Do we get stuck on loving people?

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Well in that case I don't think it's "more common in autistics" to be loving and loyal to loved ones. The OP, plus many others here, are probably just loving sort of people, like many NTs are too.

I am generally very loyal to people...but...I've learned not to be. Because they rarely reciprocate, they aren't loyal to me and often get annoyed by my loyalty. People have to really prove themselves to me now before I'll be loyal to them. I've been hurt too often!

And also I've got a kind of kill switch in my head that just suddenly flips sometimes. I completely and absolutely lose interest in subjects and people in a second. I've no idea what causes this, I just don't stay interested in things or people indefinitely. That's why I never considered I had autism- because autistic people are 'supposed' to stay interested in subjects forever.

I am not sure how I've stayed married for 30 years. Obviously some people keep my interest!

But celebrities...I get completely obsessed with one of them, then completely lose interest after a few weeks/months. I could never set up a fan page for one of them because I just lose interest!

I used to get way too emotionally attached or aversed, easily, strongly and for long amounts of time, but then I realized that the song lyrics

"thin line between love and hate"
are correct.

Love is not the opposite of hate.

Love is similar to hate, in that they both often make someone unjustifiably preoccupied with something or someone, and cause someone to do things they later regret

Way too many precious lil "people" have ended up betraying my worthless corpse. Over and over again. 40 years old now. Relationships are like emotional labor

I have that. In terms of my marriage it's a little scary: I care for my spouse, but I would do without him and we both know it. Even with two children together I would walk (well, actually I would tell my spouse to walk). So it's either forever, or never. ---Past boyfriends have been perturbed by that: I was in really into them until I wasn't or they weren't. One boyfriend broke up with me and was completely taken aback by my happy response. Apparently I was supposed to be distraught. Inside I was agitated because the breakup was unexpected, but other than that - no significant loss - I was happy to have time back to myself and not to have to worry about relating and logistics, etc. ---My workplace was betting on my continued loyalty... I had been there for over 20 years. When they started treated me poorly I was supposed to put up with it (like many others did)... um, no. Forever or never. I "fought" to have them change their toxic ways (after all I was respected and "loved" by most and it would be easier to continue where'd I had established relationships), but it wasn't happening, so good bye!

I've only had two boyfriends so I haven't had that experience. However. I was devoted to my first boyfriend and devastated when he dumped me, but instead of pining after him, I thought 'f**k you' and found someone else within 6 weeks! I think everyone was surprised, especially when I married him and we've been happily married for 30 years! People expected me to pine after my ex but no thank you. I found someone better.

And work! hahaha. I've bamboozled quite a few workplaces which treated me badly, expecting that this nice, friendly little woman would just take the bad treatment. Er...no, this little woman had enough and went off into another job.

One job this was particularly satisfying. I had an ultimatum- get better at my job (as an assistant accountant) within 2 months or leave. They expected me to bow down and try my best. Nope. I'd had enough of the patronising, manipulative accounts department and I left. Only to get my Best. Job. Ever. As a teaching assistant. It was so satisfying to do that! How I laughed!

Can I ask how or where you met your husband, KitLily?

@KitLily, love it!! !

TBH, I had been too much of a complete id ee ott when it came to the "opposite sex" to be able to recognize what was love, and what was a longing to not be lonely. I for sure made 2 women my entire world, even though neither truly picked up on that. IOW, yes, I got stuck on, but I have not to this very day figured out how to show my love of another... that "sticks".

*sigh*

This is something I'm trying to understand: "serial monogamy" and "dating."

If I love someone with all my heart, they become a member of my family. If there are reasons why we need to split up, okay, but I can't imagine stopping loving them. It would be like deciding one day that I no longer love my mother.

To me, romantic partners are not interchangeable, but to all the rest of society they are.

(If I'm in a relationship that for some reason needs to split up, then yes I might get together with someone else, but I don't stop loving the first person. I love both of them.)

Yes, I was unemployed so my mum said, come and volunteer at my school instead of being lonely at home. It was a special school for disabled kids. My husband was training as a nurse for disabled people so he was on work placement there. So we met at that school! I thought, most 20 year old lads are too busy getting drunk, driving like maniacs and chasing girls, they don't care to look after tiny little disabled children. But my husband did and still does, well he works with all ages of disabled people. He is special

Yes, don't mess with me.

People have to annoy me quite a lot before I bite back but eventually I do.

That is the thing. If I love someone with all my heart, they become a member of my family. But...woe betide someone if they hurt me deeply. I might continue to love them but I slam that door with great force if they hurt me and from then on I keep out of their life.

I wonder if it's because I always knew my mother didn't particularly like me. I have never been good enough for her, I'm too sensitive, too annoying, too embarrassing, too whatever. I learned from a young age not to love her because all she does is manipulate me and my feelings. She's been like my jealous older sister for decades now.

Maybe Bee33 you have a lovely mother who treats you well? I hear that many people have those.

Last edited by KitLily on 04 Jun 2023, 4:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

I get that, but I don't feel it for people I don't love, like I am devestated a family cat died and my sisters last dog I loved both those animals so I was very sad about it, moreso the cat...I still dream about that cat. But yeah that was kind of devestating, but around the time an aunt of mine I honestly never cared for died and doesn't even phase me, but at the same time I feel like I am not quite recovered from that cat dying like I am still grieving about the cat, I don't care about my aunt I probably only saw 5 times in my life I'm still sad about a cat. But I loved that cat, not so sure if I felt that way about that aunt.
But somtimes I feel like 'am I a psyco because I only care about those animals dying and not people relatives that have died, but all my relatives who have died I never really had any bond with like I did with those animals. So it is probably normal to have more sadneess for animals you knew than people you didn't really know. or at least I would hope that is fairly normal.

But what I don't understand is the how. How do you cut them out of your life and slam the door? How do you manage to do that? Because I am sobbing every day that I can't see him or talk to him. I was calling him every day but now he doesn't take my calls. He said he reads my emails but doesn't answer them. (He has said that he is not angry, he just needs the space to calm down because it's been so emotional.) It is completely intolerable not to have him in my life and as my shoulder to lean on, which he has been for 40 years, since I was 18. It's unimaginable, and truly I would rather die, but I don't have the courage.

We're supposed to see a couples therapist together but it's taking a long time for the logistics. (3 appointments: one for each of us and one together, and hopefully more after that.)

I'm sorry your mother wasn't what she should have been for you. My mother has died and yes, she had her flaws, but she was always steadfast in her love for me, and mine for her was too. That is the same way I feel about this person.

I'm the same way, in theory anyway.
I haven't had the pleasure of two positive, loving relationships to find out.
I would never stop loving a person either, if they were lovable in the first place.

I think maybe we have a different definition of what love is, compared to some people.
I'm not saying our view is better. It clearly has its flaws. It's just different.

In my case I can still love the person and cry and be miserable, but know it's over.
That happens sometimes even if they've really hurt me.
I chose love over hate and malice, most of the time.
That doesn't mean I'll actively try to reunite, but I'll continue to love them.

Love and pain can coexist after a breakup or loss of friendship.
Many people assume it has to be one or the other.
I have room in my heart for both.

Because I get f*****g angry! How dare they treat me like that? I gave them my heart, my love, my support. And they just throw it back in my face and treat me like shlt! How. Dare. They.

It is all because at school I read Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens. The character Miss Havisham is jilted at the altar and spends the rest of her life pining after her fiancé, wearing her wedding dress, plotting revenge on him.

I decided I would not be like that. I would not let a man (or anyone) do that to me. I would move on asap and go by the motto the best revenge is to live well. Which is 100% true. Nothing annoys people more than seeing you flourishing without them after they treated you badly.

So I did! I got revenge by living well. I made the best life I could for myself and put the ex boyfriend in the back of my mind. I think he was surprised when he found out recently that I'd moved on quickly after him, and been happily married for so many years. I think he liked to imagine I had fallen apart and struggled after he dumped me. But no. I moved on to better things. Thank you Charles Dickens