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JM379
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20 Mar 2024, 4:15 pm

I'm a 31 yo married autistic woman married to an autistic guy and our 3 kids are on the spectrum. So much of what you read online is about marriages between an autistic man and NT woman. There's little to none were both partners are autistic or the woman is the autistic one.

Curious to know if anyone else is in the same boat and what are some of the biggest challenges and some of the best pieces of advice you have?



ChicagoLiz
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21 Mar 2024, 2:02 pm

I wish I knew. I came to the realization many years ago that being an autistic woman made being in a relationship probably not feasible, and stopped looking. If there are successful ways to do it, I'd love to know too.


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nick007
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22 Mar 2024, 5:12 pm

Me & my girlfriend are both on the spectrum. Well there's a chance Cass isn't but she has lots of overlapping issues & one of her brothers has been diagnosed with Aspergers since he was very little. Me & Cass both have lots of various issues besides autism so it's kinda hard to tell what's autism & what's not. Our personalities within a relationship are kinda opposite of the stereotypical Aspie. We're both very affectionate & kinda clingy with each other & love spending lots of time together. Whereas typical Aspies want more space & independence. My previous girlfriend was also autistic but she was more like a typical Aspie & she broke up with me after about half a year. Whereas me & Cass have been living together for over 11 years now. I think one of they key reasons why our relationship is working is that we both realize that any relationship we'd be in would have lots of various problems & neither of us were expecting to have a perfect relationship. We've had lots of various arguments & fights but we always both feel like total cr@p afterwards for upsetting each other. We try to work on ourselves in various ways as well as trying to be supportive of each other. We fight a lot less than we used to. We both know lots of things are not worth arguing about & it's usually better for us to just give in after a bit because most things are not worth bickering about. We're both very difficult people to live with compared to NTs & we've had lots of adjusting to do but we both think the other is easier to live with than most anyone else would be. The NT rules & standards do not apply to our relationship. We like feeling accepted, understood, & like we fit in & belong. Whereas with NTs we feel like we can never measure up.


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autisticelders
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31 Mar 2024, 8:37 am

autistic married to autistic for over 40 years.
It works because we both need a lot of alone time and can respect that in each other. we both love to read,and read up to a book a day, but about profoundly different subjects.
we both had really "odd" hobbies when we met, he is into historical wargaming using a game table, I was remaking model horses, making their tack , and showing them (model horse hobby, look it up if you never heard of it). Both hobbies were similar uses of creativity and information, although over vastly different subjects.

we both love music and like the same sounds/ so our lives have been filled with music as well.

We have similar political viewpoints and beliefs.

I could never have designed a better partner and count myself very lucky to have found him.
Drawbacks have been his PDA and his rigidity and need for control. But I was raised to be compliant and his organization and control complimented and helped my scattered, random, disorganized, and impulsive behaviors.

He gives me boundaries and structure, I help him find random fun and laughter.

He has a kind heart and he has never abused me or tried to control me.

We raised 2 autistic kids (did not know it at the time) and I did not get my own diagnosis until I was 68.

I only came to understand his autism when I began to understand mine. He rigidly refuses to even consider he is autistic too, but ALL the signs are there. <3
<3 Its a wonderful world. <3


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ToughDiamond
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28 Apr 2024, 11:05 pm

I've got ASD and I've been living with a woman who is almost certainly autistic, part-time, since 2013, for 7.4 months per year on average, including one stretch of 28 months during Covid when we were walled up alive together not long after we got married. These days we've been spending 8 months living together and 4 months apart. Currently we're cramped up together in a tiny apartment, though she's had a lot to do outside the home. All in all, if we were going to get on each other's nerves seriously I would think it'd have happened by now. But no, on and on we go. We'd be living together permanently if it weren't for circumstances outside our control. We've certainly had our share of external problems to give us a lot of challenges. Patience and determination to keep the relationship working has probably been very important.

Overall our shared disability has probably done more good than harm. No ASD-NT frictions to worry about. We're neither of us so impaired that we're incapable of living independently in our native countries, though as a foreign national here in the USA I need her help with wacky tax returns and transport (I'm not licenced to drive here). I guess we get a certain amount of ASD-related communication problems and executive function slows us down sometimes, but we get on well. My special interest - performing music - has opened a few social doors for us. Neither of us is very extravert or social beyond that. We don't see ASD as a particularly noticeable problem between us.



Minuteman
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29 Apr 2024, 3:12 pm

If you haven't already, watch "Love on the Spectrum" on Netflix. It's a little sappy and simplistic but it gives you some insight into the good and bad of autistic relationships.



tlcoopi7
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29 Apr 2024, 10:19 pm

My husband and I just recently celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. My husband is also neurodivergent (ADHD-inattentive type) with a very hyper focused special interest in Star Wars, which also got me kind of hooked on Star Wars. In fact, he is the ONLY person that I do not mind spending the entire day with, even while we do different things in the same room. We spend so much time together that we even work different shifts at the same place. Both of us are very introverted and actually like going to the library.