Relationship troubles

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This will most likely be long-winded and I apologize in advance.

My best friend, Justin, and my wife's best friend, I'll call her Betsy, had been dating for nearly three years. They are the couple that actually introduced us to each other. Recently, they broke up. It wasn't a pretty situation. It turns out that Betsy had been unfaithful throughout the entirety of the relationship. All the while telling Justin that she loved him dearly. I won't go too far into detail because some of her exploits are very disturbing. Let's just say that when my wife asked her who the other partners were, Betsy couldn't name them all and was unable to count how many times.

It's common knowledge in our circle that Betsy likes her booze and every infidelity occurred while she was inebriated. She uses this as an excuse for her impropriety. I don't feel that it is a credible excuse. Maybe the first time was a forgivable mistake but after that, there should be no excuse.

Justin is a tender-hearted man that was deeply in love with Betsy and, needless to say, he is devastated, broken.

When the break up occurred, I told my wife that we needed to stay out of it completely because nothing good could come of it. Immediately after we agreed that this would be the proper course of action, Betsy called and asked if she could stay in our spare room for a few days. Without consulting me, my wife said that it would be okay. As soon as she hung up the phone, Justin knocked on our door. He stayed and drank heavily until Betsy showed up and then they had a loud argument in our front yard. Did I mention, that I have a 16 month old son that was present for all of this?

So we were thrust into the middle of the situation and have been fighting about it since. I can't help but feel that Betsy is a dirty (expletive deleted) and she is all in all a bad person. My wife agrees that she made many mistakes but still defends her as a good person and not a dirty tramp. This is where the AS comes in...I ask my wife, logically, what makes a bad person and what makes a girl a tramp? She answers by listing everything Betsy has done wrong...lying, cheating, and harming her fellow humans but insists that Betsy is not a bad person she just made "a few mistakes". In my mind it's not "a few mistakes" if you can't count how many times you've screwed up.

The thing that bothers me the most is how easily she got away with it. Justin had no idea and would have never figured it out if my wife hadn't forced Betsy to tell him. It makes my VERY nervous about my own relationship. This isn't the first of my wife's friends to do something like this and, in fact, her family has a long history of infidelity starting with her brothers and sister on through her mother up to her grandfather.

So, logically, I have a lot to fear, right?
1. She doesn't feel that Betsy should be held accountable for her actions
2. She adamantly denies that cheating makes you a bad person.
3. Her family history points to many generations of infidelity.

I have told her these things but she says that love and trust should count for something. While, I agree that it should, my stone-cold logic tells me that it is highly likely that she is cheating on me or will in the future. I tend to miss the broad picture sometimes, maybe there's something that I'm missing.

Has anyone else had any problems with trust when all the signs say otherwise? Or do think that my fears are feasible. Any other advice is welcome.

That Elvis song..."suspicious minds"....comes to mind.

There are many different ways of looking at the situation but my 2 cents are..

Your relationship is important....you have a kid...so um...it is necc that things don't get out of hand. You should not suspect your wife of cheating on the basis that it runs in the family. I have never heard of infidelity being a genetic trait..

I have had friends who have cheated on their partners, and i still remained friends with them...infidelity is rotten because it hurts the people who are cheated on, but it does not disqualify people from the human race....it is something that humans do...(i.e. don't base your suspicions of your wife on the fact that she chose to help her friend rather than ostracise her...even if it did bring turmoil into your home)

ummmmm......that's all I can think of to say at the moment.

I didn't mean to make it sound like it's based solely on it running in her family. I know that it's not genetic but if she was raised in a household with loose morals there is, logically, a higher chance for her to follow the same path.

If I understand the situation correctly, you are attempting to calculate the likelihood of your wife straying, based on general sociological observations/assumptions and the fact that she refuses to slap someone with a damning label due to that person's transgressions. You don't seem to grasp just how damaging this attitude could be to your relationship. Hopefully you'll think about it.

Here's my opinion: what you should be appreciative of, in this situation, is the fact that your wife did agree that this woman's behavior was wrong. Going by what you say, she made it quite clear that she believes cheating and a whole lot of other acts to be vile. Furthermore, your wife is demonstrating a rare ability to be forgiving and regard other people as complex human beings, rather than being hateful toward wrongdoers. Since you're not likely to be perfect yourself, this compassionate nature of hers is a bonus for you, not a threat. You, on the other hand, appear to be judging her for something she hasn't even done yet.

No, it is not logical to punish your wife for the failings of her friends and relatives, nor is it reasonable to expect her to look down on them. You should start suspecting her of cheating when you have evidence that she herself is doing so. Not before.

If you're not careful, you could contribute heavily to your own worst nightmare.

Actually,I think it could work either way.Sometimes seeing mesed up things make you Less likely to repeat them and sometimes you relive them in your own life because it is "familiar".

There maybe something in your wifes "friend" that is making her have some empathy for her even if she doesnt agree with her behavior.She doesnt necessarily condone the behavior but may see it as a part of the persons "alcoholism"?I did a lot of stuipid things when I drank and have not repeated them sober,so I do not really believe they were part of my intrinsic "self".I dont mean it as an excuse for infadelity but it can be a viscious cycle of drinking loosening inhibitions and the guilt of what you do making you want another drink.It's not easy to love a friend unconditionally,but your wifes ability to do so may say something about her ability to "except" you when you make mistakes?


I do understand your perspective.We tend to be black and white thinkers when it comes to issues of "ethics"(IMO).I would never stay with someone who hit me or "cheated" on me.Dont care what other qualitites they had,I wouldnt be able to trust them again.I have also had an issue with losing some respect for my BF who have been friends with guys I thought were "dogs".It seems logical to assume that by excepting the friend they are condoning the behavior.I dont know how to get around this type of reasoning...it's just the way I am.