Being accused of “not communicating your needs”

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BugsBunnyFan
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18 Nov 2023, 3:16 pm

It seems like lately people have been accusing me of not “communicating my needs” whenever I have any issues with people. I hate this trend. I love how people assume I’m not putting tremendous amounts of effort into communicating with people. It’s also naive to assume “communicating your needs” will magically solve all my issues. I’m also not capable of really communicating much of anything when I’m in emotional distress. I’ve told people that countless times. Yet I’m expected to be able to say exactly what I need whenever I feel overwhelmed. Forget about it. Apparently it’s not good enough to “communicate my needs” ahead of time. I’m guessing people also expect me to communicate better than the average person just because I’m hyperverbal. f**k that!



IsabellaLinton
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18 Nov 2023, 3:17 pm

Tell them to FO, from Isabella.



DirkGently69
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18 Nov 2023, 3:21 pm

I have trouble identifying what my needs are. I’m supposed to magically know. I’ve only recently been diagnosed, but people have already started assuming that because I now have the diagnosis, all my questions must have been answered. I feel your frustration.



IsabellaLinton
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18 Nov 2023, 3:34 pm

I'm mute, I have Alexithymia, I have brain damage from strokes, and I have CPTSD with Panic Disorder.
That's on top of ASD2 and ADHD-C.

F*** if I know what my needs are, and F*** if I can express them.

I don't expect people to know what my needs are.
No one has to read my mind.
I know that's not fair.

If something goes wrong and I explain my point of view, they'd better take my word for it though.



BugsBunnyFan
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18 Nov 2023, 5:14 pm

DirkGently69 wrote:
I have trouble identifying what my needs are. I’m supposed to magically know. I’ve only recently been diagnosed, but people have already started assuming that because I now have the diagnosis, all my questions must have been answered. I feel your frustration.

Maybe that’s the issue. They expect me to know my own needs better than the average NT just because I have some stupid diagnosis.

IsabellaLinton wrote:
If something goes wrong and I explain my point of view, they'd better take my word for it though.


That’s part of the issue. All the effort I put into explaining any issues goes to waste. As soon as I have any issues, people suddenly expect me to be perfectly articulate and tell them precisely what I need in the moment. Even though I’ve told them a million times I can’t do that. When I tell people I can’t do something they’re never willing to believe me. They also don’t respect my needs, unless they 100% understand why I need something. f**k that. I don’t even know why I have a lot of needs. I just do. I guess since I’m hyperverbal, they mistake that as being able to be 100% articulate 100% of the time. I don’t think anyone expects that of NTs.



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18 Nov 2023, 10:41 pm

Omg. Yes and yes. Thank you.

When I get to a point where I need say what I need in that moment, I can't express those needs to anyone.. I'm beyond done at that point and incapable of coherent communication. It sucks so much. I'm no future teller. I can't always predict when stuff will hit the fan with me. I do my best to say this stuff beforehand and warn folks about my issues just in case, but seriously, oops moments will happen. No one is perfect. I get told a lot I don't communicate this stuff effectively and ask for help, but I feel like I do communicate when I'm okay (because that's the only time when I can) and people don't take me seriously because I'm okay then, and then get annoyed with me for not telling me about issues I have when they arise, and I can't and start shutting down. It's like I can't win with these people. I'm either too okay to be taken seriously or too jacked up to ask for help and criticized for it later. And lets' not even get into my inability to recognize my own needs. Bloody hell. And people wonder why I prefer to be a solo being. Other people are so hard. Gah.



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19 Nov 2023, 9:07 am

Nope, never happens to me. As a teenager, I kept being told I was too vocal about my needs and in general, so as an adult, I've been working on toning it down. Of course, communicating my needs doesn't automatically mean that what I say gets understood, though I'm convinced that sometimes people just pretend to not understand.



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19 Nov 2023, 9:35 am

BugsBunnyFan wrote:
That’s part of the issue. All the effort I put into explaining any issues goes to waste. As soon as I have any issues, people suddenly expect me to be perfectly articulate and tell them precisely what I need in the moment. Even though I’ve told them a million times I can’t do that. When I tell people I can’t do something they’re never willing to believe me. They also don’t respect my needs, unless they 100% understand why I need something. f**k that. I don’t even know why I have a lot of needs. I just do.


I know. I agree with this, and that's how I feel as well.

When I said "they'd better take my word for it", those words aren't always articulate in the moment. I might just say something like "leave me alone", or "I'm having a meltdown", or "I'm in shutdown", but that never seems to matter to them no matter how much I explain it at better times.

I have a situation where I've been in an acute, major shutdown since April (within my original shutdown which has been years.) I keep telling people that I don't have the energy to write or communicate or keep up like I normally would, and not to take it personally. I remind them what I've been going through which in itself is taxing, and counterproductive for my shutdown. It doesn't seem to make a difference because some of them don't get it. People seem to think if I'm active online posting stuff at my own pace I must be willing and able to engage in PM, share my feelings, and support theirs.

So sorry folks. I've checked out in that department, and it has nothing to do with any of you.



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19 Nov 2023, 12:22 pm

It's easy for me to 'just communicate' and tell what I need.


But communicate the way they would want -- without pissing them off, without some form of conflict, without some form of wizardry in wording, tone and timing -- not really.


Yeah sure...
It's like having to accomodate them first before accomodate us.

That's just another frustrating layer that's just resting above or the middle of having to be articulate.



But then in my case...
I never bothered my needs or even my wants to anyone. Unless it is more than certain that they are capable of having such choice.

Not mainly because of communication and the frustration... I can try and "be obvious subtle" by expressing displeasure or nonverbal some sort; they'd figure -- or rather, guess.

However, because I grew up very disappointed -- and I see other people as helpless and clueless that even a perfect performance in communication just didn't matter.

I just had to discern if they're even capable of giving a solution to me -- let alone to even see if I had to be responsible for regulating their emotions.


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Fnord
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19 Nov 2023, 6:15 pm

For some people, being accused of "not communicating your needs" is a valid claim.

When she said, "Is it a little cold in here?" she really meant, "Close the window!"

When she said, "Are you hungry?" she really meant, "Feed me!"

When she said, "We need to talk." she really meant "I'll talk, you'll listen."

When she said, "Does this make me look fat?" she really meant "Tell me I'm beautiful. / Tell me you love me."

(I hope me ex-wife is reading this.)


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Edna3362
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19 Nov 2023, 7:32 pm

Fnord wrote:
For some people, being accused of "not communicating your needs" is a valid claim.

When she said, "Is it a little cold in here?" she really meant, "Close the window!"

When she said, "Are you hungry?" she really meant, "Feed me!"

When she said, "We need to talk." she really meant "I'll talk, you'll listen."

When she said, "Does this make me look fat?" she really meant "Tell me I'm beautiful. / Tell me you love me."

(I hope me ex-wife is reading this.)

That's sort of how I "learned" how to "communicate" -- because others around me respond to such mode of communication.

I wish I was this... Concise talker than someone who habitually communicates in a roundabout way.

Oh, and there are also layers to that. :|
It's not just the words and wording, but also the space and volume and who's around.

Apparently, I am usually "too loud"and assume things, when they all do not take the literal meaning of what I say.


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Weight Of Memory
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19 Nov 2023, 11:09 pm

I've noticed when I'm uncertain I tend to be very communicative as I'm trying to figure things out, but when I'm certain I'm less communicative.

I sometimes think about things so much, especially before I do them, that I can't remember what I have or haven't communicated.



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20 Nov 2023, 3:25 pm

Weight Of Memory wrote:
I've noticed when I'm uncertain I tend to be very communicative as I'm trying to figure things out, but when I'm certain I'm less communicative.

I sometimes think about things so much, especially before I do them, that I can't remember what I have or haven't communicated.

I guess that’s somewhat true of me. Except with emotions. I have no trouble telling people how I feel when I know how I feel. Unfortunately people tend to ask how I feel when I have no clue. Even complete strangers at one point.



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20 Nov 2023, 5:59 pm

My experience is that people in general don't communicate their needs clearly at all, so I don't know what the OP's associates are griping about. In any case, it's a stupid thing to say to somebody if the idea is to influence them. Too critical. I like to think that if it were me I'd have waited for a suitable moment and asked "was there something I could have done for you that I didn't do?"



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21 Nov 2023, 11:25 am

People don't have to know what my needs are, so there.


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BugsBunnyFan
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21 Nov 2023, 5:05 pm

ToughDiamond wrote:
My experience is that people in general don't communicate their needs clearly at all, so I don't know what the OP's associates are griping about. In any case, it's a stupid thing to say to somebody if the idea is to influence them. Too critical. I like to think that if it were me I'd have waited for a suitable moment and asked "was there something I could have done for you that I didn't do?"

It’s some BS self-help trend to act like communicating your needs will solve all your problems. I know my mom is into that BS trend. Whenever I’m freaking out about anything she straight up asks “what do you need?”. Well I need her to stop asking that question. Especially if I’m deregulated. That’s a terrible question to begin with. Especially when it’s phrased that way and especially when I’m not fully regulated. Another thing she told me is to ask my body what I need. Well my body just wants to tell her to f**k off.