Why finding love is hard for Autistic people

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Mikurotoro92
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05 Dec 2023, 10:46 am

rse92 wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
My therapist told me today that if I want to be in a serious long-term relationship (co-habitation or marriage) with a man that he should just come live with me & my brother

That way my brother won't be lonely and he won't have to worry about me leaving him to fend for himself!

But the thing is, what if I want to be alone with my boyfriend or husband?

How could we successfully achieve sex and intimacy when my brother is in the same house?

Rent a room at a hotel overnight?

What do you guys think?


At some point you have to stop overthinking this. Parents have sex lives while they live with their children, adults have sex lives while they care for elderly parents living in, and people have sex lives while they care for handicapped siblings.


Sex isn't the only reason why I want to be in a romantic relationship but it is certainly part of it!

I haven't experienced it yet which I feel is not right

So if I have been holding off on losing my virginity because of waiting for marriage that would mean that getting married SHOULD be my number one priority!


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ProfessorJohn
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06 Dec 2023, 11:03 am

I think many Aspies might come off as odd or different, and in societies that value conformity that isn't always seen as a positive.

For all the talk of individualism in the US we sure value conformity.



rse92
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06 Dec 2023, 1:02 pm

Minervx_2 wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
Online dating is an option


Another factor is that many autistic men don't understand how to use dating apps effectively to get matches.

Dating apps can be challenging even for NT men, but it's harder when you're on the spectrum and may not know exactly how to showcase yourself to people who will judge you in 30 seconds.


Common mistakes men on the spectrum make on their profiles:

1) They don't put enough effort into taking pictures.

2) They don't really have a sense of what pictures are good/bad.

3) Some spend a lot of time indoors, so they don't have enough pics of themselves outdoors or doing things.

4) They may not be aware of how their facial expressions in pictures comes off to other people. They may think their photo is really nice because they like their haircut or clothes, but their facial expression looks uncomfortable or stiff to the observer.

5) They tend to send really stiff, formal and long messages to women, and they treat the interaction like it's a BAR Exam. Whereas light casual banter would be much better. 


The frank reality is that a man who cannot get dates in real life due to personal qualities (as opposed to living in a low populated or remote area) isn't going to get dates online.



nick007
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06 Dec 2023, 5:16 pm

rse92 wrote:
Minervx_2 wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
Online dating is an option


Another factor is that many autistic men don't understand how to use dating apps effectively to get matches.

Dating apps can be challenging even for NT men, but it's harder when you're on the spectrum and may not know exactly how to showcase yourself to people who will judge you in 30 seconds.


Common mistakes men on the spectrum make on their profiles:

1) They don't put enough effort into taking pictures.

2) They don't really have a sense of what pictures are good/bad.

3) Some spend a lot of time indoors, so they don't have enough pics of themselves outdoors or doing things.

4) They may not be aware of how their facial expressions in pictures comes off to other people. They may think their photo is really nice because they like their haircut or clothes, but their facial expression looks uncomfortable or stiff to the observer.

5) They tend to send really stiff, formal and long messages to women, and they treat the interaction like it's a BAR Exam. Whereas light casual banter would be much better. 


The frank reality is that a man who cannot get dates in real life due to personal qualities (as opposed to living in a low populated or remote area) isn't going to get dates online.
I think you have a good point. In my experience in that situation, it was better for me to seek out others who would not be as bothered by my so-called negative qualities. That could mean focusing more on nich dating sites or offline groups including support groups if you live in a more populated area. Or what eventually worked out for me was going to non dating sites that are more accepting of my personal qualities & being open to the idea of starting a long distance relationship & then relocating once things got more serious. I kinda hated my area & felt trapoed living with my parents so I was very willing to relocate for a relationship once I had the oppertunity to move in with her. I thought of things from a buisness persective. General Buisness was the only school subject I was best in class in & I was below average in most all other classes. I'm the product, my pototential partner is a potential customer, I needed to think about the type of customer who would be more interested & accepting of me, where my customers are, & how to market myself to them. It did not matter if the average person was majorly turned off by me because the average person was not going to be interested in me anyway.


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Minervx_2
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06 Dec 2023, 5:44 pm

rse92 wrote:
The frank reality is that a man who cannot get dates in real life due to personal qualities isn't going to get dates online.


True. Though there are other reasons why people are single aside from just having bad personal qualities. There are lots of good people out there who just have a hard time making friends.

Maybe they're new in town.
Maybe they work an odd schedule and can't go to social events.
Maybe the social events in their area don't really suit them.

And some people go on apps - not because they can't meet people in real life - but because they prefer using apps. For example, you get to see details about them and vet out dealbreakers before going on a date with them.



nick007
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06 Dec 2023, 10:39 pm

Mikurotoro92 wrote:
My therapist told me today that if I want to be in a serious long-term relationship (co-habitation or marriage) with a man that he should just come live with me & my brother

That way my brother won't be lonely and he won't have to worry about me leaving him to fend for himself!

But the thing is, what if I want to be alone with my boyfriend or husband?

How could we successfully achieve sex and intimacy when my brother is in the same house?

Rent a room at a hotel overnight?

What do you guys think?
I imagine that lots of guys would have an issue living with their brother in law. I would have a major problem with that but to be fair I'm def NOT the average guy. Just because your therapist recommends it does not automatically mean it's the right thing for you & your potential relationship partner. You majorly resented beimg forced to care for your mom. I think it's possible that you could start resenting your brother if you felt that you were being forced to live with him because of his issues, especially if you felt living with him was preventing you from getting married or living a boyfriend. Also us Aspies can be difficult to live with sometimes & if you were living with a guy & him & your brother got into a fight about something it would majorly s#ck to be stuck in the middle. IDK if this would be the case or not, it's just things to think about. I'm sure it'll be a very difficult decision either way but you don't need to make it right now since your not in a serious romantic relationship ATM.

Perhaps you could try gradually setting boundaries with your brother. I know you've been trying to work on yourself by going to day program & seeing a therapist. If your brother is not doing similar it would be good for him to develope a better support network & could help him be less clingy with you.


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Mikurotoro92
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07 Dec 2023, 10:45 am

nick007 wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
My therapist told me today that if I want to be in a serious long-term relationship (co-habitation or marriage) with a man that he should just come live with me & my brother

That way my brother won't be lonely and he won't have to worry about me leaving him to fend for himself!

But the thing is, what if I want to be alone with my boyfriend or husband?

How could we successfully achieve sex and intimacy when my brother is in the same house?

Rent a room at a hotel overnight?

What do you guys think?
I imagine that lots of guys would have an issue living with their brother in law. I would have a major problem with that but to be fair I'm def NOT the average guy. Just because your therapist recommends it does not automatically mean it's the right thing for you & your potential relationship partner. You majorly resented beimg forced to care for your mom. I think it's possible that you could start resenting your brother if you felt that you were being forced to live with him because of his issues, especially if you felt living with him was preventing you from getting married or living a boyfriend. Also us Aspies can be difficult to live with sometimes & if you were living with a guy & him & your brother got into a fight about something it would majorly s#ck to be stuck in the middle. IDK if this would be the case or not, it's just things to think about. I'm sure it'll be a very difficult decision either way but you don't need to make it right now since your not in a serious romantic relationship ATM.

Perhaps you could try gradually setting boundaries with your brother. I know you've been trying to work on yourself by going to day program & seeing a therapist. If your brother is not doing similar it would be good for him to develope a better support network & could help him be less clingy with you.


Then the only choice is to leave home if I want to get married or co-habitate!

How am I successfully going to break away from my brother?


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IsabellaLinton
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07 Dec 2023, 10:50 am

This sounds like a Victorian novel. :lol:


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rse92
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07 Dec 2023, 3:28 pm

Mikurotoro92 wrote:
rse92 wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
My therapist told me today that if I want to be in a serious long-term relationship (co-habitation or marriage) with a man that he should just come live with me & my brother

That way my brother won't be lonely and he won't have to worry about me leaving him to fend for himself!

But the thing is, what if I want to be alone with my boyfriend or husband?

How could we successfully achieve sex and intimacy when my brother is in the same house?

Rent a room at a hotel overnight?

What do you guys think?


At some point you have to stop overthinking this. Parents have sex lives while they live with their children, adults have sex lives while they care for elderly parents living in, and people have sex lives while they care for handicapped siblings.


Sex isn't the only reason why I want to be in a romantic relationship but it is certainly part of it!

I haven't experienced it yet which I feel is not right

So if I have been holding off on losing my virginity because of waiting for marriage that would mean that getting married SHOULD be my number one priority!


You asked how do you achieve sex with your autistic brother in the house. I said many many people who live with autistic or otherwise disabled relatives do. Which is true.



rse92
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07 Dec 2023, 3:30 pm

Mikurotoro92 wrote:
nick007 wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
My therapist told me today that if I want to be in a serious long-term relationship (co-habitation or marriage) with a man that he should just come live with me & my brother

That way my brother won't be lonely and he won't have to worry about me leaving him to fend for himself!

But the thing is, what if I want to be alone with my boyfriend or husband?

How could we successfully achieve sex and intimacy when my brother is in the same house?

Rent a room at a hotel overnight?

What do you guys think?
I imagine that lots of guys would have an issue living with their brother in law. I would have a major problem with that but to be fair I'm def NOT the average guy. Just because your therapist recommends it does not automatically mean it's the right thing for you & your potential relationship partner. You majorly resented beimg forced to care for your mom. I think it's possible that you could start resenting your brother if you felt that you were being forced to live with him because of his issues, especially if you felt living with him was preventing you from getting married or living a boyfriend. Also us Aspies can be difficult to live with sometimes & if you were living with a guy & him & your brother got into a fight about something it would majorly s#ck to be stuck in the middle. IDK if this would be the case or not, it's just things to think about. I'm sure it'll be a very difficult decision either way but you don't need to make it right now since your not in a serious romantic relationship ATM.

Perhaps you could try gradually setting boundaries with your brother. I know you've been trying to work on yourself by going to day program & seeing a therapist. If your brother is not doing similar it would be good for him to develope a better support network & could help him be less clingy with you.


Then the only choice is to leave home if I want to get married or co-habitate!

How am I successfully going to break away from my brother?


I think you have been given bad advice here and are being unduly caused fright. You could make it work living with your brother with the right man.

I will note elsewhere on these forums another poster who lives with his sister and her husband is nervous about his future because she is selling the only house he has ever lived in and moving. We have sympathy for him and wish him well. Yet your brother would be in his shoes.



WantToHaveALife
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07 Dec 2023, 5:34 pm

becoming 30+ and never having dated, always been single, is either quite common or just the norm among male aspies.



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07 Dec 2023, 6:20 pm

there is an unavoidable amount of telepathy/intuition required for successful social relations.



JimStriderz
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08 Dec 2023, 1:49 am

Don’t give up hope. My wife has Asperger’s. In our case, we met at an activity that we both enjoyed doing. Neither of us was looking for a relationship. We became friends through our shared interest.



nick007
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08 Dec 2023, 1:11 pm

rse92 wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
nick007 wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
My therapist told me today that if I want to be in a serious long-term relationship (co-habitation or marriage) with a man that he should just come live with me & my brother

That way my brother won't be lonely and he won't have to worry about me leaving him to fend for himself!

But the thing is, what if I want to be alone with my boyfriend or husband?

How could we successfully achieve sex and intimacy when my brother is in the same house?

Rent a room at a hotel overnight?

What do you guys think?
I imagine that lots of guys would have an issue living with their brother in law. I would have a major problem with that but to be fair I'm def NOT the average guy. Just because your therapist recommends it does not automatically mean it's the right thing for you & your potential relationship partner. You majorly resented beimg forced to care for your mom. I think it's possible that you could start resenting your brother if you felt that you were being forced to live with him because of his issues, especially if you felt living with him was preventing you from getting married or living a boyfriend. Also us Aspies can be difficult to live with sometimes & if you were living with a guy & him & your brother got into a fight about something it would majorly s#ck to be stuck in the middle. IDK if this would be the case or not, it's just things to think about. I'm sure it'll be a very difficult decision either way but you don't need to make it right now since your not in a serious romantic relationship ATM.

Perhaps you could try gradually setting boundaries with your brother. I know you've been trying to work on yourself by going to day program & seeing a therapist. If your brother is not doing similar it would be good for him to develope a better support network & could help him be less clingy with you.


Then the only choice is to leave home if I want to get married or co-habitate!

How am I successfully going to break away from my brother?


I think you have been given bad advice here and are being unduly caused fright. You could make it work living with your brother with the right man.

I will note elsewhere on these forums another poster who lives with his sister and her husband is nervous about his future because she is selling the only house he has ever lived in and moving. We have sympathy for him and wish him well. Yet your brother would be in his shoes.
I read some of those posts & I feel bad for the guy. However I do not think that his sister should be required nor expected to live in that house & support him for the rest of their lives due to him being disabled or any other reason. There really needs to be more programs to help disabled people so families are not forced into these types of dilemmas.

Umm... I was suggesting that Mikurotoro might could move in with a guy. I said nothing about her selling their mom's house nor kicking her brother out of their mom's house. I'm sorry if I somehow confused anyone with that. If he really can not handle living alone there might be some various programs & services that could help him out, thou navigating the system might be challenging. Also if the house is all paid for, he might could find a caretaker/live-in-aid or friend to move in with him & help him out in exchange for free housing. I'm classified as my girlfriend's caretaker because she cant handle living alone & my income & resources do not affect any of her benefits.


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rse92
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08 Dec 2023, 2:13 pm

For what ever reason OP, after reading your post, concluded that to have an intimate relationship she would have to move out. I don't think that's what you intended to say but that is the conclusion she drew. I just suggested she not jump to conclusions.



nick007
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08 Dec 2023, 6:59 pm

rse92 wrote:
For what ever reason OP, after reading your post, concluded that to have an intimate relationship she would have to move out. I don't think that's what you intended to say but that is the conclusion she drew. I just suggested she not jump to conclusions.
Oh OK. I think I understand now. There's lots of potential variables with this type of situation which could include the personality of the guy she's involved with or considering being with, & the personality her brother has. Us Aspies can vary a lot in some ways.


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