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Cactuscreature
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19 Nov 2023, 7:44 am

Understanding Autistic BF

I'm going to give you information on a situation with my boyfriend. He has autism and we have been together over a year. Its been difficult particularly when it comes to girls. He was speaking to and hanging out with his exs or girls he met on dating sites before me. When we go out he stares at other girls alot. The above we have talked through and I am continously trying to be empathic and understanding and trusting his intentions.

Recently, i am particularly uncomfortable by one of the girls as I didnt realise how much they messaged and how close they had gotten. He says they weren't that close at school. He seemed sad the other day when he said she isn't messaging him as much. Apparently he bumped into her in the car park. She lives across the road from him. After this he said they had eachother on instagram already and she messaged him. I don't believe this is true. He started following her sometime this year and she only followed him back recently. She is recently single. He said he didn't know but its in her insta bio.

He went to another rekindled friends 30th party, and the other girl encouraged him to go so they went together - he picked her up and bought her a drink. This was at a time when i didnt get anything bought for me, i was paying for everything. I asked if they know he has a girlfriend and he didnt give me an answer.

Another girl, he only advised after the party that he speaks to on and off as they were friends in school. She was in a relationship where she has had two kids and She posted asking about gyms. He responds saying about going to the gym together. At party she told him she isn't with that guy anymore, asking him to dance. He didn't dance and did say he didn't realise she was single and he didnt message her for that purpose.

A few other girls heard them talking about the gym and now want to go gym with him and messaged him about it. Hes in a group chat with the girls being invited to concerts etc.

Comments on how some of the girls have lost weight and look really good, and recounts the outfits they wear.

I have discussed with him how I do not feel this is appropriate and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I felt like, for someone who says he's honest, hasn't been very honest about this. We are meant to be a team and this is giving shady vibes.

He is super defensive of his phone. I cant even touch it to move it or put on charge for him so that would be out the window to ask him to show me. This is due to his ex invading his privacy. I have expressed this has nothing to do with me wanting to invade his privacy.

I dont know, im really struggling. He mentioned the gym girl the other day and I joked about sliding into her DMs. He got very defensive and said he didn't know what inwas talking about. I said about the situation and he said 'oh yeah you didn't like me going to a party with girls'. This really hurt me. I felt misunderstood. It's not about jealousy. I jsut feel disrespected.

I feel I am trying to be understanding but I feel.mugged off.

Any advice please - I cant talk to anyone else about this



nick007
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19 Nov 2023, 5:22 pm

I'll be blunt here. I have two theories about this. Theory one is that he is completely clueless about boundaries with women friends & he is incapable of understanding your side. Theory two is that he is wanting to cheat on you with them or considering leaving you for them. Either case you have tried talking to him & explaining your side multiple times & his behavior is not changing. You can either tolerate his behaviour or end the relationship & try to find someone who will be more faithfull to you. As a side-note, lots of autistic guys have very few friends & majorly struggle to get most any relationship. His behavior does not fit the profile of a typical autistic guy within a relationship. I'm mentioning that because unfortunately there's been a bit of women on here in the past who self-diagnosed their guys as being autistic in an attempt to excuse him being a d!ck who just is not really into them or is an abusive aHole. I'm NOT saying that your guy cant be autistic, just that his behaviour you mentioned is not typical with autistic guys so there's something else going on if he is autistic.


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honeytoast
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20 Nov 2023, 9:11 am

I think he's cheating on you and is using autism as an excuse to get away with it.


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NobodyNothingJr
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20 Nov 2023, 9:24 am

nick007 wrote:
I'll be blunt here. I have two theories about this. Theory one is that he is completely clueless about boundaries with women friends & he is incapable of understanding your side. Theory two is that he is wanting to cheat on you with them or considering leaving you for them. Either case you have tried talking to him & explaining your side multiple times & his behavior is not changing. You can either tolerate his behaviour or end the relationship & try to find someone who will be more faithfull to you. As a side-note, lots of autistic guys have very few friends & majorly struggle to get most any relationship. His behavior does not fit the profile of a typical autistic guy within a relationship. I'm mentioning that because unfortunately there's been a bit of women on here in the past who self-diagnosed their guys as being autistic in an attempt to excuse him being a d!ck who just is not really into them or is an abusive aHole. I'm NOT saying that your guy cant be autistic, just that his behaviour you mentioned is not typical with autistic guys so there's something else going on if he is autistic.



I agree, this sounds really suspicious that he has a whole group chat with multiple women and even going to parties and gym with them. Very perplexing. Also, in general autism or not, a red flag is a red flag. A good partner wouldn’t panic anytime you touch their phone that’s a massive red flag but that’s just one of many you’ve stated.

My advice you deserve a better partner, time to move on.



BTDT
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20 Nov 2023, 9:36 am

Remember that everyone's autism is different. Apparently his doesn't get in the way of hooking up with girls.
But, it does seem like he is different in some ways.
As a rule, he isn't going to change.
If you don't like the way he is now you should move on.
Guys don't change.



rse92
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20 Nov 2023, 12:50 pm

Dump him and move on.



nick007
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20 Nov 2023, 5:23 pm

BTDT wrote:
Guys don't change.
There's a saying that men enter relationships expecting their partner to stay the same & that women enter relationships expecting tbeir partner to change but it's the opposite in my current relationship. I've changed quite a bit in some ways & Cass kinda wishes I had changed less, whereas Cass has stayed the same for the most part & I would kinda like her to change more. Neither of us conform to gender stereotypes thou & Cass likes to joke that I'm slghtly more of a woman than her & she's slightly more of a man than me.


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elotepreparado
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08 Feb 2024, 11:25 am

Autistic guys can be cheaters, too. Like this one.

You should leave him if he can't make those boundaries for the both of you and if he will not work with you. Even if it were all a big misunderstanding and he couldn't create boundaries, it is still better for you to leave the relationship if it is hurting you and making you overly cautious.

Another more personal take: Even if his issues are autism related, I don't think that this means you are obligated to deal with it especially since you are getting hurt and there would be a chance of this issue repeating itself in the future without constant communication.



WantToHaveALife
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18 Feb 2024, 1:07 am

i assume he was the one who asked you out and courted you



cyberdad
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18 Feb 2024, 1:35 am

Cactuscreature wrote:
When we go out he stares at other girls alot.


I'm afraid this gives his game away. He's still playing the field and probably keeping his options open. I'm not saying he wont stay with you, but he probably open to situations where he might cheat (if the opportunity arises) or worse, he will move on if he finds somebody he perceives as "better" (whatever that means to him).