Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?

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The_Face_of_Boo
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08 Feb 2024, 3:25 am

WantToHaveALife wrote:
rse92 wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
I wanted to ask, is it not unusual or not unheard of for a portion of people on the autism spectrum to be asexual?

Because I got out of a failed relationship a few months ago, the relationship was not entirely negative, here were the pros and cons of the relationship.

Positive part: when it came to the companionship and the mental and emotional support part or just being there for each other, hanging out and doing activities together, that was the good part of the relationship.

Negative part: my ex-girlfriend, she was not really comfortable with sex, or just doing anything further beyond kissing and making out.

Because of that, I feel that it wasn't a true relationship.

I also feel like I stayed with her longer than I should have but I was reluctant to break up with her for a while because I didn't want to become alone and Single Again, bigger reason and that is I didn't want or don't want to have to go through the drama or burden of having to put myself out there all over again.

Specifically, not wanting to go through the drama and hassle, burden, of having to do the pursuing and deal with courtship all over again, due to my lifelong resentment of men always being expected to make the first move and ask the woman out, etc.

She was also on the autism spectrum just like I am.

I wanted sex but she didn't.

Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?


Maybe she just wasn't into you. Occam's Razor would lead you to that conclusion.

I got news for you. If you do not want to court a woman, you deserve be single for the rest of your life.


Then i wonder why she bothered to go on dates with me or have some type of relationship with me, which i described.



What exactly is « court a woman »?



cyberdad
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08 Feb 2024, 4:42 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Fair enough. I get the frustrated thing, or maybe being disappointed / hurt, but I don't understand anger.
Maybe the OP didn't mean to use such a strong word.


Yeah the anger bit seems like unresolved frustration.



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08 Feb 2024, 4:50 am

cyberdad wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
Fair enough. I get the frustrated thing, or maybe being disappointed / hurt, but I don't understand anger.
Maybe the OP didn't mean to use such a strong word.


Yeah the anger bit seems like unresolved frustration.


I agree.

The OP did mention they seem to feel they are behind other peers when it comes to dating and such. Maybe a setback at the age they are is too much for them to handle, as is the lack of progress with regards to their sexual motivations.



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08 Feb 2024, 10:13 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I don't really understand the OP.
If this woman wasn't interested in sex it doesn't mean she was asexual.
She might have been, but did she say that?
If she did say that, it's not necessarily because she was autistic.
It's possible her autism had nothing to do with it.
Maybe she just wasn't ready.
Maybe she wasn't feeling the chemistry.
Maybe she had trauma.
Maybe she had gynaecological / medical concerns.
Maybe she wanted to wait to know you more.
Maybe it was against her religion or cultural practice.
Maybe she wasn't getting aroused.

The list is endless.

Unless she told you she was asexual, how do you know she was?
And, if she was, why would you be angry?


"Against her religion or cultural practice" is almost always the reason for lack of interest down here.


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nick007
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08 Feb 2024, 3:31 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
rse92 wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
I wanted to ask, is it not unusual or not unheard of for a portion of people on the autism spectrum to be asexual?

Because I got out of a failed relationship a few months ago, the relationship was not entirely negative, here were the pros and cons of the relationship.

Positive part: when it came to the companionship and the mental and emotional support part or just being there for each other, hanging out and doing activities together, that was the good part of the relationship.

Negative part: my ex-girlfriend, she was not really comfortable with sex, or just doing anything further beyond kissing and making out.

Because of that, I feel that it wasn't a true relationship.

I also feel like I stayed with her longer than I should have but I was reluctant to break up with her for a while because I didn't want to become alone and Single Again, bigger reason and that is I didn't want or don't want to have to go through the drama or burden of having to put myself out there all over again.

Specifically, not wanting to go through the drama and hassle, burden, of having to do the pursuing and deal with courtship all over again, due to my lifelong resentment of men always being expected to make the first move and ask the woman out, etc.

She was also on the autism spectrum just like I am.

I wanted sex but she didn't.

Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?


Maybe she just wasn't into you. Occam's Razor would lead you to that conclusion.

I got news for you. If you do not want to court a woman, you deserve be single for the rest of your life.


Then i wonder why she bothered to go on dates with me or have some type of relationship with me, which i described.



What exactly is « court a woman »?
About the only time I ever heard the term Courting was in an old children's song, Froggy Went A Courtin so I'd guess courting a woman would be something like this :arrow:


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WantToHaveALife
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08 Feb 2024, 5:04 pm

rse92 wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
I wanted to ask, is it not unusual or not unheard of for a portion of people on the autism spectrum to be asexual?

Because I got out of a failed relationship a few months ago, the relationship was not entirely negative, here were the pros and cons of the relationship.

Positive part: when it came to the companionship and the mental and emotional support part or just being there for each other, hanging out and doing activities together, that was the good part of the relationship.

Negative part: my ex-girlfriend, she was not really comfortable with sex, or just doing anything further beyond kissing and making out.

Because of that, I feel that it wasn't a true relationship.

I also feel like I stayed with her longer than I should have but I was reluctant to break up with her for a while because I didn't want to become alone and Single Again, bigger reason and that is I didn't want or don't want to have to go through the drama or burden of having to put myself out there all over again.

Specifically, not wanting to go through the drama and hassle, burden, of having to do the pursuing and deal with courtship all over again, due to my lifelong resentment of men always being expected to make the first move and ask the woman out, etc.

She was also on the autism spectrum just like I am.

I wanted sex but she didn't.

Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?


Maybe she just wasn't into you. Occam's Razor would lead you to that conclusion.

I got news for you. If you do not want to court a woman, you deserve be single for the rest of your life.


and how come a guy, man, should not hate or resent having to court a woman? how come he should embrace that role?



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08 Feb 2024, 5:08 pm

Well, we are more likely than NTs to identify with LGBTQ identities, which asexuality is one.


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08 Feb 2024, 5:09 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
and how come a guy, man, should not hate or resent having to court a woman? how come he should embrace that role?


Do you resent that getting to work involves travelling, or that making breakfast might involving having to crack some eggs or open a box of cereal?


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08 Feb 2024, 9:22 pm

nick007 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
rse92 wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
I wanted to ask, is it not unusual or not unheard of for a portion of people on the autism spectrum to be asexual?

Because I got out of a failed relationship a few months ago, the relationship was not entirely negative, here were the pros and cons of the relationship.

Positive part: when it came to the companionship and the mental and emotional support part or just being there for each other, hanging out and doing activities together, that was the good part of the relationship.

Negative part: my ex-girlfriend, she was not really comfortable with sex, or just doing anything further beyond kissing and making out.

Because of that, I feel that it wasn't a true relationship.

I also feel like I stayed with her longer than I should have but I was reluctant to break up with her for a while because I didn't want to become alone and Single Again, bigger reason and that is I didn't want or don't want to have to go through the drama or burden of having to put myself out there all over again.

Specifically, not wanting to go through the drama and hassle, burden, of having to do the pursuing and deal with courtship all over again, due to my lifelong resentment of men always being expected to make the first move and ask the woman out, etc.

She was also on the autism spectrum just like I am.

I wanted sex but she didn't.

Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?


Maybe she just wasn't into you. Occam's Razor would lead you to that conclusion.

I got news for you. If you do not want to court a woman, you deserve be single for the rest of your life.


Then i wonder why she bothered to go on dates with me or have some type of relationship with me, which i described.



What exactly is « court a woman »?
About the only time I ever heard the term Courting was in an old children's song, Froggy Went A Courtin so I'd guess courting a woman would be something like this :arrow:





^This version's even better


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09 Feb 2024, 7:08 am

My general impression is that autistic people are more likely to be asexual, and those who are tend to believe that their asexuality is related to their autism. Just my impression, I have no studies to corroborate this.


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09 Feb 2024, 4:21 pm

MaxE wrote:
My general impression is that autistic people are more likely to be asexual, and those who are tend to believe that their asexuality is related to their autism. Just my impression, I have no studies to corroborate this.


The Love and Dating section of WP would say otherwise



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09 Feb 2024, 5:16 pm

cyberdad wrote:
MaxE wrote:
My general impression is that autistic people are more likely to be asexual, and those who are tend to believe that their asexuality is related to their autism. Just my impression, I have no studies to corroborate this.


The Love and Dating section of WP would say otherwise

Well those who participate in that section care about such things so probably very few are asexual or aromantic.


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09 Feb 2024, 5:22 pm

MaxE wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
MaxE wrote:
My general impression is that autistic people are more likely to be asexual, and those who are tend to believe that their asexuality is related to their autism. Just my impression, I have no studies to corroborate this.


The Love and Dating section of WP would say otherwise

Well those who participate in that section care about such things so probably very few are asexual or aromantic.


Sure, the evidence suggests autistic people are more likely, but here's the thing. The OP is anxious about this likelihood because he doesn't want to run into another female who doesn't want intimacy. Should he stick to NT women? that's probably the question he is posing and is seeking corroboration.



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09 Feb 2024, 5:33 pm

I wonder how long the OP dated this woman and if she gave a reason as to why she didn’t want to have sex. It can take a while for a person to feel ready, especially if it’s their first time or if they’ve had negative experiences in the past. It can also depend on the specific relationship. Maybe she didn’t feel safe for whatever reason. There are lots of possibilities. It seems to be jumping the gun a bit to assume she’s asexual.

If I felt like someone was pushing me before I was ready or if they were displaying any anger, frustration, or impatience, it’d make me even less eager to have sex with them.


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10 Feb 2024, 9:25 am

I have another take on this. So it seems these two were formally in a relationship i.e. she wasn't really in a relationship with somebody else she was unable to be with (I am saying this because I was once in a situation like that, but at age 19). That assumption being true, given that these two are both also autistic, the real problem might be that they never developed a degree of mutual trust in which they could really communicate about this issue.

In one's mid-30s, one should be able to discuss such things. If she was seriously interested in a permanent commitment (I don't think this was revealed here) then she should be able to communicate such things with her partner, in other words she should be able to give some reason why she seems attracted to him but can't or doesn't want to be physically intimate (even saying she doesn't understand this herself would be an explanation).

From some experience, I think it possible for people on the autism spectrum to think they're in a serious relationship, but lack the ability to communicate at the level usually expected for people in that situation.


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10 Feb 2024, 11:00 am

^^^I may be wrong about this but I think that this may of been her first relationship or first somewhat serious one. Thus she did not have the experience nor insight about herself to understand & explain what was going on. She was telling him that she needed more time to be ready for sex & she eventually would but but not giving an estimate about when that time would come. The OP did not want to risk continuing to date her for a long time only to realize years later possibly after getting married that she would never be ready for sex with him. BTW I think simply saying "I'm not ready" with no other real details when the couple has been dating a while is something I would expect from an inexperienced teenager. Us autistics are stereotyped to be immature & behind our NT peers with lots of things but judging from what I've seen on this forum, lots of autistic womem have a bit of sexual experience & would like or at least not mind having sex within a serious relationship assuming the guy tried to treat her with respect. My 2nd girlfriend was also on the spectrum & she was a virgin but was very willing to have sex once our relationship got a tad serious if her parents woulda been OK with us being alone together unmartied. Her parents were very traditional & wanted our relationship on their terms.


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