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Twiglet
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24 Sep 2023, 4:51 am

Hi,
Most autistic women I know about always seem to be married with kids. They make me feel miserable and inadequate because that's what I want, but I don't have it and am never likely to.
Are there any women here older than 35 that have no partner or kids, despite wanting them?



bee33
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24 Sep 2023, 5:45 am

I have never wanted children but I very much want a partner. I've had two long term relationships in the past but now I feel that I might be alone for the rest of my days and that is very painful to contemplate. I like to be with my partner all the time, 24 hours a day if possible.

I am 59 years old.



Twiglet
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24 Sep 2023, 7:31 am

bee33 wrote:
I have never wanted children but I very much want a partner. I've had two long term relationships in the past but now I feel that I might be alone for the rest of my days and that is very painful to contemplate. I like to be with my partner all the time, 24 hours a day if possible.

I am 59 years old.


Why did you never want children? Not having children is probably my biggest regret, so anything that can help me feel better about not having them would be good!



bee33
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24 Sep 2023, 10:18 am

There's a fair amount of research that finds that people who don't have kids are happier. That seems to be primarily because taking care of kids and worrying about them is so stressful. For people with ASD, those stresses could be even more severe, since many things are more difficult (at least for me, but I think for many).
https://www.cnbc.com/2021/03/16/does-ha ... ained.html

But I'm sure it's different from person to person.

For me, I just never have wanted the responsibility or the constant concern and care and worry. I need time to recharge and and to think, and it's just not possible with kids, who will always need care and attention.



Twiglet
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24 Sep 2023, 11:37 am

Thank you for sharing that article. It was very interesting.

I particularly found the bit about life satisfaction interesting. I think that's my main problem... I have very little life satisfaction. I feel like there are certain things that should be achieved in life for your life to be deemed a success:
get a job, get married, have kids. I have achieved none of those things, so I'm a complete failure :(



Mrs.Gone
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24 Sep 2023, 11:54 am

I don't have kids, no partner. Sometimes I feel sad about this, sometimes it's a relief. I was lucky enough to have "special interests" for most of my life; it has made things easier for me.


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24 Sep 2023, 12:06 pm

no kidz,,possibly a partner someday....outlooks for this, are better than a year ago...had resigned myself to being alone till end of days. But think no kidz allowed to grow in myself as a Aspie and deal with things. Things that if I had not dealt with them.. and then ,eventually learned about me. :mrgreen: ..Would not have been a good fit as a parent . :(


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bee33
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24 Sep 2023, 9:40 pm

Twiglet wrote:
Thank you for sharing that article. It was very interesting.

I particularly found the bit about life satisfaction interesting. I think that's my main problem... I have very little life satisfaction. I feel like there are certain things that should be achieved in life for your life to be deemed a success:
get a job, get married, have kids. I have achieved none of those things, so I'm a complete failure :(

I have been seeing a lot of this very concern here on WP and I'm thinking of making a topic about it, because it's a notion of "success" that is completely external and doesn't actually apply to any individual, especially not individuals with ASD or any disability. There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all version of success in life. What is successful for each of us is what works for us and what is possible for us. It's only chasing disappointment to strive for something that may not even be possible, but it's also that chasing something that might not even be right for us in the first place and that might not even feel like success if we were to achieve it may not make any sense for us personally.

I would like a partner not because it would mean I was successful but because it would ease my pain and allow me to be content and joyful. It hurts tremendously that I don't have that, but not because I worry that it makes me not "successful."

A career or job are not possible for me (I have a disability in addition to ASD) but I don't want them and am lucky enough to be able to survive without them. I don't feel in any way "unsuccessful" for not having them. Same with having children.

It's different for everyone, but I think it's helpful to figure out what is right for you and what is achievable for you (and whether the effort of achieving it is something that you actually want to expend) rather than looking to some arbitrary external measure of what is generally thought of as success by a nebulous entity like "society."



Twiglet
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26 Sep 2023, 7:43 am

bee33 wrote:
I have been seeing a lot of this very concern here on WP and I'm thinking of making a topic about it, because it's a notion of "success" that is completely external and doesn't actually apply to any individual, especially not individuals with ASD or any disability.


I think you should make a topic about it. Please let me know if you do.

Feeling I've made a success of my life is one reason why I want those things, but it's not the only reason. I enjoy being able to devote myself to someone and to love them with all my heart, which is why I would like kids and a partner. I get joy out of making someone else happy. I don't know if I'd be able to cope with having kids because I've never had one. I'd like to think that with the help of a good partner, I'd be able to cope.

I want a job because society sees the jobless as worthless layabouts. I don't want to be seen as a worthless layabout and I worry in case maybe I am a worthless layabout. There is nothing physically preventing me from getting one, just mental issues... what if that means I'm just not trying hard enough, or I complain more than normal people instead of putting up with stuff and getting on with things? I don't know how horrible your life has to be before you can say... hey, I really can't cope, it's not my fault, I have legitimate problems and issues that most other people don't have and that's why I can't cope. At what level of non-physical disability can you stop feeling guilty about failing at life?

Maybe it's because I was late diagnosed, so I grew up having to do things no matter if it half killed me. My feelings and well-being didn't matter. Whether I enjoyed doing things or not was irrelevant. Getting such and such done mattered because that was what was expected of me and I was not given a choice to not do them. Since getting diagnosed, I've been stopping things that I think are bad for my health, but I always worry that I'm now just using excuses and being lazy and I should just keep doing things. After all, I used to do things so I must be capable... I did things despite crying all the time, feeling suicidal, having extreme anxiety etc... no-one noticed or cared so maybe that is just what life is like for everyone?



bee33
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27 Sep 2023, 8:45 am

If it's causing you this much distress, I don't think it's possible that you could just not be trying hard enough, or complaining. Surely if it was a matter of trying, and it was doable, you would do it, if for no other reason than to lessen your distress.

If you are finding that you can't cope and you are miserable, then that is your sign that you have legitimate problems that are causing this. No one would choose to do this on purpose, and you know that you are not choosing to do it on purpose.

You are being very hard on yourself. If you saw someone else experiencing the same struggles you are experiencing, you would not berate them and harangue them and tell them to buck up and get their s**t together. So why be so hard on yourself when you would not be this hard on someone else?

When you were younger you were forced to do things under duress. That does not mean that those things were actually doable for you, just that you had to go beyond your ability to cope because you had no choice. That is not good or healthy for you.

Please try to be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. We all do what we can, it's never perfect and sometimes it does not even feel adequate, but it's what we can do.



Esme
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22 Oct 2023, 10:49 am

Same. No partner, no kids, no 'proper' career. However, I've found alternative ways to feel like I have a life.

I gave up on finding a husband and got more involved with the alt/kink community in various ways. It's not what I would have chosen, but since I can't have a 'normal' married life then it's a good alternative outlet and I've met some very cool people as a result.

I can't physically have kids due to injury. But I have a huge family and a lot of younger cousins/nephews/niece that I get to be very involved with. So at this point I've had enough sleepless nights and changed enough nappies that I feel as if I've got the 'mothering thing' out of my system! If I'm ever feeling broody and want to hang out with kids, then there is always someone who is more than happy to throw their child at me so they can have a break! I also get to do more of the fun stuff, since I'm not 'mum' or 'dad'! :D

I was working full time (sometimes 2-3 jobs) constantly from a young age, up to my mid 30s. Then was pushed out of a career and had my reputation trashed by some not great people. Although I'd mainly had good experiences up to that point, so I can't really complain when I hear some of the horror stories from other people. 99% of the people I worked with were great. Even at that place, most of the employees were lovely and just got dragged into things due to lies. I now work for myself, which is 'different' and something that I recommend other people look into if you are struggling to build a regular career path. I personally miss the social interaction you get working in an office, but I'm not sure I want to risk dealing with what I went through again. I'm not good at picking up on all the cloak and dagger stuff, so despite being less naive these days I'm still an easy target. But I'm a workaholic and don't mind being the decision maker, so running my own company doesn't bother me in that sense. I think I'll enjoy it a lot more once I can expand and afford to hire people long term. Then I can have humans to hang out with once more (and I can post ads on here, as I find it 100 x easier to work with aspies!). But it's still too early days for that.

So perhaps write a list of the goals you wanted in life, break them down into components, then think about whether there are other ways you can achieve some/all of those components through other methods?

I would also look into codependency, as the part about wanting to spend all day every with with a partner isn't healthy. Even if you're married to someone, you should both have individual interests. Otherwise, you quickly run out of anything to talk about and the relationship quickly becomes stale and boring.



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23 Oct 2023, 8:19 am

Sounds like good advise in the above Posting ... :mrgreen: .. Have heard to be very careful or about or outright NOT trying to turn employees into friends usually . :|....???


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blitzkrieg
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23 Oct 2023, 8:33 am

Twiglet wrote:
Hi,
Most autistic women I know about always seem to be married with kids. They make me feel miserable and inadequate because that's what I want, but I don't have it and am never likely to.
Are there any women here older than 35 that have no partner or kids, despite wanting them?


Nobody has to be married or have kids and to bring yourself happiness, I would try to come to terms with that fact.

Try to move the goal-posts of ambition so that it reflects less the ideal of what society values and more what is beneficial for yourself, and I am sure you will be able to be content with what you have.

It is just a matter of mindset.



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Deinonychus
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24 Oct 2023, 12:11 am

< 35 years old.

No kids, not married and I am now single.
I don’t feel bad about it.
I couldn't care less about social rules for intimate life choices.
But I continue to worry about the lack of social recognition for my choices outside my intimate life: I feel rather bad because I don't have much autonomy and I don't have any emancipation whatsoever.
At my age, I never knew what it felt like to buy something with money that belonged to me. Not even money I'd have earned because I'm unable to work ... just money from a disability pension.

Buuuut … I don't take kindly to the fact of being sexless and having no affection ...