So I posted a while back about turning 40 and I am ok with life. Well... to be honest, I am pretty depressed. There is no way out of this situation really. The TL;DR; is I think I married the wrong woman. Just moments ago my wife walked away from me going, "f**k you." So that was the end of a sh***y weekend.
We have 4 kids with one on the way, so like I said this is one of those "I am stuck in this situation" type things. Something happened this weekend that tipped me over the edge, but its been brewing for a long time.
I have a good career. I tolerate my job, and it gives good working conditions. I work from home now. I picked it because it would provide for a family, but I have no special love for the job itself.
My wife - she quit her job as soon as we got engaged and wanted to be an independent consultant in her field. Red Flag #1 to me now is that. When she tells the story, she quit her job to become a consultant because she got pregnant. But that's not true. She quit the job well before she got pregnant. She has this identity as "woman that does it all" - has career, stays at home with kids, etc.
On social media she gives this impression that she is super successful. In fact, one of our neighbors once assumed I was unemployed. In reality, she hardly makes anything. I make 95% of the money, easily. She spends so much time trying to be successful that I basically can't be as good at my career as I'd like to be. I could make more money if I really pushed it but she wants me helping with the kids and the house.
So what happened this weekend? Well, she told me today that someone that paid her for X amount of work wanted to cancel and wanted a refund for 2/3rds since she had only done 1/3rd. They paid ahead in full but decided to back out and wanted money back. She told me this - and then said she had a no refund policy. I thought that was kind of sh***y.
Then she said the money was already spent, so if we had to refund him - it would be $10,000. Now it all made sense, we had gotten a bill recently and I said "we should go on a payment plan" to pay this but then she goes, "its taken care of." Now it occurred to me - she used that guys money for work she hadn't done yet to pay it. Now he wanted it back, immediately.
Tonight, she was telling me that she thinks he can't legally get his money back. I told her she shouldn't have spent the money if she hadn't done the work yet, and that she messed up and I felt a little angry that she didn't inform me when we paid that bill about six weeks ago that we were paying with money that someone could reasonably demand back.
Her response? "f**k you" and she stormed off.
The entire marriage, I've realized I've gotten myself into a situation where I am stepping on eggshells of someone else's ego again. I grew up with a narcissistic father and we all knew as kids not to bruise his ego because he couldn't take it. A few years ago, I did and he stopped talking to me.
With my wife, its the same thing. I've realized you can't bring up certain things or she reacts this way.
I dont know what to do. She honestly makes my life more difficult. She expects me to do half the house work, half the cooking, half the childcare, and be home all day because of work from home. Oh, and I make like 95% of the money. Lately she has been demanding that we move to another state where she thinks she could get more business. But I keep saying no, because while I work from home I can go into the office when needed here because my employer has a lot of offices in this city (and none there). I keep thinking, if I move, it pretty much puts me on the "first to lay off" list and my job matters more.
If I had to sum up our marriage so far, its this incident from a few years back. I was going for a new job that was a raise, and I got it. On the weekend before the first day of the job, my car broke down. Like serious broken down - engine had holes in it or something. No worries! We still have her car right?? No, night before she gets in a car wreck, totals it because she was texting while driving. She won't admit it, but as a passenger I've seen her use the internet constantly while driving (not just texting). She totaled her car by running into the person ahead of her. It feels like the entire marriage has been like that - I am doing something to benefit all of us and she's just making it more difficult. She has been in an accident every single year (8 years) of marriage. She once backed into a car parked behind her! She doesn't pay attention.
What do you think? Was I a jerk tonight?
29 May 2023, 10:43 pm
