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thymme
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01 Feb 2024, 2:44 pm

Hi everyone!

So I'm 31, undiagnosed but I've suspected HF autism for years because I click on all those ''boxes''. Anyway..I spent many years of my early life 'masking' and trying to cover myself even from my own family. I think I had a turn in my perspective about masking myself around my college years. At some point I was so tired of pretending that I just stopped caring about making friends anymore. If making friends required me to mask again and exhaust myself trying to 'fit in', I would simply not bother.

However due to adulthood and several different obligations with my work and social interactions around it, I still had to keep masking to a certain point. I never liked the job which I studied for a degree and I understood it especially when I started working on it/ I stopped working in that field, job hopped in several jobs, one more exhausting and stressful than the other because where I live, most jobs are centered around customer service and tourism..and so I kept trying to take seminars or training programs so I could be certified in another field, maybe something I'd like a bit more and could actually do comfortably..now I'm 31 years old, I work as a security guard in an airport, trying to get my driving license which further emphasized my focus, motor and coordination issues (another stomach hurting stress source in my life currently) and complete a training program for which I've paid but did not contain all the information about the home projects and expectations so right now I'm on the very verge of dumping it and just quitting it alltogether because I just can't anymore.

I'm sick and tired of this. I'm no longer at a point where I can work (which takes 95% of my energy daily) and at the same time have bloody ''projects''. If I even knew that I would never even enroll in it. The projects have a deadline, I'm in the process of having driving lessons (huge stressor for me) with a teacher who gets on my bloody nerves because he's THAT type of neurotypical who expects people to just ''get'' whatever he says from the 1st-2nd time and I'm literally in my limits for a breakdown. Every little thing will annoy me or stress me or enrage me or it will give me stomach pains and sickness. I can't anymore.

I feel like I'm already on a freaking life burnout. I don't know if I can handle anymore stress, I have no one to freely talk about for any of this, no one I feel comfortable discussing such things with and no one around me who would actually understand. I'm the type who people go to for a listener but never have time enough to listen to. I can't afford a therapist and if and when I will afford one I'd rather use the money to get a freaking proper brainscan for my diagnosis because I want an answer! Not that it will change anything in my daily life but I want to know if my suspicions are correct. But regardless of that I feel completely done with everything. At this point all I can do is finish the driving lessons (I wouldn't even touch a car if I could help it) and mindlessly continue going to work every day, hoping for the best because I honestly have no more energy for anything anymore. This isn't an autism burnout, this is a life burnout for me.



bee33
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11 Feb 2024, 4:06 pm

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice. You're describing a life circumstance that other people with ASD also experience, but I don't know what the solution is, since you have to work to make money, as most people do.

Best wishes.



IsabellaLinton
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11 Feb 2024, 6:32 pm

thymme wrote:
I'm sick and tired of this ... Every little thing will annoy me or stress me or enrage me or it will give me stomach pains and sickness. I can't anymore.

I feel like I'm already on a freaking life burnout. I don't know if I can handle anymore stress, I have no one to freely talk about for any of this, no one I feel comfortable discussing such things with and no one around me who would actually understand. I'm the type who people go to for a listener but never have time enough to listen to. I can't afford a therapist and if and when I will afford one I'd rather use the money to get a freaking proper brainscan for my diagnosis because I want an answer! Not that it will change anything in my daily life but I want to know if my suspicions are correct. But regardless of that I feel completely done with everything. At this point all I can do is .... continue going to work every day, hoping for the best because I honestly have no more energy for anything anymore. This isn't an autism burnout, this is a life burnout for me.



Welcome to WP.
I can relate to this very much. ^
I'm in life burnout too.

Would you be able to find time to be on WP more often?
Maybe it would help you feel less alone.


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Iris.Ell
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13 Feb 2024, 4:53 am

Hello dearest friend

I had to reply to this message since I have been there and I am 43 years old and a bit wiser...

I read you work as an airport security. My first thing that popped in my mind is , how can you manage that? I find airports, living nightmares..so unbearable due to the noise, the crowds and the lights. I get my vertigos back each time I am there ..Do you wear earplugs?

So, first, eliminate all the stressors.
I think you need to control the factor employment, as it may probably is a huge stress factor for you. Has taken ages to realise that I am not just peculiar when I am inside airports and airplanes. I wasn't peculiar when I said I can not work in an office environment. You might indeed need to find a more environmentally friendly job (you know what I mean), closer to your unique projects and interests. I am not trying to play it clever here...but ... A safe job for your sensitivities goes a long way in your emotional wellbeing. Remote jobs , are the best in that case, maybe it can work for now, if you can get one. If working in airport cannot change, try to wear some earplugs and you could explain to your colleagues why you are so sensitive.

Second, relationships. Abandon every relationship for a while that does not contribute anything in your emotional safety and wellbeing. Facebook, social media, are huge stressors, try to distance yourself. Keep only those little friends that even by distance, will still care for you. Men, and sexual relationships can either make you or break you, but since they got no knowledge of how to deal with you and since they also carry their own typical burnouts, especially when they are younger, can vastly contribute to burnouts, in my opinion.

Third, prioritize your self-love and safety. Do things you love and make you feel at ease, calm and safe. If possible, try to find a place on your own, away from family. Family, if not very supportive can contribute immensely to your burnouts and meltdowns. I love bicycles and they both help me stim and get my physical training. Healthy body self image counts. Work on your projects.

Fourth, forget about building a family, if you have been stressed about it. You have a lot of hormones and that does not help. I realised that I was very sensitive to estrogens and had endometriosis, everything was worse around my period. I was another person.
Try to check your health and hormones and talk to a gynecologist.

Fourth, being a member of this group. I am trying it out myself. We can support each other. We need friends. Friends that are non judgemental and can understand. Nobody supported me, apart from a very good friend I had. I tried to figure it out my myself.

Conclusion, you need time off. Take that time off, alone, in a safe environment if you can.
Trust your strengths, you are much more resilient than you think. Take it from me.. :heart: :heart:


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magz
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13 Feb 2024, 9:27 am

In my early thirties, I had a career and two small kids and when the burnout came, it was spectacular. I stopped recognizing myself in a mirror. Then, I got misdiagnosed for schizophrenia, mismedicated for it and if it wasn't for several lucky factors, I would have been still a heavily drugged suffering vegetable.

Can you ask for a different driving teacher? Or move some of the courses to later time? Take a break from the job? In some countries, the state of health you describe would be enough to take a medical leave.


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Iris.Ell
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13 Feb 2024, 10:06 am

It can really look on the outside as if it is schizophrenia (I can relate)..

And again, agree with Masz, change instructor if you can. They can make you or break you. Bad instructors are nothing short of a nightmare and a forthcoming meltdown, along with all the other sensitivities that we have. Most of them, love to shout when you do mistakes.

I never learnt driving when I had a specific instructor and never touched a car for 10 something years edspite that I got the driving license but I had no idea what driving really was and the whole experience scared me..

Someone very patient must show you in a safe and quiet environment. Also, remember that noises and road lights can really distract us in the beginning. What helped me was a lot of tuning into the car, your own car, so you can get used to it, and visualising how it works.


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"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone"
Blaise Pascal, Pensées (Thoughts)