdom first with few distractions. They have reaped many blessings from their whole-souled service. However, others have chosen to marry. For some of our dear brothers and sisters, marriage is the safest course because it keeps them from having sex outside of marriage and from [*gasp*] masturbating. Prayerfully consider 1 Corinthians 7:8-9:

God's people do not engage in casual dating unlike people in the world. Worldly people put undue importance on sex and the desires of the flesh rather than on pleasing Jehovah. They don't care about God's laws. The purpose of courting, on the other hand, is to find a "marriage mate." It's very serious, and it's certainly not something that anyone should take lightly. [It's even more awkward than it sounds. Flirting is strongly discouraged, but when it happens, it often carries a certain amount of pressure. Dating for them is like being engaged for normal folks.] People should only find marriage mates within God's organization with one of their spiritual brothers or sisters. Before dating, observe the person's behavior to see if he or she has qualities that would be desirable in a husband or wife. Consider asking one of the elders in your congregation about his or her spiritual state.

Once you've successfully found a suitable man or woman, you'll be wondering how to have a Godly courtship. In order to ensure that no serious wrongdoing occurs, it's important that the couple is chaperoned at all times. It goes without saying that men and women should never be alone with each other unless they are related or married, but the danger is even greater when there's romantic interest between a single man and woman. Even during the first date, the chaperone should make it clear that he or she is watching the potential, future husband and wife like a hawk. No wandering hands or other appendages are permitted. Many couples choose to wait until marriage is imminent and they are engaged to hold hands or kiss. It's so easy for things to escalate and get out of control. A small kiss could jeopardize one's relationship with Jehovah and the possibility of everlasting life because it could lead to other things. [Few people are as obsessed with sex as fundamentalists.]

A word of caution when it comes to the misuse of technology. Some have gotten themselves into trouble and hurt Jehovah by caving in to the pressure to sext or have phone sex. Many of our dear brothers and sisters have chosen to limit the time they spend communicating alone with their potential marriage mate on their cellular devices. Group texting and phone conversation in a public setting have proven to be safer options for many.

You may be wondering where you could go on dates with your potential, future spouse. It's a bad idea to go anywhere where alcohol is served for obvious reasons. Alcohol can lower your inhibitions which can lead to serious wrongdoing. In some cases, even among God's people, parties with alcohol have gotten so out of hand that orgies have occurred and multiple individuals had to be expulsed from the organization. With that word of caution out of the way, I will share with you some ways that courting couples and their chaperones can enjoy wholesome, upbuilding fellowship.

People can go to bowling allies, in the field ministry (preaching), on walks at a park to enjoy Jehovah's creation, or to dinner at the perspective in-laws' houses. Playing board games with the family can be an excellent way to get to know the other person and to see how they treat those they love. Bible trivia games or Bible study can upbuild you spiritually and help you see what's most important - your potential spouse's relationship with Jehovah. Who we marry can have a profound and lasting impact on our spirituality - so choose wisely. [Yes, that was an Indiana Jones reference.]

Sisters, take into account the qualities of the brother you are courting. Will he be a good spiritual head and take the lead in bringing you both closer to Jehovah? Will he be a good provider for the family? Can you see yourself submissively following his lead for eternity even during times when you would choose a different path if the decision were up to you?

Brothers, consider whether your future spouse has a submissive heart. Does she follow the lead of her father or of the men who are taking the lead in the congregation? Does she put undue importance on material possessions like clothes and jewelry? [It always goes there.] Brothers, you may be responsible for, not only your own everlasting life, but your wife's as well. Do not take this responsibility lightly. If she leaves the organization, you could be accountable to Jehovah.

Another word of caution: since emotions can quickly spiral out of control - leading to fornication, it's ill-advised to extend the relationship and put off marriage indefinitely. Many couples choose to court for 6 months before getting engaged, and then marry within 6 months of engagement. Anything more could jeopardize your relationship with our Heavenly Father. Don't forget that courting is serious. Since divorce is only acceptable when there's been adultery, the importance of choosing the right person who will upbuild you spiritually is vital. Clearly, courting should never be taken lightly.

Ya I can relate. Us in the church of Christ are told to marry within the church so we wont be unequally yoked but I am getting older with nobody to marry so its worrisome. I want to get married but It would not suprise me if I never found me a church of Christ wife. There's just simply no available women at my church to date so I am up a creek in the dating in church department.Also Its even more complicated for my situation because my religion is uncommon. Plus there are so many issues that divide the brotherhood that could keep a family from marrying into another church of Christ family.

I think it's a huge red flag when a religion tells you who you should or shouldn't date/marry. People who are religious (e.g. Christians) might have more in common with another religious person but restricting it to a specific denomination is absurd. That level of control often occurs in cults. As an atheist, I wouldn't date someone who was very religious. We'd be too incompatible and drive each other nuts.

For a moment, I felt concern that you were serious.  Now I see your were just illuminating the situation.

Yes, such cult-like behavior is a means of exerting control -- not just the cult leadership over the followers, but the more devout follower (usually the man) exerting power and authority over the partner (usually the woman).  It is exploitative and not really "Christian", either.

The church of Christ is just totally different on so many issues compared to Catholic, Baptist, Methodist or Lutheran.They are so different than the church of Christ that marriage would not work for me. I guess I should have moved to Abilene or Lubbock or Searcy a long time ago to find a woman at a church of Christ college. Right now I am just counting on staying single my whole life because I have not found a suitable woman from the church of Christ.

Last edited by Texasmoneyman300 on 02 Jun 2023, 7:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's hard to say you wouldn't be romantically compatible, it's more that you're theologically incompatible.

In theory you could find a Catholic or Baptist (or whatever) woman who's absolutely compatible, you'd just feel obliged to rule them out because their faith has theological disagreements with your faith.

I guess you could say thats a decent way of putting it.The only way I would be allowed to have a marriage with her would be if she converted to church of Christ. We call it missionary dating.It gets even more complicated because I like to drink alcohol every day and a lot of men in church would not want their daughters marrying me because I drink in moderation.But really I honestly dont know if I should ever married because I dont think I would be getting married for the right reasons because marriage is the only way I can have relations as a good church of Christ brother.

Yeah, I know about "missionary dating." It's a bad idea. I don't recommend it...at all. People shouldn't feel obligated to switch their faith just because that's what their partner wants.

In what ways is your religion "totally different" from other branches of Christianity? Have you been to other church services? I used to think the Christian cult I was in was totally different, but it was mostly just extreme in certain ways and wasn't fundamentally different about anything that should actually matter. It was just empty pettiness for the most part.

There's nothing wrong with being single, but if you don't really want to say to stay single, I think you should consider not unnecessarily limiting yourself. You could miss out on finding someone who could be great for you and who could contribute to your overall happiness. A decent god who's worthy of worship would want his worshippers to be happy, I think.

Yeah, that was pretty much my experience. Women are treated like children. Husbands are encouraged to correct their wives and give them religious instruction. I've seen it AND experienced it. If a male child gets baptized, which sometimes happens around the age of 9-12, he would have authority over adult women. If he's the only baptized male present when they meet to preach, he would be responsible for holding the mini service, organizing the car groups, and praying. Women, even baptized women, wouldn't be allowed to do these things in his presence, not even pray aloud.

When I complained about this stuff to my parents, I was the problem; I wasn't submissive enough. They couldn't admit it was a perfectly normal and legitimate thing to get upset about. It's really sad when misogyny has been internalized to the point that it doesn't bother people.

Anyway, I thought there was something wrong with me on the occasions where I was so pissed off I wanted to throw something. It turns out I just had a smidgeon of self-worth and a sense of fairness and justice.

We have quite a few differences. For example we believe you are saved when you come out of the water of baptism.We dont believe in tithing officially. We are mainly preterist. We believe in a Capella worship only. There is no clergy. There is no hierarchy above the congregational level. We take communion the Lord's Supper every sunday. We believe you can lose your salvation.Nobody is required to give any money to the church at my church.

^ For the most part, I don’t see why that would be a problem if you dated another Christian. Couldn’t you just avoid talking about theological differences? Many people believe in some of the things you consider different. Most of the things you mentioned seem sort of petty IMO. Isn’t the most important thing loving God and Jesus?

I’m so glad I am no longer a strict Christian. Being an atheist is more fun. It’s cleared away a lot mental restraints that stifled my selfhood.

The theological differences would be too great of a difference in terms of raising a family. Those issues are not petty if you are raised church of Christ. A lot of those issues are make-or-break tests of fellowship within the church of Christ but thats just how I view it.

I didn’t think the differences in my beliefs were petty, either, until I left my cult and could see things from an outsider’s/secular perspective.

In my opinion, a religion is pretty culty if it dictates who you can and can’t marry - even when it comes to other Christians. I think it’s a massive waste to be honest and is one of my gripes with religion in general.

This thread is about my experience/background with dating and misogyny in a Christian cult that I have left, so we may not share a similar perspective.

Fair enough.

Texasmoneyman, I think you would find that many mainline Christians do not care at all about the things you mentioned. They would be like “ok, teach the kids that. As long as they believe in Jesus.”

Your biggest stumbling block will be the submission of women to husbandly rule.

Texasmoneyman could create his own thread about subordinating women, perhaps in PPR, but I’d prefer people not do it in this thread as my posts should make abundantly clear. I’ve had enough of that elsewhere.

I actually wouldn’t recommend a separate thread for that because it would probably just get locked anyway.