33 year old never been in a relationship- need help.

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funeralxempire
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05 Jun 2024, 2:18 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
The problem seems to be that we aren't good at relationshipping.


This seems to be applicable to both sexual relationships and ones where sex isn't a consideration.


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IsabellaLinton
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05 Jun 2024, 2:19 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
The problem seems to be that we aren't good at relationshipping.


This seems to be applicable to both sexual relationships and ones where sex isn't a consideration.


Yes - all relationships even business ones, or with our families.


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Nades
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05 Jun 2024, 2:21 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Nades wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
This thread is a reminder that being old enough to consent is not the same as being mature enough to be involved in a sexual relationship.


Aimed at me?


Aimed at anyone who thinks "respecting one's right to consent" means having to provide opportunities for others to consent with them.


*Means allowing opportunities for others to consent with others if said person doesn't want to*

I fixed your strawman.



funeralxempire
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05 Jun 2024, 2:23 pm

Nades wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
Nades wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
This thread is a reminder that being old enough to consent is not the same as being mature enough to be involved in a sexual relationship.


Aimed at me?


Aimed at anyone who thinks "respecting one's right to consent" means having to provide opportunities for others to consent with them.


*Means allowing opportunities for others to consent with others if said person doesn't want to*

I fixed your strawman.


The irony of complaining about strawmen when your entire attack on OP's ex is based on strawmen. :lol: :clown: :clown:


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“Anyone who wants to thwart the establishment of a Palestinian state has to support bolstering Hamas and transferring money to Hamas, this is part of our strategy” —Netanyahu
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う
The core principle of conservatism is "Rules protect, but do not bind me. They bind, but do not protect you."


Nades
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05 Jun 2024, 2:26 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
In some cases yes, we're exploited for our naive and trusting nature.
There's proof of that right here in the history of WP.

imo it doesn't mean we're considered asexual.
Everyone knows autistic men want sex, just like any other man.

The problem seems to be that we aren't good at relationshipping.


We are easy to exploit and not very good at relationshipping though I have to disagree and think many people think we're asexual.

I think autistic vs nurotypical relations will be a field studied more in the future but so far from the lomited studies, there isn't anything to indicate people with autism are held to the same regard as NTs.



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05 Jun 2024, 2:29 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Nades wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
Nades wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
This thread is a reminder that being old enough to consent is not the same as being mature enough to be involved in a sexual relationship.


Aimed at me?


Aimed at anyone who thinks "respecting one's right to consent" means having to provide opportunities for others to consent with them.


*Means allowing opportunities for others to consent with others if said person doesn't want to*

I fixed your strawman.


The irony of complaining about strawmen when your entire attack on OP's ex is based on strawmen. :lol: :clown: :clown:


*Based on OP's comments* which is the best info we can get.



IsabellaLinton
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05 Jun 2024, 2:35 pm

Nades wrote:
I think autistic vs nurotypical relations will be a field studied more in the future but so far from the lomited studies, there isn't anything to indicate people with autism are held to the same regard as NTs.


We aren't held to the same regard, because we aren't good at relationshipping and we don't give NTs their social fix.

That's never been disputed.

We all suffer from that bias.

I don't think many people consider us innately asexual though, unless of course we state that we are publicly.


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blitzkrieg
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05 Jun 2024, 3:14 pm

^ I think that disabled people are often thought as of asexual or at the very least, 'less needy' in regards to sex. And autism is a disability so I think it is possible that at least some of society views autistic people this way.



IsabellaLinton
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05 Jun 2024, 3:28 pm

Maybe if the person is really obviously autistic, like the non-verbal ones who can't toilet.

I assume most of us come across as relatively normal, and therefore most people wouldn't stop to consider our sexuality one way or the other unless we advertised that we were autistic or we happened to look queer / SJW / potentially asexual as some sort of political statement.

They would however sense the uncanny valley that we're kinda different or off-putting as potential friends / romantic partners, even if they don't know why.

That's just my opinion, anyway.

My son is as Aspergers as they get, and he's had no shortage of girlfriends since he was about 12.
They're drawn to how smart he is, since he's drawn to extremely smart people himself.


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r00tb33r
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05 Jun 2024, 7:07 pm

This thread is 12 pages long but OP hasn't posted since page 2. Thread went off the rails like they always do on WP.

Mor33 wrote:
Hi all

I'm Sam and I'm 33 year old high functioning autistic man.

I have never dated or been in a relationship with someone as It appears that I'm a little clueless and couldn't tell if a girl/woman likes me in a romantic or sexual way.

Overtime I have fallen into the trap of isolating myself indirectly and avoiding dating as it has seemed impossible. I appreciate it is a subjective matter that's difficult to answer

I have attempted dating or asking people out multiple times and got met with the I'm with someone or my ex did this. It put me off for a long time and extremely worried that due to my inexperience. I will come across as not being worth a look at in dating and relationships.

It's been really hard to try and connect with someone as I think and feel so out of place.

Has anyone else had similar experiences and were able to address it please?

If so I would like to ask you for good advice please?

I was in that exact situation at 33, I will turn 37 next month. I remember it like yesterday. My own situation is more dire than before, but I have some wisdom to share from my experience.

There was a story here I typed but I'm not going to bore you with it. It all seemingly changed, before I turned 34, I was in a long distance relationship with a woman, with whom we've made plans to settle down where I live (I had just bought a house at the time, and had a steady engineering job). Some months later we vacationed together and got engaged. Talks about big decisions in life were difficult. But I had faith that it will all work out because of my loyalty and financial security. I guess under the pressure of the big changes her mental health deterriorated and she did ugly, despicable things. Then there was infidelity. Ultimately she flaked and disappeared.

I made many mistakes throughout that relationship, speciffically I willingly closed my eyes on the many warning signs. Ultimately the wisdom gained boils down to two things:

1. It's better to not be in a relationship than being in a relationship with a wrong person.
2. It's better to not live than not be in a relationship, or be in a relationship with a wrong person.

Ultimately you should ask yourself, at 33, what is it that you want from a relationship?

At least for myself during my limited experience I discovered the significance of the term "partnership", where the couple shares the burnens of everyday life, and the expectation that each will contribute toward the collective growth. It's important to see the other bring things to share with you, and see the other make future plans that include you in them. In my experience this is where the disappointment came.

I'll be 37 next month and I'm alone. I think I'm actually worse off than I was at 33, back then I was hopeful, now I'm traumatized and paranoid.

I think the most helpful advice anyone can give you is to point out the fact that whatever you seek isn't at WP. You are wasting your time here, and I think you realized that by page 2 of this thread (and left).



IsabellaLinton
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05 Jun 2024, 9:06 pm

Hi r00tbe33r and welcome back.


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Last edited by IsabellaLinton on 05 Jun 2024, 9:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

WantToHaveALife
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05 Jun 2024, 9:06 pm

r00tb33r wrote:
This thread is 12 pages long but OP hasn't posted since page 2. Thread went off the rails like they always do on WP.

Mor33 wrote:
Hi all

I'm Sam and I'm 33 year old high functioning autistic man.

I have never dated or been in a relationship with someone as It appears that I'm a little clueless and couldn't tell if a girl/woman likes me in a romantic or sexual way.

Overtime I have fallen into the trap of isolating myself indirectly and avoiding dating as it has seemed impossible. I appreciate it is a subjective matter that's difficult to answer

I have attempted dating or asking people out multiple times and got met with the I'm with someone or my ex did this. It put me off for a long time and extremely worried that due to my inexperience. I will come across as not being worth a look at in dating and relationships.

It's been really hard to try and connect with someone as I think and feel so out of place.

Has anyone else had similar experiences and were able to address it please?

If so I would like to ask you for good advice please?

I was in that exact situation at 33, I will turn 37 next month. I remember it like yesterday. My own situation is more dire than before, but I have some wisdom to share from my experience.

There was a story here I typed but I'm not going to bore you with it. It all seemingly changed, before I turned 34, I was in a long distance relationship with a woman, with whom we've made plans to settle down where I live (I had just bought a house at the time, and had a steady engineering job). Some months later we vacationed together and got engaged. Talks about big decisions in life were difficult. But I had faith that it will all work out because of my loyalty and financial security. I guess under the pressure of the big changes her mental health deterriorated and she did ugly, despicable things. Then there was infidelity. Ultimately she flaked and disappeared.

I made many mistakes throughout that relationship, speciffically I willingly closed my eyes on the many warning signs. Ultimately the wisdom gained boils down to two things:

1. It's better to not be in a relationship than being in a relationship with a wrong person.
2. It's better to not live than not be in a relationship, or be in a relationship with a wrong person.

Ultimately you should ask yourself, at 33, what is it that you want from a relationship?

At least for myself during my limited experience I discovered the significance of the term "partnership", where the couple shares the burnens of everyday life, and the expectation that each will contribute toward the collective growth. It's important to see the other bring things to share with you, and see the other make future plans that include you in them. In my experience this is where the disappointment came.

I'll be 37 next month and I'm alone. I think I'm actually worse off than I was at 33, back then I was hopeful, now I'm traumatized and paranoid.

I think the most helpful advice anyone can give you is to point out the fact that whatever you seek isn't at WP. You are wasting your time here, and I think you realized that by page 2 of this thread (and left).


are you saying your still a virgin and never dated?



r00tb33r
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05 Jun 2024, 10:11 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
r00tb33r wrote:
...


are you saying your still a virgin and never dated?

I am not. But from experience I'll say the whole concept is pointless, you the same person before and after and good sex is less likely the older you get.

In fact I posted in the adjacent thread on the subject:
https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=420969&p=9517971#p9517971

WantToHaveALife wrote:
and never dated?

Not in the conventional sense like walking up to random women on the street and asking them to go to the alley out back with me. Or posting pictures of myself online in hopes that some woman will swipe on them. No, never done anything like that. In fact, I kind of find that whole concept repulsive. My one and only real relationship was a chance encounter, here, actually, and all my interests in the past were all chance encounters in real life as well.

Not sure you understood my post so I suggest you re-read it.



r00tb33r
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05 Jun 2024, 10:33 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Hi r00tbe33r and welcome back.

I don't think people end up here because life is great. So from that perspective I have mixed feelings about being welcomed. :wink:

WP is sort of like the place from this film:
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0477139/
(happens to be one of my favorites)

It's not quite hell, but the kind of afterlife where everything is a little bit worse. The closest analogy would be indefinite Purgatory.



IsabellaLinton
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06 Jun 2024, 1:11 am

I'm here because life is pretty good.
I'm grateful to have leisure time, wifi, and a roof over my head.

It's certainly not Hell or purgatory.
Hell would be working or socializing 24/7 and having no time to post.
A broken laptop would be even worse than Hell.


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WantToHaveALife
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06 Jun 2024, 2:23 am

Nades wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:

are you saying that was the case for you and other men with autism that you know of? as in, the women they dated, had relationships with, the women were not into sex? they were sexless relationships or mostly sexless?


Yes. It seemed to be a common occurance. Extremely sexually inexperienced women seemed to pick autistic men more often, perhaps because they were perceived as being more similar to their own personality but it never ended in a positive outcome. Sadly, their sexual inexperience gave many a very one dimensional view on socially awkward men, assuming they lacked sexuality.

I and other autistic men I met found it extremely annoying. It's probably just as annoying as incel virgin men assuming all pretty extrovert women are constantly jumping into bed with every hunky man they see. It was irritating stereotyping that just resulted in animosity.

If they actually put the effort into respecting the sexuality of others and learning about, ideally sampling it physically themselves, they wouldn't have ended up in the mess they were in.

Just avoid women like that, they'll be too much hard work at your age now. Look for ones who are open and receptive and not closed off and give you the stink eye when you flirt.

I'm sorry for the dreadful experience you had in the past with your ex. It's not nice when someone thinks being innocent and celibate is a mandatory obligation because you have autism. Glad you got shot of childish people like that. They bring nothing to the table in your life.


yeah, besides a person just being an asexual person, the person can just be insecure/inexperienced in that, so that makes them uncomfortable with wanting to have sex or intimacy like that, or they have past trauma that they have not resolved.