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bee33
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21 Mar 2024, 7:04 pm

Is loving with a pure heart, meaning completely and without reservation, like dogs seem to love, an autistic thing? My therapist seems to think so. I have never stopped loving anyone, even though I have had two long term relationships, both of which are over. I still love them exactly as I did when we were together, and it's unimaginable to me to feel otherwise.

Having a series of relationships in which you no longer love your previous partners is unimaginable to me, though that seems to be the norm. Do most people have hearts of stone? (Not an insult, just a question.)



Juliette
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23 Mar 2024, 3:16 pm

You sound lovely, bee. I’ve found that being this way causes quite a bit of heartache. Pretty sure, that, on the whole, this depends on the individual … some of us may have no issue letting go.

I have tended to love unconditionally, and have had to learn the hard way …

Am currently grieving, having had to put my rescue dog from Crete down. Many of us definitely “feel more” & yes, with pure heart.



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23 Mar 2024, 4:02 pm

That's interesting bee. I love differently I think. I don't know about having a pure heart but I'm kind of rational about love. I think I'd do well in an arranged marriage situation where you slowly learn to love someone over time and it becomes solid. I'm like that with my bf whereas I think he's the opposite and so I feel like I have to protect his heart from getting broken. I think my bf is on the spectrum BTW but it's not anything we've ever discussed because he doesn't have a problem with the way he is and neither do I.

I think my bf does have a more purer heart than me


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bee33
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23 Mar 2024, 5:47 pm

Thanks for your responses.

I was wondering if it was an autistic thing, because there seems to be, for me, a kind of a lack of a self-protective filter that sorts my interactions and relationships and places them in their appropriate boxes.

I have a platonic male friend I have known for 25 years and we email frequently and he has been very supportive when I was going through a tough time. I sent him an email with the subject line I love you, and often sign off with Sending love, and he has asked me not to do that anymore because we are not romantic partners. But I still love him!

Am I just naive, or is this part of ASD?



Juliette
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23 Mar 2024, 7:07 pm

My thoughts are that some on the spectrum will be as you describe, but many won’t. Some won’t even like words like “love” as they prefer emotions to be kept out of things. Others are more emotive and are able to express their feelings more freely, like yourself.

I have a very dear friend in the US who is expressive in telling me he loves me, and I can say “You are Loved” or “Love ya” back to him but we both know that this is a friendship kind of love. It’s nice to be able to express that, especially if you’ve been through alot together, and have supported each other for many years.

For those on the spectrum or not, anyone who has very clear boundaries, may never sign off with “Love You” or “Lots of Love” and it may feel very wrong for them to even mention “feelings of affection” in writing.

Those who’ve been burned or hurt badly in the past, may be especially cautious. People with PTSD for example, tend to keep people at a distance & can even find it hard to “expose themselves to relationships of any kind, remaining cautious throughout. There’ll be a tendency to self isolate, in spite of having “friends” in their lives.

What’s important if you do share a warm, close friendship with others, is clear communication … letting them know that in saying that you love them, that it’s purely said through friendship(if this is the case). If other feelings do develop, then that’s going to mean a whole other discussion that may or may not have a positive outcome for the friendship.



CockneyRebel
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23 Mar 2024, 7:14 pm

I also love with a pure heart. Maybe it's because I'm a Sweet Pea.


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Juliette
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23 Mar 2024, 7:18 pm

^ :heart: :)



ToughDiamond
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24 Mar 2024, 10:27 am

I guess it depends on the individual Aspie. I tend to love conditionally, though my conditions aren't very harsh. I still care to some extent about the partners I've lost, but I avoid meeting or talking with them, and I try not to think about them.



Edna3362
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24 Mar 2024, 3:24 pm

Hmm...
I can love in many ways. Platonic and familial usually so.

I know how to love conditionally and 'why'.
I know what unconditional love means and how it actually feels.

And in varying depths.


The exception, it seems, is romantic love. I'm highly likely aromantic.
Also, possibly, couldn't do so are 'religious/tribal/patriotic'. I cannot love an 'icon', a 'symbol' or a 'belief'.

Though I can comprehend and feel wordless, symboless indiscriminate, all encompassing spiritual love...


I myself have a lot of reservations on who, what and how to love.
I'd rather not feel love than love wrongly (trusting the wrong people), or love something wrong or harmful. Or worse, love itself a word and feeling misleading, misinterpreted, misappropriated (emotions being incompetent, or itself a dysregulation induced stupidity)...


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